for the love of nancy.

yeah and if everyone boycotts mega stores and/or supermarkets, how many will go hungry again?

get real. it's not a cause, it's just life.

with words.

hello all, it's been awhile. also, forgive the odd hour. have a bit too much on my mind to go to bed and drift off to a fitful few hours, hence my presence here. and when i'm here at this ungodly hour, we all know a rant is in order.

first off, the job front isn't looking too good. while sales and marketing has always been a passion i always envisioned myself pursuing long-term, i really don't see how it's going anyfuckingwhere at the present moment.

which is driving me absolutely INSANE.

to begin with, as i have explained to my very patient seniors, i do not understand why i'm not doing as well as we all hoped here. i'm smart, eloquent, decent looking and i have a knack for getting strangers to like me. why i'm not highrolling is utterly beyond my comprehension. aforementioned seniors have chided me, saying it's not always what you say, but how you say it. i completely agree, perhaps it's my delivery of the message that's a problem. but it really shouldn't be THIS hard to rectify, should it?

mon dieu.

second, things at home are getting crazy and yes, boys and girls, another stretch away from home is in the making. so see, it's perfectly understandable that i'm feeling uptight and snappy, no? apart from the obvious deprivation of funds to support my needs and wants, comes the never ending migraine called rent.

as if that's not enough, singtel has been being a cunt and my phone bills have, for some unknown reason, decided to sky rocket.

problems are easy to fix on a short term front, but in the long run, the solutions themselves are bound to affect me negatively as well. so here's the dilemma, the fast fix, or the highway to hell? because let's face it, i'm going there either way.

through this all, i have to say there has been one last remaining comfort i have to lean on. the boyfriend has been incredibly supportive and is steadfastly determined to keep me happy and safe. so in his case, recognition is due and is now rightfully given.

"it's not about how you feel about him,

it's how he makes you feel about yourself that matters most."

and i've said, you make me want to be a better person. thank you baby, for things you don't even know you do that change me.
iloveyou.

shallow pools and puddles.

work is going great, along with other things. if you're accessing this page via facebook you'd probably have noticed the status update prior to this link. for those of you who have no idea what im talking about, it goes like this.

"so the cat's out of the bag. that is, of course, assuming it was ever in there in the first place."

apparently, the whole world knows that im seeing someone at the mo. while the situation is precarious, i have to admit it's a huge fucking relief. everyone who knows me am aware that i positively ABHOR keeping bloody secrets. you won't believe how stressed out i was during the course of this ordeal.

on another note, i am utterly devastated. according to z, my blog is tres boring. how can this be? i am ONLY the most amusing and interesting person i know! le sighh, i cannot believe that i am, of all things, BORING.

to remedy this, im going to ask for suggestions from readers of this blog for topics. tell me what you want my opinion on and i'll gladly oblige. tagboard, as always, is open.

till next! xx

maintaining radio silence.

hello all, apologies for the absence.

this calls for a quick rundown of what has happened since i've last blogged, no? since the 2nd of january, i have gotten a fulfilling job, found a new family of colleagues, partied and fallen in love. quite simply put, an interesting 3 weeks have passed and i've never been so at home in a long long while.

to all those who have been wondering how the book is coming along, i regret to inform you that i haven't been as diligent as i first imagined i would be. a bit of leeway, however, is in order as my working hours have since been extended to a full 14 hours a day. the days are long and the nights are longer, hence i do expect your sympathy. not to worry too much though. i've been writing less, but regardless, i am more or less on track to finishing by may, and hopefully publishing by july! (yayy me.)

on another note, apart from the usual bossa nova and jazz, i've been listening to a lot of dubstep of late. not one of the usual suspects, but i have to admit i'm enjoying it an awful lot. must be the influence.

DUBSTEPISWUBWUBWUB.

anyways, enough for now. more tomorrow after work, promise. xx

every door i tried, was locked.

so, it's back to work on the 2nd of january. what with it being just a bit before christmas, it seems so far away. unfortunately i know from experience it's gonna close in sooner or later.

quick reflection of 2011, as it has been so far:

on the job front, three different fucked up jobs, three different fucked up employers, enough said.
on relationships, a sad ending, a beautiful beginning, a hasty departure, a bitter heartbreak, leaving a very confused girl. jaded, and unlike the last time the word has been used in this blog, i swear i'm on the verge of giving up.
on other things, a near complete waste of what could have otherwise been a productive year. sadly, what with the afore mentioned that i had to work with, it left too little of me to do much else.

although this has obviously proved to have been a turd of a year, the french is coming along nicely. i have now attained the fluency equivalent to that of a french toddler. which is still something, isn't it.

well, so ONE good thing. something to be thankful for after all i suppose.

from TMR.

blogging from work now. just to announce that im officially exhausted to the point of passing away. and i'm not even doing anything. whoever knew teaching kids to sing would be so tiring?

