Thursday, December 26, 2013

i regret nothing.


hello everyone just stopping by to let everyone know i'm still alive and well. haven't been writing here as the last two weeks have been busy with my moving out of the house and getting my life sorted. of course, apart from all that's been going on, there is always a life lesson that comes as a side dish.

i suppose the worst part of this disaster is dealing with the rude shock that your friends aren't necessarily going to be there for you when you need them. the ones who are, though, are few but infinitely more value-adding than all those who are not put together.

to my friends, eva, blairkins, stuart, stew, krys, han, mohawk, mitchers, and basically anyone who bothered to hang out, call or just ask if i was doing okayy, thank you. i needed the comfort of friendship just so i didn't feel alone, and you guys didn't disappoint.

SO MUCH LOVE FOR ALL OF YOU.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

tiny thoughts.


i wonder how many of us feel the same way.

Monday, December 2, 2013

when it's time to let you go.



today finds me feeling ill, dejected and discouraged. as always, the promise that the day can only get better is the only thing holding me together.

i've been working on my writing relentlessly, and i find that i don't feel the same magic reading the words that i felt writing them. i wonder if this is true for all writers, if they know the pain of finding something wrong or missing, but not knowing how to fix it.

i desperately need proof readers.

in other news, i've also been spending last week getting over the disappointments of the one before. not quite there yet, but i now know there's nothing for it but to keep pushing on. after all, everything's survivable (except that last thing) is it not? i keep telling myself that i will be better for this.

just hope i'm right i guess.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

rusty bolts.


was talking to scandal last night and we were discussing a variety of things, none too cheerful a topic. couldn't sleep after so i just lay awake thinking how difficult it is to be completely honest with yourself, let alone another person. i'm sick of being sad, there is just too much going on that i'm missing.

instead of offering meaningless apologies, why can't people just stop doing things that hurt the ones they claim they care about? been wondering for some time why i always fall for the same fucking trick, and i suppose that it's because i've always believed that i'd never know unless i suppressed my fear and went for it. i now understand that blind faith in people is just setting myself up for disappointment. after all these years, i realize i still don't know you. i thought you were my friend.

i thought i was done with this feeling after a never ending torrent of disappointment. then you come along and add one more notch to the scoreboard. i suppose in some way, the effect was amplified because i was never afraid of being scarred, not by you. i trusted you.

clearly, that was a mistake. as house would say, everybody lies.

Monday, November 18, 2013

lift off.



i think that after all this time, i'm finally capable of moving on. i don't like grudges, so believe me when i say that after the anger and weariness fades, there is no hatred, simply because i have neither the time nor energy for it.

friends of mine know only all to well what a hopeless romantic i am. though i try to deny myself the pleasure of being completely indulgent in a relationship (or the beginning of what could be), it never quite works out. i understand what you did, but it doesn't mean that it was right. i just hope for the sake of your conscience that the next girl's heart you break, you realize that the very least she deserves is the truth.

BR, i wish you nothing but happiness and joy. your letter was sad and touching, it made me cry and it made me miss you, but it doesn't change the fact that we've missed that window. you're with someone else now, and for what it's worth, i hope you find peace with someone you love as opposed to settle for; if not with her, than someone else out there who's just for you.

don't be sad anymore.. you deserve better.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

the wreck of 86'.



haven't been blogging of late (just a mild exaggeration!), but not sure if anyone's has missed me anyway. as usual, while a major emotional slump was the trigger for this sabbatical, the catalysts still have not been addressed, though identified. though i suppose in someways, that's half the battle already won.

thankfully, i have not been drowning in depression all this time. thanks to SCANDAL, my writing, music and a certain someone i've met and since (somewhat) let go of, the days have been getting a little better and i'm taking things one week at a time. while the agony that hits hardest in the morning slowly gets a little more bearable with each sunrise, i find now that what i've been though in the last 6 months of my life has not been in vain. i am stronger, better and less vulnerable, because i now choose to be.

in other news, another reason why i won't go into detail with regards to what i've been doing the past half year is because a lot of it is in the book i've been working on. this project that has been set in motion since may is well on it's way to completion, and i have to say that i am quite pleased with the product. however, i do need more feedback and am looking for a few readers to which i will release just the first mini chapter. if anyone i know out there is interested and is willing to spare a few minutes, please let me know!

p.s.: i went to youtube to get the embed for the video and realized glee did a cover of this song. it was bloody terrible. why are people still watching this crap?

