for to be wise, and love, exceeds a man's might.

last night, i couldn't sleep. thoughts filled my mind and it was just too overwhelming. i watched the sun come up as i had a puffed my way through the pack of cigarettes i just bought, pondering the great mysteries of life.

i say the words "great mysteries of life" out loud to no one, and then wonder if they are just great mysteries to me. i think about other people in the world who wonder about the same things i do and think about what could have happened in their lives to make them think the way they do. i wonder if they are as tired as i am, and if they have as many sleepless nights.

i wonder what they are doing with their lives.. if they have partners, and if they do, do they feel complete? i think of my existence and i think about how i have affected those around me. i imagine how i could have impacted their lives on varying levels, good and bad, and how many of them will still remember me in 20 years.

as i listen to the sounds of moog and erin renee, i wonder what went through their minds as they wrote their songs. i decide to google their lives when i have the time. i tell myself to think about things that make me happy. my mind goes blank for awhile, then i think of crayons and color pencils, silly putty, bacon, tree houses (always wanted one of those), a baby grand piano, a beach that goes on forever, and love. i stop. i decided i've done enough smoking for one night and head for bed. only i can't, so i decide to meditate, and let my soul have some rest.

today has me wondering if my heart is just not ready. it also has me fearing the possibility that it may never be. what i need is to find assurance that inner strength is more than what i have to offer people, and that i am already whole.

i suppose, for too long, i've let the world define me and my place in it. getting lost once in awhile is all very fine and well, but i'm tired of being a wanderer. this exhaustion is all consuming, and while satisfying at times, i can go no further. now, if only i had the discipline to live the way i want, and let the lure of unattainable destinations tempt me no more.

maybe, then, i could sleep.

for laughs.

okayy, so you know how every time i find a new obsession i go on and on about how i adore so and so but maintain that i am not abandoning so and so?

quick update: i am currently in love with g dragon, top, taeyang, park jung min and of course, kim hyun joong. i don't need to decide because let's face it, it's never going to happen anyway, also, i need to compensate for the lack of a real, existing man in my life. what better cure than 5 imaginary boyfriends?

for clarification's sake, the imaginary boyfriends are also known as "ze fantasies", so rest assured i'm not doing any imaginary cheating when i use either term.

ohh god, if it actually happens with any one of them (fat chance i know, but a girl can dream.) this blog post would be so, so embarrassing. whatevs though. it's obvious that i'm in good spirits today, (mostly because i had incredible imaginary sex last night) and i will not apologize.

thanks boys, wherever your real selves are. you put an average jane in a really.. really good mood.

goodbyes this way.

trust.. faith? i know not what would be appropriate to say to myself tonight. i am blessed to have friends like pat around me, for the warmth only good company can offer. at the same time, i suppose i'm looking for something more.. maybe just more. realistic or no?

and suddenly there's nothing left to say, but that i cared too much too long. i am 23 years of age now, but i feel a lot, a lot older.

it's been a so-so birthday, but thank you to all for the love. xxx