still, much as it sucks the energy out of me, i'm reminded how rewarding it is as well. i have missed this :D

shoutout to all my new colleagues! FIG, MIGGER, and all the rest. <3 thanks to you guys, i am having the time of my life.

games.

ahh the week saw a whirlwind of activity. to be honest, i didn't expect to many things to happen, as i've assumed i've settled into what i've thought to be a mundane and somewhat comfortable existence. apparently, life has other plans, no?

new friends, lost and found friends, best friends, and people i'm really not too eager to talk about at the moment, came and went amidst bouts of alcoholic inebriation. of course there's the good "omg i'm loving this let's party hard" kind, and the not so good "ahh fuck what am i doing here, i want to leave now" kind. thankfully, i had more of the former for the week. i'm grateful.

well now that i know that there's another fan of my blog, (hello andrew!), there's another reason to blog-n-entertain again. honestly i've missed this. haven't been coming here not because i've run out of things to talk about, but i simply haven't had the time to spare.

but of course, i have a gem to share. a personal revelation of sorts when i was talking to a certain someone. well, as someone very famous once said, time enjoyed is never time wasted. i've only just remembered this, shockingly. whatever happened to doing stuff just because i can?

fact of the matter is, i'm changing. decisions i've made recently are very different from the kind i'd have made two years ago. between the two, i'm very much aware of who i'm turning into. sacrifices aside, i actually like it.

so there, i'm not angsty, i'm just growing up. occasional grievances are normal, aren't they? (at least i think so, hahaa.) doubts and other nonsense that fester in my mind sometimes get the best of me, but if you can't deal with the worst of me, you really don't deserve the best (yes, marilyn monroe!).

in short, a big thank you to all my lover-ly friends, for understanding that i've not had the best of months, and listening. words are not enough, but i love you all. <3

baby you, have become my addiction.

i'm overwhelmed by the sudden impulse to throw myself out of the window. so many things to do, so many leads to follow up on, so much to map out. it's driving me crazy. but then i can never let tee know. much as he won't admit it, he needs someone else to be strong every once in awhile and i'm really more than happy to oblige. least i could do ainnit?

means a lot to me when he says the things he does sometimes. they can be so insightful and sensitive, like he really knows when i feel down and need some assurance. (the rest of the time i feel like strangling him.)

the last month has seen so much drama, and i quite honestly, none of that was called for. a lot of the time, i may seem detached and cold, but that's only because i don't want to get myself knotted in someone else's web of self destruction. not because i think they're problems should stay their own, but because sometime i feel terrible enough myself and i don't feel like i can take on the extra load. listening and nodding along is all very fine and well, but of late i realized that it's, more often than not, not enough.

either way, it's really starting to take a toll on me, this farce. so what else is there to do but shake it off?

rest assured,
i'll not neglect or forget,
even if i'm not there.

on love and other things.

hello all it's been awhile.

so stopped working at humerstons, and am currently with pactum. business development manager. imagine that!

anyways, work has been hectic, so excuze moi. really, i've been having trouble finding time for anything else of late. everyone here is a dear though, which makes up for a lot.

on to other things, randall and i are no more, for those who've not been keeping up. but remorse and regret is the least of my worries right now and quite honestly the last thing on my mind. of course, i'm not belittling or discounting any part of the brief relationship we shared, but it will do no good, i realised, to border on the same subject day in and day out.

troubles other than the failed attempt at a relationship between two very different people have surfaced and these are very tangible and real. in all honesty, i can say for the first time in awhile, i'm afraid. shockingly, not of what the future may hold, but the present which threatens everything i have worked for.

(scandal if you are reading this, you know what i'm talking about.)

advice and chastising can wait for now. all i want is to work my balls off for the rewards i know are just around the bend. not to waste my time on the tragedy of my past, but to focus on what's beyond the horizon. i deserve this, i know.

either way, forgive me for however cold i may seem, but i need this. to cleanse my life of the debris clogging up my mind and emotions. i need this break, and i have since decided i will not let anyone stand in my way, including myself.

suddenly i need a beer. hahaa, apparently, my liver is the one part of me that's beyond repair anyway.

love to all, i'm about to catch my wave.

some bad, for satisfaction.

came into the office at 12 only to wait for 2 hours for boss to come open the door. fml.

fortunately for me, i've got colleagues who love me enough pamper me. apparently, everyone's had a shitty enough day to sympathise for once.

can't wait for the sub at home, meatball freak!

am so tired i could die.

if only.

chariot chaser.

so i've been bumming around for the last month or so. i quite miss having a job. i miss ps cafe. and it's at times like these that i curse the day a certain shade of yellow was born.