Sunday, May 26, 2013

the weight of your words.

as a disclaimer, i have nothing against people who are on the heavier side. i am, however, sometimes peeved at how some people brush off the truth reflected in the mirror. so here it is, weight issues and what pisses me off.

fat people who do fuck all:
questions such as "do i look fat in this? I DO, DON'T I!!!", followed by incessant wailing, do not sit well with me. if you're that bothered, get off your fucking lazy ass and do something about it.

fat people who take dieting pills:
we all know you're cheating. nothing ever worth attaining comes easy and you bragging about how you got these amazing slimming pills (and at such a decent price!) does nothing to improve my perception of you. i'd honestly respect you more if you went through liposuction, because at least your figure came at the cost of money and pain. if all you're doing is going on the bloody pills, don't say you're on a fucking diet. stop lying to yourself and the people around you.

fat people who say they aren't fat:
the phrase "bones are for the dog, and meat for the man." only implies when you are curvy, it doesn't mean it's okayy to be fucking obese. if you want to die of coronary disease, go the fuck ahead, but don't use a perfectly good phrase as an excuse to continue horking down the pork pies.

fat people who say repeatedly that they're cool with their weight:
we all know you aren't. when a person is truly comfortable with where they are in their life, there is no need to publicize. i have NEVER met a person, truly confident, that feels the need to bring their weight up in every other sentence, just to demonstrate how they are not that insecure. if you say you being a size 10 is awesome, stop insinuating that you'd rather be a size 6.

that is all.

Monday, May 20, 2013

no more.

there isn't much to differentiate between us and animals nowadays, and it sickens me. all of you assholes, fucking preening, on a cock contest, a bid for popularity, is there any more meaning to this existance?

i am sick of this.

i have sat here idle, and i now realize my words are my best tools. it pains me that i also know now that there are some thoughts that are never meant to see the light of day. i.. i get angry. exhausted.

i've thought myself above reproach when it comes to matters of the heart.

today i find myself wrong.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

too much, of too many things.


i have only just come to the realization that i have too many things i want to do. the only reason i am sharing this is because i think many people feel the way i do; lost, hopeless, drained and insecure.

i spent today being intimate with myself. don't let your dirty minds wander.. i mean that i had the afternoon to myself to reflect and meditate on what i have accomplished. frankly i am a 23 year old, starting her own business not knowing what to expect. while i feel inferior to many people, i don't want to forget what i have accomplished so far.

maybe i just need to calm the fuck down. i've been too hard on myself lately, or so i've been told. i have written here that being lost in life every once in while is a good thing, but what do you do when you can't find your way home?

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

for to be wise, and love, exceeds a man's might.


last night, i couldn't sleep. thoughts filled my mind and it was just too overwhelming. i watched the sun come up as i had a puffed my way through the pack of cigarettes i just bought, pondering the great mysteries of life.

i say the words "great mysteries of life" out loud to no one, and then wonder if they are just great mysteries to me. i think about other people in the world who wonder about the same things i do and think about what could have happened in their lives to make them think the way they do. i wonder if they are as tired as i am, and if they have as many sleepless nights.

i wonder what they are doing with their lives.. if they have partners, and if they do, do they feel complete? i think of my existence and i think about how i have affected those around me. i imagine how i could have impacted their lives on varying levels, good and bad, and how many of them will still remember me in 20 years.

as i listen to the sounds of moog and erin renee, i wonder what went through their minds as they wrote their songs. i decide to google their lives when i have the time. i tell myself to think about things that make me happy. my mind goes blank for awhile, then i think of crayons and color pencils, silly putty, bacon, tree houses (always wanted one of those), a baby grand piano, a beach that goes on forever, and love. i stop. i decided i've done enough smoking for one night and head for bed. only i can't, so i decide to meditate, and let my soul have some rest.

today has me wondering if my heart is just not ready. it also has me fearing the possibility that it may never be. what i need is to find assurance that inner strength is more than what i have to offer people, and that i am already whole.

i suppose, for too long, i've let the world define me and my place in it. getting lost once in awhile is all very fine and well, but i'm tired of being a wanderer. this exhaustion is all consuming, and while satisfying at times, i can go no further. now, if only i had the discipline to live the way i want, and let the lure of unattainable destinations tempt me no more.

maybe, then, i could sleep.

