coyote.

so there's been a lapse in judgment. no big deal, right?

"notice we've been arguing too much
and talking too little?"

cest' la vie, but i really don't want to settle for less than i'm worth, and that much, i decide.



i don't feel so good.

disappointment's my new thing, i suppose.

having no expectations of a relationship has served me well over the years. for obvious reasons. for those who are to dense, i really am not going to bother.

having no expectations of a relationship, however, has not prepared me to deal with the crushing defeat of disappointment when you realize that someone you love manages to supersede the unthinkable: when they disappoint you beyond belief, and instead of trying to endeavor themselves to you, they go to the other extreme.

i've never understood men. or rather, to be fair, the men i have dated. why journey to the extremes? i've met men too nice, too much of a jackass, too smart, too himbotic, too handsome, too hideous, too snobbish, too much of a pushover and so on. why doesn't anyone settle for normal anymore?

honestly i'm starting to think that maybe i'm the problem. maybe the problem with me is that i don't have a problem with anything. maybe it's because i keep my hopes to myself and the expectations of the shelf. maybe it's because i don't have a checklist.

that's right boys, THE checklist.

you've heard it before i'm sure. the infamous list, the only one apart from schindler's that has got every girl obsessed. considered the woman's greatest essential, and the man's biggest enemy, the list determines, apparently, the happiness of people everywhere.

i, am somewhat an exception, i suspect, as i have but one criterion.

that i be loved for who i am, by someone capable of loving only me.

that and good sex. that's very important. oh and respect-slash-honesty as well. can't forget to throw that in.

okayy so three things. (i still think i make the exception though. most girls i know could publish theirs in volumes.) anyway, is that too much to ask? correct me if i'm wrong, but aren't these the fundamentals of any relationship?

if today is anything to go by, given what i've seen, i may as well have been educated by chimpanzees on the book of love. bahh. i sound pretty calm for someone who feels so humiliated, no?

much as realize the mockery at my expense, i can't help but feel somewhat relieved that i know. there is resentment, yes, but not toward whom you'd expect, and there is disappointment, also not for the reasons you suspect.

fiery words in fluctuating volumes were exchanged this afternoon, as well as arguments of the lesser evils. reasons were given, and excuses bought and swallowed. i guess when all's been said and done, i had to ask myself, how far i was willing to bend back for the sake of someone i'd die for.

lesser evil?

suppose that's where i got my answer.

if you are reading this, forgive me. i swear i will never speak of this again.

pills for the pain.

if you've ever been in that place, that really dark abyss where you feel like no one's gonna save you, remember that you're not alone in this predicament. revelation: everyone's got a private pit of hell that's reserved for them alone. in this, they are buried under everything from passing regret to a raging hatred.

so if it's any comfort, no one's really happy anymore. and you're not all that different.

so sometimes i don't.

it's almost like feeling insignificant has become a new way of life for me.

and i don't like it.

youth is wasted on the young.

on road to recovery at the moment and im feeling slightly more bouyant of late.

tee and i had a nice chat last night and we talked some of our insecurities through. it struck me for the very first time that not everyone looks at some things the way i do.

"do you ever feel like you don't know what i'm thinking?"

of course i do. for example, i don't know what the hell was running through your mind when you told me about what happened with the big jay expected me not to be upset. even more so, i don't know what possessed you to tell me that i wasn't helping the situation and let you handle it. i don't suppose you figured how you could possibly have hurt my feelings.

so when you asked this question yesterday, and this ran through my mind before i answered, it somehow clicked that it really doesn't matter. like you didn't know you'd hurt me, i didn't know what you were thinking of when you said what you did.

i've decided it doesn't really matter if you don't know what gets processed under this skull of mine all the time and vice versa. what i really care about it how we work out after that. after all what is most important is that we are where we are, isn't it?

and that, my dear, is what i meant by what i said. :]

what is.

is seeing perfection in every flaw.

scratch that.

it's seeing someone without having to look.

on love and other things.

hello all it's been awhile.

so stopped working at humerstons, and am currently with pactum. business development manager. imagine that!

anyways, work has been hectic, so excuze moi. really, i've been having trouble finding time for anything else of late. everyone here is a dear though, which makes up for a lot.

on to other things, randall and i are no more, for those who've not been keeping up. but remorse and regret is the least of my worries right now and quite honestly the last thing on my mind. of course, i'm not belittling or discounting any part of the brief relationship we shared, but it will do no good, i realised, to border on the same subject day in and day out.

troubles other than the failed attempt at a relationship between two very different people have surfaced and these are very tangible and real. in all honesty, i can say for the first time in awhile, i'm afraid. shockingly, not of what the future may hold, but the present which threatens everything i have worked for.

(scandal if you are reading this, you know what i'm talking about.)

advice and chastising can wait for now. all i want is to work my balls off for the rewards i know are just around the bend. not to waste my time on the tragedy of my past, but to focus on what's beyond the horizon. i deserve this, i know.

either way, forgive me for however cold i may seem, but i need this. to cleanse my life of the debris clogging up my mind and emotions. i need this break, and i have since decided i will not let anyone stand in my way, including myself.

suddenly i need a beer. hahaa, apparently, my liver is the one part of me that's beyond repair anyway.

love to all, i'm about to catch my wave.