moving on, i have also begun to see that i'm getting very, very lazy. i'm sure boy would be appalled, but i am in fact hesitant about getting a job. not that i'm NOT in need of a paying time-chaser, but i am using the fact that school begins only a month away as an excuse to further deliberate and procrastinate deciding my next course of action.

some who know me know already by my constant bitching that my parents have not been very forgiving toward this lack of income, though they have not exactly voiced their concerns per se. it's come to a point that i'm even beginning to suspect that i'm delighting in this secret rebellious streak that tells me not to get a job, JUST SO i can piss them off more.

surely, many would say this isn't very wise, and i honestly couldn't agree more. however, i do believe that unlike a majority of twenty year olds, i HAVE paid my dues over the last three years and i deserve the flexibility of deciding to cut myself some fucking slack. at this point though i realise i might be losing some of the charm some of you might have falsely associated me with, but i don't really care.

ever the walking oxymoron, even i don't really know if i want a bleeding job. a chore it might be, but it supports my habits, which in turn, keeps me going. still, the responsibility a little bit of money comes with is quite astonishing and i'm not really sure i want to contend with that right now. even as the boredom is killing me (softly, slowly and surely.), i really don't want to put myself in a position where i go back to school and i have to quit because of my aunt worries it might interfere with my studying.

so world, how now brown cow? i do terribly hate being a total worry wart, but days like these really do stretch too long at times and allows you too much thinking.

love and other forms of recreation on a high.

today is supposed to be the day i go for my first interview, but i postponed that for the MDIS' open house, only to learn that it is, in fact tomorrow. D=

fml.


on a brighter note, will not post about yesterday (the best valentine's ever), but i will say this.

MY BOYFR IS THE
SHIT.

it's really at times like these you count your blessings and remember exactly why you are still sane in this crazy world.

till next!

p.s.: thanks again for the diamonds, butterbean!

when in doubt, wear red.

does that mean i'm all too sure of myself? hahaa.

it's currently almost 5 am. got up to pee and now i can't seem to get back to sleep, damn it. of course, now that i'm online, only means i have trilions of things to entertain me. but oh, if i could just get back to that dream i was having..

dreams. we all had some of those didn't we? i vaguely remember wanting desperately to be the next britney spears (without the scandals, of course. and with full intention of keeping my underwear on at all times.), stacy wanted to be an astronaut, sheri wanted and probably still does want to be a bloody vampire or something.. holly golightly wanted to find her tiffany's.

i think it's pretty safe to say that there comes a time for most of us when we decide to wake up. wake up and don suits to go to work, give allowance to the wife, feed the kids and pay the mortgage. most of us forget those dreams that we spent a lifetime in our childhood chasing. before we learnt to tell time and time gave us a awift kick in the ass.

my entire life, i've been telling myself to wake up and smell the coffee. that i have to

A) stop being a dreamer
B) stop procrastinating and get a real life where a decent job and family fit & basically
C) stop being irresponsible by running down an imaginary path

and all of a sudden, now, at 5 fucking am no less, an epiphany.

i don't want to go through life souless and wondering what could have been. i DON'T want to give up my dreams.

i mean, imagine if van gogh, marco polo or the beatles had given up! oh, life would be meaningless then.. and the world would be crammed with huts and two story houses if the egyptians told themselves building the pyramids was an impossible feat! and what if spiderman stuck to taking his photos instead of saving the world! why, he would never have swept mary jane watson off her feet!

but i digress.

refer to the title of the previous post. the story is simple and short.

picture, if you will, yourself waking up and going through your routine. mummy yelling at you to get out of bed and go to work. five minutes later the alarm goes off and you know you can't put off rolling out from under the cover anymore.

you get up, brush your teeth, a quick cold shower you hope will save you from wandering out on the streets asleep. you grab a coffee on your way out, and give your mom a dry peck on the cheek and mutter some incoherent promise to be home by 8 for dinner.

you're off to work. you go to the same job you've been at the last decade or so. with the at thought, you heave a heavy sigh and step out the front door.

neighbour in the lift. a mrs tay, or tan or teo or something. you give a polite nod but exchange no words whatsoever. she probably doesn't know who you are in any case.you're more interested in fiddling with your i pod, and she's preoccupied with her cat.

traffic is light, you notice, as you wait for the lights to change so you can cross the street. lights change, but before you get the chance to make it across the road..

a goddamn rouge ice cream truck slams into you and crushes every bone and organ in your body against some tree. and you die. (obviously.)

now, what does through your mind that nano second between the time when you get hit and the time you die?

assuming the time stretches out and everything happens in slow-mo like they do it in books and movies, i would like to think of happy things, great things that i've done with the people i love and care about. i don't want to regret my life, or wonder about how different i could have ended up as an artist instead of a constructer. me? i want to die knowing that i grabbed life by the balls.