Friday, April 26, 2013

for laughs.


okayy, so you know how every time i find a new obsession i go on and on about how i adore so and so but maintain that i am not abandoning so and so?

quick update: i am currently in love with g dragon, top, taeyang, park jung min and of course, kim hyun joong. i don't need to decide because let's face it, it's never going to happen anyway, also, i need to compensate for the lack of a real, existing man in my life. what better cure than 5 imaginary boyfriends?

for clarification's sake, the imaginary boyfriends are also known as "ze fantasies", so rest assured i'm not doing any imaginary cheating when i use either term.

ohh god, if it actually happens with any one of them (fat chance i know, but a girl can dream.) this blog post would be so, so embarrassing. whatevs though. it's obvious that i'm in good spirits today, (mostly because i had incredible imaginary sex last night) and i will not apologize.

thanks boys, wherever your real selves are. you put an average jane in a really.. really good mood.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

goodbyes this way.


trust.. faith? i know not what would be appropriate to say to myself tonight. i am blessed to have friends like pat around me, for the warmth only good company can offer. at the same time, i suppose i'm looking for something more.. maybe just more. realistic or no?

and suddenly there's nothing left to say, but that i cared too much too long. i am 23 years of age now, but i feel a lot, a lot older.

it's been a so-so birthday, but thank you to all for the love. xxx

Monday, April 22, 2013

fine on my own.



i had a really good day yesterday, and was in good spirits when i got up this morning. however as every cynic (or realist) will tell you, good things don't last, and i have found myself once again doubting the integrity of the average person.

getting emotionally invested is something that some of my friends know i have a habit of not doing, especially when a person and i are still in the dating phase. i have always thought that this was in the interest of self preservation, but men have told me that i should let my guard down more, as the ability to trust in another human being is an attractive thing.

so either i have horrible timing, or i've been doing the right thing all along. i do not understand why people choose to wait till i am vulnerable enough to hurt when they decide to leave. just for clarification, this is not bitterness, but anger at being lied to, which i think is perfectly justified. though, in some small way, i am only consoled by the fact that the person you just settled for isn't me.

regardless, nothing gives you the right to go around telling people how much they mean to you when your words obviously mean fuck all. and because you deserve nothing less (you know who you are), here's the finger for treating my heart like a plaything. have a nice life, asshole.

Monday, April 15, 2013

following your joy.


so a few days ago i gave a random stranger in a cafe a note that said hakuna matata (well, put it on his table as i was walking out) because he looked sad, and today, the story has already come full circle. if you ask me now why i did what i did, it really was because this song was playing and it made me happy. i suppose i wanted to try and get someone else happy too.

while it's good to hear that something so simple could have made someone's day better, it just makes me wonder how scarce acts of kindness have to be for it to spread as quickly as this. it's not that people don't have it in them, surely. it really doesn't take much effort or time.. and even if it did, it really is worth it you know.

people really should be nicer to one another, methinks.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

happy, together.

just being friends and hanging out.

today was one of the better ones this week. spent the first half of the day working and being nine kinds of productive then went to watch the croods with K. i had a nice time.

K, in case any of you are wondering, is someone i've known pretty much since birth, our families being long time friends. we used to go to church together and we never got along. his sister happened to spot me at a club last year and K was with her. just like that, we reconnected through a chance encounter. now a year later, we're getting progressively closer and it's really incredible when you realize how so much can change and how so much stays the same.

it's times like these that i can't help but be amazed at how people can stay with you even when they leave. it's just makes their reappearance in your life all the more impactful. so to friends like K and Su (whose prettiness prefaced this post.), who were pretty much MIA for awhile (okay, a long while.), i'm glad you're back and i'm thankful to have you in my world. you guys know who you are.

also, croods was pretty fucking awesome.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

chin up.


if you need a helping of hope, here is a short film to perk your spirits by disney, in the way only disney can.

things are tough because living was never meant to be easy. don't give up because life never throws you more than you can handle. the solutions to your various issues, of course, is something you'll figure out with time.

happy mid week everyone!

Monday, April 8, 2013

time.



face it. there's nothing worse than regret.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

somewhere to begin.


for too long, it seems that i've had front row seats to my own life. always close enough to smell the sweat, but still merely a spectator to the things that are happening.

sure, i get sad, but nearly everything gets me down these days. emotional, yes. it's a wonder how i still feel so utterly detached from the reality of everything. as i'm typing this, i wonder is any one has ever felt the same way i do. probably.

someone said that one of my previous posts seemed pretentious. i don't think i was really offended. i don't think i knew how to react.  i can't even remember what i said. i wonder what that person really thinks of me. does he see vulnerability, hypocrisy, anger, bitterness, loneliness or fear.. what? i don't know if i care.

after days of mulling it over, i still don't know what i was thinking what i wrote what i did down in that particular post. i don't know why i have this sick compulsion to care what people think, and try to change their perception of me for the better. i don't know what it really means when i say that because i can't be sure that i give a rat's ass in the first place.

i know i'm confused. i'm probably not as messed up as i think i am. but who'd know, seriously.

Friday, March 29, 2013

stone cold sober.


today, i feel everything. i am thoroughly exhausted by the strain of caring too much, too often, and i feel stretched out too thin. i am breaking apart and i feel dissatisfied, disappointed, disillusioned. i feel alone, ugly, incapable, useless, and unloved. i feel utterly empty. completely depleted.

as with all my relationships, the pressure of expectations never fails to bring anything good to it's knees. this is true of the relationship i have with myself. i have lost respect, and gained only scorn for what i can only say is a shadow of my former self. i realize today that after everything that has happened since the beginning of last year, i am devoid of hope. i do not think i deserve better anymore. i do not love me anymore, and today i realize this.

to whoever is out there reading this, it may sound like something out of a suicide letter, or something equally depressing that, i don't know, maybe secondhand serenade could be responsible for. excuse this uncharacteristic surge of sadness that envelops me today, because unlike the rest, i find no comfort in anything.

there is no intention to induce guilt, pity, or even concern here. this is not a cry for help, nor is it a plea for companionship in my misery (yes, misery.), only indulgence in allowing myself to mark this day so i will remember the way this feels for the rest of my life. i do not like this, and for the sake of never ever having to feel like this again, i will be better.

with every sob that inevitably makes me choke a little, i convince myself that i am letting go. i do not know if this is true, but i suppose in some small way it makes me feel better. i don't know where all this is coming from but it feels like taking a breath for the first time. feel i liberated, but i honestly don't know what from. maybe now i can move forward, even without knowing what i'm leaving behind. just one of those days, maybe.

today, i feel everything.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

people.

i find that people have a hard time believing how socially retarded i am. perhaps it's the bluntness of my words, or the eloquence of my speech that leads them to believe that i just don't care what people think of me. while that is also true, the fact that all this stems from my awkwardness as a child (and this has grown with me) cannot be denied.

sometimes i tell people that i do not do well with expression of emotions, and they say that it's clearly a lie. to them i say, you clearly don't know me too well. tis' true that i have never had a problem expressing my views and voicing my opinions about things going on around me, but it has always been difficult to internalize that thought process when it comes to dealing with my own issues.

just to be clear, this is really me trying to get word out on how frustrating it is to be constantly guaged by one facet of my character, when i have many. i am not saying i am special for thinking this. i'm sure that there are many who feel the same but do not have the words to adequately describe what they are going through. i've never thought myself part of a crowd, nor have i ever thought i was special. while this may sound like a paradox to you, it really is true. as a child i never really fit in, and though it bothered me for a few years, i suppose that somewhere along the way, i've just given up trying to fit someone else's bill. this does not make me interesting or unique.

this just makes me me trying to be a better version of me.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

hush.


tremble,
because you don't have any other excuse for an illness.
shake,
because you don't have another reason to leave.

listen,
because you don't have anything (or anyone) else to speak to
but me.

so take me and don't let me go,
still me,
while i still feel like i need you.

don't silence this thought,
you know not what it's like in the dead of the night.

it's too much sometimes,
that immeasurable task of living life.

maybe i just want to be.

quiet.

maybe i just need,
you.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

on their own.


when i say i want to be wanted, that is really just what i mean. i've been hurt too many times to count and it's obvious to me now that i have brought this upon myself. still, do i not deserve a chance to be  happy?

while i keep saying that i will move on from this, i know that it's not as easy as typing out the words.

maybe it's best i stew in these feelings of loss for awhile. perhaps after, i will truly know the fortune that comes with having the right person, and stop settling for less.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Monday, March 11, 2013

outrun the night.


i was born with an enormous need for affection and a terrible need to give it.
-audrey hepburn


i don't really know how to explain this condition. maybe i just want to be safe somewhere with someone. i fear that my fear for loneliness, far supersedes the fear i have for where my impulsive nature has a habit of leading me. while it's true i do my best work when left to my own devices, this addiction is stifling. my need for people, or human interaction, has taken me down many a dark alley that never fails to leave me feeling violated, drained and dead inside.. but i always end up going back.

the simplest theory for my affliction would probably be that fairytales and grand ideas of romance have warped me and robbed me of what little sense i have, and though i have no intention of getting married and settling down with five fat babies any time soon, all i want is to be a reason for someone to say they know what love is.

silly huh.

i play around with the idea that detachment can cure me of this, and sometimes say sternly to myself "no more.". sadly, i never get around to sticking to my resolve. keeping my heart under lock and key is something i try too hard to do, and more often than not, i'm like a child who breaks into their own piggy bank under the lure of a candy store. i have an excess of life for awhile, but then get violently ill. days later, i cave once again, knowing full well i haven't yet had time to heal, but who gives a shit. maybe that was a bad batch and the next will be better.