sure, life in it's infinite irony ends in death. as many a cynic would say, we eventually all end up in the same place anyway. what difference does it really make? a painter, an engineer, or a scientist? but as somesone great once said, isn't it all about the journey, not the destination?

here's the lesson of today folks (and i'm only saying it now, because my fingers are cramping already!), what i want, essentially, is to announce at the top of my lungs that i'm not going to be afraid anymore. i'm done holding myself back from being the success i know i can be. inspirational this may not seem to you, but hell, it feels good to let it out. i'm going to follow my dreams. like mulan and pocahontas.

as the pirates say(according to pirates of the caribbean),

take all you can and give nothing back.

why, do you make an enemy of me?

evening, all. have i been missed?

some of you may know that i've long quit my job at P.S. cafe, and am in the ranks of the unemployed.. well all that ends TOMORROW. yes folks, i will be joining the merry men (and women) at robertson quay. hopefully, it'll turn out better than that ridiculous circus of my previous second home.

on to other things.

l'amore l'amore.

i have to admit, that even though i am madly in love, a realtionship in constant motion won't fall from the sky. i'm trying to work at it and the question i'm faced with now is, is that enough?

but then, enough of doubt i say. haa. i really should stop second guessing the ones i love as well as myself. at the risk of a cliche,

there

simply

isn't

enough

TIME.

my cherie amour.

once again another hiatus. but you all musta missed me. :]

recently has been up to more than i can handle. lost someone dear, gained a new enemy, fell out of love, fell head over heels, got transferred to another outlet at work, quit my job, etc.

of course, none of it is ever all good or all bad, but probably the most painful lesson i've learnt is never to expect anything from anyone, really.

boyfriend is a darling and i feel i don't deserve him sometimes, but i know he loves me and that's more than enough for a little girl like me. haa, the irony.

all this time a-wasted chasing after something permanent with a child, while what i really need is a MAN.

HAA.
ohh rara papaya you are insane.

but as boy would say, it's endearing (sometimes).

anyways, the last few weeks have been about finding myself and what i really want i think most will be glad to know how much i've thought things though and got everything sorted out. am now happier than i've been in the last few months and am truly glad to have gotten rid of the heaviest burden in the world.

i miss how nicely words fall beside each other. i've forgotten how good it feels to put my thoughts on a page.

this was nice, thanks.

<3

mid shift madness.

in cases of extreme pressure, how well can you keep yourself glued together at the seams?

wine red.

so marks the last of my days with ps cafe: harding. as well as the relationship.

it's like a curse, i keep reminding myself that bad things only happen in 3's. it will be over soon.

it's not funny anymore. how everyone manages to dump me sooner or later. it's not funny anymore, how everyone just decides to let go. does no one keep their resolve anymore?

whatever happened to love?

whatever happened to agape love?

it pays too much to try to fit everybody's bill nowadays, and i think that this has made me one of them.

i've given up.

i'm done, so done with being hurt.

i wish i never started this, any of this.
i wish i never played this game, because i'm against ridiculous odds.
i wish i was never fucking born.

this is not how i wanted all of this to start or end. somehow people form their own interpretations.

as what i said to doug,

perception is truth.

in which case, break up was inevitable.

eventually.

back to the basics.

so it's back to bartending for me, only now at palais. don't ask why, don't get me started.

but i do have to say just this. i've never felt more dispassionate about people in general before. i guess humans by nature all have the tendency to feel misunderstood.

we'll see how it goes from here.

workin' at the carwash, yeah.

WHAT AM I STILL DOING
HERE.

dearest Ms',

i strongly believe that everyone has kept their trap shut long enough and now is finally the time to break the silence.

your staff is getting very unruly. not in terms of appearance, or in terms of service, but more to the face that a whole bunch of people simply cannot get along.

my suggestion?

FIRE ALL THE FUCKING PINOYS.

thank you for your kind attention.

yours sincerely,
ra.

& home is the best place to be.

i'm really beginning to hate my job.

being what i am, i hate accommodating my superiors, and that's an issue in itself. and plus, i see no need to keep my mouth shut just because there are the "big shots" around.

the politics are so obvious a deaf and blind man could tell you it's wrong.

the customers are getting harder and harder to deal with.

the daily duties are becoming a pain in the ass.

i'm sick of seeing people who are unworthy of promotions moving higher up in rankings than those who earned it.

and of all these things, i can't be fucked to care about what other people say about me therefore i can't be fucked to listen to people telling me about how i should be careful about the things i say.

in short, i suppose that i'm simply dissatisfied about my job. that i can't find joy in what i'm doing and that i do not care to.

perhaps, (and i've lain awake hours thinking about this.) the problem is not with my job, but with my attitude. come to think about it, it's actually possible.

could something be wrong with me? the almighty RA?

ahh damn it. i'm wayyy too tired to think straight. g'night all.