the delusion that i'm just hopeful is basically fully fledged denial, and the irony is that i'm fully aware of it but don't quite want to look reality in the eye. the fact that i'm sick to death of being hurt, but am some kind of emotional junkie is probably so much closer to the truth, and everyone knows a desperate addict would never admit it.

so yeahh, i suppose to hold back sometimes is a good thing. then again, how can i, when all i want to do is fall? the possibility of burning out, a very likely scenario, should be enough of a deterrent for giving a piece of my heart that i don't really own away but it's not. what bugs me is that no matter how hard i try, this is the part i cannot rationalize and it drives me crazy. the need is endless, and i know it's destroying whatever poor excuse of a self-preservation system i have, but i still want it.

i still want to be found.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

returning moments stolen.


i suppose that in instances such as these, when life has bruised you a little,  it's easy to miss what you've never really had. what if is a game best left unplayed, i know, but still.. a time for everything, no?

today finds me melancholic, and somewhat detached from everything. the only passion i have strength for is regret, not that i feel that i have done wrong, but about what i could have done better. not trying to be all emo and hipster, saying random things that translate beautifully on a screen, but i guess we all have these days from time to time. you know the ones i'm talking about, when you listen to sad songs and end up feeling worse, because it's a period of wallowing you're after and not solace, if you're being honest with yourself.

i used to think that it was my inadequecy as a girlfriend that drove most of my previous partners to their ways, and sometimes madness. still i embraced their flaws and never loved them any less for it. arguments tend to present themselves early in most of my relationships because my character is such that i make my thoughts and feelings known so they won't mutate into resentment. still, even as the premise is set in the right tone, emotions distort the intention and its meaning is often misconstrued. terribly cliched as it is, all i wanted was to be loved the same.

the great lesson of today is how i find out how devastating complete disassociation can be. to never get the chance to try one more time to fix something between two people. people say that the opposite of love is hate, but i now realize that disengagement is so much more painful than the aforementioned. i suppose it has to do with channeling energy. disconnection can be so much harder because there's nothing left to hold on to.

open ended.

in my mind, perhaps a product of my own denial, none of this is fair. i don't deserve this and i don't need this drama in my life. mediation earlier in the day has helped me see that sometimes it has nothing to do with being fair, however, and sometimes, life just is. while i'd be lying if i said this wasn't difficult, i do know that it's doable.

solvable.

then again, i have no other option but to try. that much, you've made clear.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

lie here.


i suppose this probably isn't the worst thing that could happen. my heart has been shattered yet again, because.. well, because i can't have what i want. to be fair, it's really not anyone else's fault but mine. years of broken relationships have left me decidedly cold with an emptiness i doubt anyone can fill. not for lack of trying on their part, of course, but maybe there are just some things that are meant to be left uncompleted.

today finds me a little impatient and on edge, waiting for answers i know will not come. i haven't felt this lost in awhile, but then the rejection of affection and best intentions can do that to a girl.

lost, this time, not broken. i've never been one for putting myself down, and i'm not going to start now. i have never been perfect, so that shouldn't come as a surprise, but do not mistake my healthy acceptance of my flaws for delusions of contentment. i am not broken, but i am not whole. maybe i thought this relationship would somehow heal me, or at least ease the ache i feel when i'm alone, and all i really wanted was to have someone to love, someone who loved me too.

it just seems strange that after all that two people have been through to be together, it's still not enough.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

the gravity of time.

it strikes me today how one word can change everything. you may think that "if" is the word, but today, i tackle "wait".

the waiting room. the world is a waiting room. people waiting for opportunity, waiting for a sign, waiting for love, waiting for death.

there is no comfort to be taken by that fact that billions are doing this. is this really all we are? reduced to people too afraid of taking a chance, to seize the day?

i don't mean waiting for a person to show up on a date, or waiting to cross the road. the kind of wait i am talking about refers to the code of procrastination people nowadays live by, hoping something better will come along. i find, however, that most of the time, it just makes things worse.

i blogged awhile ago that there are certain things, certain sets of circumstances that cannot be changed. while in situations such as these, the wisest course of action would be to "do nothing", i did not mean for someone to sit on their lazy ass and wait for change, but not to retaliate aggressively, charged with irrational emotions.

to do nothing when nothing can be done is a philosophy that i actively live by. reacting in a way that will do nothing to help a situation is something i try very hard not to do. on the flip side, i do believe that no good will come to a person who does nothing to improve their quality of life. what that constitutes is, of course, subjective.

carpe diem quam minimum credula postero, as the greeks say, for you know not if it never comes.

advice that i take to heart the same as the day i first heard it. there simply isn't time.

Friday, February 15, 2013

letter from me to a grassroots leader (if you actually exist)

i refer to the article "letter from a grassroots leader to PM" currently circulating. many of my peers have shared it on facebook with proclamations of support for this your stand, and frankly, i am not surprised. before i begin, however, i apologize in advance for the strong tone and the occasional vulgarity, the way you should have apologized for your grammer. but as someone has pointed out, it is the message, not the language.

to be honest, i am sick to death of hearing this everywhere i go. while the PAP is by no means the perfect model of democracy, i think it hilarious to discount their leadership. singaporeans who are reading this and are starting to get riled up, yes, i'm fucking talking about you too.

while your entire letter is rife with critique, you have nothing to but to point out that you're angry about many things, that you don't like what the PAP has proposed, and then proceeded to piss on their efforts to rectify problems that you have identified, but have not given solution for.

i see that what you're valiantly trying to suggest is that LHL start listening to what the good people of singapore have to say about the decisions made. my question is, listen to who, exactly? people who know about the issues singapore is facing, who know about the decisions handed down by the PM and his mates, bitch about it, but do fuck all?

i have expressed my views on facebook, and a good friend of  mine (intelligent and very very handsome. no hard feelings dh!), suggested that the higher management levels of the government are there to bring in the complex solutions and not lean on the suggestion of grassroots leaders such as yourself, because that is their job. his exact words in support of this statement were "you don't get paid for tuition by asking the students how to solve problems right?"

right.

the issue here at hand is clear, and i will address it. decisions were made, such as the white paper initiative that shook the country. i will be using this as an example as it is current, interesting, a popular topic, and i want this to be short, succinct and precise to a point. a precaution must be taken prior to this, and i must warn whoever is reading that you may not like what you read here on out.

an aging population, an immense competition for work, the rising cost of living.. these are all issues to be dealt with. the population white paper (PWP) was intended as a solution, and to the best of our leaders' knowledge, the most viable solution. obviously, this view is contested by a vast majority of singaporeans. everyone knows this, because everyone hears it, and everyone speaks of it. it is hence popular opinion that the PWP is the problem. hell, the PAP is the problem, and a majority of the fault lies with our PM.

i fucking disrespectfully disagree.

the sordid truth is, dear singaporeans, that you are the problem. not all of you, of course, not those who see things for what they really are. the ones that i am talking about here are those who, bitch, whine, complain about everything and anything, but do nothing. i do not, cannot respect you, and i do not care for your disdain when you speak of your country and government.

the greatest cause for concern at hand is not really an aging population or any of the aforementioned hurdles our society has to overcome, but the attitude that many of you singaproeans have adopted towards your life here. singaporeans complain about "foreign invasion" causing rife, taking our childrens' slots in schools, taking our jobs, marrying our women, while the blatant fact you turn a blind eye to is that the people here have gotten less motivated to strive to be the best. you complain about taxes, the high cost of living, forgetting that development of a country comes at a cost as well. you bitch about blanket laws that grip our society, and put restrictions on so much, but forget that our young are safe guarded by the very same rules.

pointing the accusatory finger has become culture here simply because it is easier than fixing the problem. streets would be dirtier, more dangerous, if not for stringent laws that govern smoking, alcohol and drug intake, and littering. roads would be even more congested if not for road tax, import tax, the erp system and the high cost of vehicle ownership. the streets would be narrow, buildings dilapidated, factories old, and society backward if not for the tax that we all pay.

yes, living in this country is causes strain that we all feel. but what differentiates those successful and those just getting by is their motivation; a little something many singaporeans have ditched in favor of a stone to cast.

the solution to this problem, which is the underlying cause of every other one, is not something your government can slap a fine on, pass a referendum for, or impose a governing law upon. in fact, it's pretty much impossible to come outright and speak about to begin with, as telling a country that it's own people is the enemy is pretty much deemed a downright stupid thing to do. well the PAP may be too politically savvy (politically correct), to see it done but that is no concern of mine.

singaporeans, fix yourselves. fix your mindset, mentality and attitude before it infects the minds of the next generation and they are poisoned to anything that would otherwise promote growth of our country. leave your cock-stroking for something less detrimental to yourselves, leave your arrogance, conformity to popular opinion, and wake up your fucking idea. the first step to solving a problem is recognizing that there is one. lucky for you lot, you only need go as far as your mirror.

maybe then, we can talk about how to better tailor a answer to our economical, social, environmental and political challenges.

yours,
sarah t.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

fool's gold.


the last few weeks has seen much drama and i'm not ready to admit that i have been overwhelmed. tears are easily shed, but the wounds not as readily forgotten. while the pain of rebuilding a life with the people around you bearing witness to your foolishness makes it all the harder to keep your resolve, it is also supposed to strengthen it.

unfortunately, pressure and i have never really boded well.

perhaps it is the freedom that came from carefree relationships, a lighthearted approach to life that i found after moving out and the last crippling heartache that rendered me incapable of caring.. but of course, that's no excuse. frankly, it's the routine chain-reaction that i've set of with a series of misguided choices that i've grown sick of.

never been one for chiding myself, or wallowing, but this time, i suppose misery really does seem a fitting punishment.

rinse and fucking repeat.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

i promise.




life is exhausting. it stresses me out on a daily basis and i feel the burden of every passing moment accumulating with each step. i suppose that i just need to take a step back and tell myself everything is going to be okayy sometimes.

i'd rather be tired than dead i suppose.

Friday, January 25, 2013

i could use another cigarette.


it is possibly in the dreaded heat of the afternoon that i find the most solace.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

it looks like rain tonight.

prejudice. a preconceived opinion not based on factual circumstance.

"it's what's on the inside that counts." is the popular adage that people chant, as if a mantra to rescue themselves from the vanity that defines us. to be completely honest, the irony is not lost on me, as i find that it's most often the lazy ones, or people who think they're too hip to care how they look, that use these words to justify their outward appearance. of course this account is going to be on the losing the genetic lottery and how it molded me.

meet me, a five year old, whose mother religiously pulls my hair into pig tails everyday before school, is suddenly confronted with the reality that there is no such thing as expecting to be acknowledged for one's intentions rather than practice. this was the revelation stemming from whence my kindergarten teacher jokingly told me, after being made cry by a group of boys' persistant teasing, that eating flowers would make you pretty.

ohh the flowers i consumed. (denial.)

while an inappropriate thing to say to a child, i assume she had said this harboring only all the love in the world. the only thing in mind a hope to alleviate a kid's juvenile insecurities. what she did not know was the ripple effect this off-hand remark would cause and indeed, affect the rest of my life.

a few months after this, my mother caught me stuffing my face with ixora flowers, and you can guess the rest. the teacher was duly reprimanded after my mother dear raised hell at the school, i, of course was devastated that my looks just were and no amount of flowers could change that. (anger.)

a series of what most people would call unfortunate events eventually saw me a withdrawn, jaded, broken youth. desperate for attention others around me got, seemingly without trying, i consciously  began to change the way i spoke and walked. though i had exceptional learning skills, and could read and understand and process the likes of dickens and twain, i purposefully pretended to be at the same level as my classmates.. the likes of which were at the time struggling to get through some fluff by enid blyton. so intense was the desire to fit in that i deliberately denied myself what i wanted, what i could do, and who i was. (bargaining.) bear in mind, these were the during the tender growing years of a primary schooler.

prejudice. a preconceived opinion not based on reason. the way others perceived me was the way i, in turn, saw myself. in other words, being alienated by my-aged peers was the direct cause of my self-loathing. (depression.)

things changed when i got to the ripe old age of eleven. perhaps it was the exhaustion of constantly trying too hard to please those around me, the humiliation of begging for affirmation, maybe just the way i couldn't bring myself to meet my own gaze in the mirror, or more likely, an accumulation of the above and several other trivialities, but i decided that there were better things to fret about than winning over the masses. (acceptance.)

prejudice. a preconceived opinion not based on experience. the way others perceived me no longer mattered, because they who did not bother to know me did not deserve to. in other words, being ostracized was paving the way to independence, inner strength and the ability to let that which does not matter truly.. slide.

Monday, January 21, 2013

what the FUCK.


this is the most appalling road-conduct i've ever seen. i'm shocked that this isn't going viral as of yet, but it fucking should. whoever you are, you bloody bully, you should be shot.

to those watching, the first two minutes of the video is a display of irresponsible, hazardous, and completely unnecessary tail-gating. skip to 2:08 and prepare to be mortified.

i do not understand the rationale behind such jackassery and you, truck driver, should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. you are the reason traffic laws as stringent as ours exist, as well as the reason the people around me disapprove of my wanting a license.

i have heard that driving schools advise their students to ride in the middle of the lane, so as to avoid unintentionally extending an invitation to other vehicles to cut into their lane. apparently no precaution is enough to deal with impatience, general lack of etiquette and fundamental lack of respect for life.

i am appalled at his conduct, as well as angry at the fact that this happens everyday. people of singapore, there is really no place in the world you have to get to that warrants impatience like that. it's all very fine and well that this is on video and you are horrified by this fucking asshole's actions, but take it a step further and put yourself in the position of the innocent motorist that got hurt.

thousands of people get hurt every single day because of inconsiderate, rude dicks that drive like they're on the road alone. if you're a driver, please take into account that everyone has people who love and care them and there will never be a good enough reason to put their lives in danger. if you consider yourself a safe driver, take precaution because you could just as easily be a victim of above-mentioned horseshit.



god, i'm still fuming.

Friday, January 18, 2013

bile.


the last few days has seen me thrown into a cesspool of conflicting, confusing emotions. is it weird that i know what i'm doing is right, but in the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach just won't go away?

i suppose it's only human to feel this way. angry, relieved, bitter, liberated, helpless, hopeful, and all that jazz. i don't want to fight it, but just maybe.. my system can't handle this much. should the human heart be the actual hub for emotional activity, i'm pretty sure i would have gone straight into cardiac arrest by now.

still, nothing can be done, people of the internet. nothing can be done.

and we all know that if nothing can be done, simply do.. nothing.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

in a place like this.

it's not the greatest country in the world professor, that's my answer.

sharon, the NEA is a loser, yeah it accounts for a penny out of our paycheck, but he gets to hit you with it anytime he wants. it doesn't cost money it costs votes, it costs air time and column inches. you know why people don't like liberals? cause they lose, if liberals are so fucking smart how come they lose so god damn always? and with a straight face your going to tell students that america is so star spangled awesome that we're the only ones in the world who have freedom? canada has freedom, japan has freedom. the UK, france, italy, germany, spain, australia, belgium has freedom, so 207 sovereign states in the world and like 180 have freedom.

and yeah, you, sorority girl, just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there's some things you should know and one of them is there's absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world.

we're seventh in literacy, twenty-seventh in math, twenty-second in science, forty-ninth in life expectancy, one hundred and seventy-eighth in infant mortality, third in median house hold income, number four in labor force and number four in exports.

we lead the world in only three categories, number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real and defense spending where we spend more than the next twenty-six countries combined, twenty-five of whom are allies.

now none of this is the fault of a twenty year old college student, but you nonetheless are without a doubt a member of the worst,  period, generation, period, ever, period. so when you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

sure, we used to be. we stood up for what was right, we fought for moral reasons, we passed laws, struck down laws for moral reasons. we waged wars on poverty, not poor people. we sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors, we put our money where our mouths were and we never beat our chests, we built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and we cultivated the worlds greatest artists and the world's greatest economy. we reached for the stars, acted like men, we aspired to intelligence we didn't belittle it, it didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election and we didn't scare so easy. we were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed, by great men, men who were revered.

first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one.

america is not the greatest country in the world anymore.

will mcavoy, the newsroom
on the current state of america's constitution


probably one of the  most inspiring things i've heard recently. to be perfectly honest, i believe that this not just applies to america, but everywhere in the world. it's a fact that while the world used to aspire and dream of greater things, money is now generally the motivator for what people do.

a recent conversation with an incredibly intelligent individual proves this. while  singaporeans whine and bitch so much, they tend to forget that while they take their place here for granted, so many others are dying to take their place.

yes, living here is expensive, fast-paced, stressful at times. there are many laws to follow, and harsh punishments dealt when the former has been violated. i think these are conditions set for positive growth, factors that should strengthen our will to succeed, which is obviously nothing to complain about. strangely, very few people see things this way.

keep your coins, singaporeans. i want change.

Friday, January 11, 2013

if you call me home.


every once in awhile, you learn that you can be wrong about someone. someone you thought you knew everything about, has changed. and maybe, things will be better. change has it's consistency today, as it had yesterday, and will have tomorrow.

words have power, just as they can come to naught.. but maybe just tonight, i'm too young, too tired for games. shall be happy and content, and live in the moment. complications are overrated anyway.

to family, friends, and romance.

Friday, January 4, 2013

but i'm not done with the night.

with every new year, comes a tide of people making resolutions armed with confidence that they will abide by them. reflection on the past year and the analysis of time spent well and wasted is more the norm for me, however.

the last year has proved surprisingly fruitful in it's own way. while i won't delve into the details, i will say that it's the best one i've had in recent years.

so to 2013, i say this:

BRING THE RAIN.

bring on the harrowing days, sleepless nights, heartache, tears and the sweetness of success. the daily struggles will be battles that the better part of me will sometimes lose, but i will win this war against my weaknesses and fear. i will try my hardest to be happy here on out, no other resolutions necessary.

much love to everyone in my life that made this year that much more special. thank you for being uniquely you because without you i wouldn't be me. may all of you find joy this year and be as blessed as you have blessed me. you know who you are.

xxx