not the second after or before.

today is urban ears day at work.

breaking my week long silence with a post about somethings that i don't get in/about social media.

1.

#wtfisthis
#fuckyeah
#imsohungrynow

DOES THIS LOOK FAMILIAR?

now i understand hashtagging in twitter for actual words. does anyone actually know how this phenomenon came about? according to wiki, this form of identification in chatrooms, and then became a form of micro-posting/micro-blogging and emphasis. still, on facebook? has no one yet realized that facebook does not support hashtags as metadata?

gahh. and i thought i was slow.

2.

YOLO.

what the fuck does this even mean? is the statement not short enough for you lazy bastards? for those of you who are as clueless as i am, YOLO stands for "you only live once" and is now used by hipster wannabes as an excuse for doing very stupid things. you will see it's appearance in conversations along these lines.

"dude im so drunk typing in caps hurts my head.. drinks later though?"
"mother of god, john was just talking about getting a tattoo on his penis!"
"i know i've only known him for three weeks, but should we get married?"

and the reply to all these idiotic proclaimations would be

"WELL YOLO MUTHAFUCKA."

(this does not stop the facepalming and regret the following morning.)

3.

word-shortening to the point of causing major confusion. for example, what the hell is "feels"? as in:

"whoever from wherever is so hot and and and, oh my godddddddddddddd, the feelssssssssssss!"

???????????????

enough said.

sorry sheri, it was the best example i could think of hahaa.

4.

while i all but drool over the korean men, it is a fact they make horrendous dramas. in fondant garden, a taiwanese/korean hybrid that reduced me to tears only 92 times, i have to admit half of the 16-episode series are flashbacks. also, what is up with the roundabout storyline? i swear, every bloody korean drama is like turn-left-turn-fucking-right. (k-fans should know what i mean.)

other things that aggravate me:

• why are all then men so hot and all the girls so average looking?
• why are the girls too cute and all the men too perfect?
• why is it that all villains have redeeming factors so it's impossible to hate them?
• is it actually possible that a cake can be made from scratch in 15 minutes? if not, why are they made to order in this drama?
• what's with the koreans being dubbed over in mandarin and the taiwanese being dubbed over in korean? why? WHY?

sighhh feeling frustrated all of a sudden. korean drama hotties, why are you all too good to be true?

shall be all for today then.

if this bottle could talk.

a week or so ago, i cleared all outstanding friend requests on my facebook account. what prompted me to do so, i really cannot say. apart from the annoying prompts i do not know how to turn off, i suppose boredom was a contributing factor. anyways, since then i have deeply regretted this moment of stupidity, as my newsfeed is now a sea of people announcing their lunch times, their period pains and other mundane things that to the world. (and people ask me why i drink.)

perhaps i am the only one who feels this way, but i highly believe this to be close to impossible. honestly, i cannot imagine -


- how someone else wouldn't know it's thursday
- why someone would care if you got out of bed from the right or left side
- why you eating pringles for lunch would be cause of interest
- you saying you're pissed and providing no further information is expected to garner replies of sympathy

for the love of god, what has become of us? is it possible that with all the advancements made in the last 2 centuries, humanity has devolved?

in all seriousness, i do admit that the freedom of speech promoted nowadays on easily-accessed platforms has prompted the majority of retards that exist among us to step forward and take advantage of it. however, should there not be some form of filtration programmed, especially into social network forums? for example, how google search corrects your spelling with a self righteous "did you mean...?", i am quite serious about inculcating that practice with every site that is promoting friendship with strangers. after all, it is an all-for-one scenario.

in short, the betterment of people everywhere is at stake here, the main concern being influence. as we all know, 10 year olds are as technologically savvy as any 35 year old picked off the street. wouldn't it be nice if the next generation of successors weren't as exposed to stupidity as they are now? the amount of garbage online, on tv, in the papers and on the streets are quite enough to reduce a perfectly normal three year old's IQ to a single digit score.

i have long accepted that rome wasn't built in a day, and there is no way all forms of inane bullshit will be kept out of our everyday lives. i am merely hoping that somewhere, someone influential will get to this very in-your-face blogpost and wake the fuck up. i don't know if right now, i'm blogging to make a change. what i do know is that, should the mental capabilities of my fellow singaporeans continue to deteriorate in the next five years, i'm moving to mars, if necessary. (of course, assuming that maybe 50 or so people retain a high enough IQ to discover if it's possible.)

shallow pools and puddles.

work is going great, along with other things. if you're accessing this page via facebook you'd probably have noticed the status update prior to this link. for those of you who have no idea what im talking about, it goes like this.

"so the cat's out of the bag. that is, of course, assuming it was ever in there in the first place."

apparently, the whole world knows that im seeing someone at the mo. while the situation is precarious, i have to admit it's a huge fucking relief. everyone who knows me am aware that i positively ABHOR keeping bloody secrets. you won't believe how stressed out i was during the course of this ordeal.

on another note, i am utterly devastated. according to z, my blog is tres boring. how can this be? i am ONLY the most amusing and interesting person i know! le sighh, i cannot believe that i am, of all things, BORING.

to remedy this, im going to ask for suggestions from readers of this blog for topics. tell me what you want my opinion on and i'll gladly oblige. tagboard, as always, is open.

till next! xx

trendspotting.

apparently, the year has not only been shit for me, but also for all of singapore. possibly the world. amusing, but devastatingly embarrassing things have made both annoyed and ashamed of my nationality, because of such idiocies that my fellow countrymen have claimed ownership of. this post is solely dedicated to airing my views because such is the burden of being a brilliant blogger, and this opportunity to rant is too good to miss. and so, without further ado, a rundown of all that has been going on in this circus.

the hosehbo experience:
the what would be her slapping her mother and the where would be her keeping the universe posted by declaring the life-changing experience on facebook. responses were, at least to us normal people, predictable. shockingly, miss hosehbo responded angrily.
to all that have been flaming that little shit, leave her alone. bitching and getting all riled up isn't going to change anything really. and to HSB, like hello? what do YOU have anything to be angry about. you slapped your mother and posted it on a public forum. blame your absence of a brain, oxygen thief.

the aaron tan hooplah:
boy meets girl, boy loves girl, girl leaves boy, girl loves another boy. sadly, these are everyday occurrences. now, posting a video on youtube about it, is not. 18 year old aaron tan seems to have something to prove and nobody is quite sure what it is. understandable, BECAUSE HIS ENGLISH IS MOTHER- INCOMPREHENSIBLE. unfortunately, of all people to watch this video and post a video response, a foreigner does. nothing against foreigners, of course, but this one just happened to be so rude, everyone was on aaron's side all of a sudden.
first off, why was this clip on aaron's personal rant going viral in in the first place? perhaps it is my impatience that made me cut off the video a minute or so into it, but i really didn't see anything worth my time. second, why is this holysoldierguy or whatever replying to aaron. do you KNOW him? also, why the racism man, where's the love? plus, it really is none of your bloody beeswax.
what i do not understand is what this phenomenon of singaporeans picking sides is caused by: national pride, or just plain hypocrisy. just a thought.

the SMRT debacle:
yes the trains stopped twice in two days, yes a piece of the fucking ceiling broke off and hit someone, yes people could have died. also, there are millions of people dying of starvation. planes are crashing. men, women and children alike are fighting wars in order to stay alive. serial killers are aplenty and people vanish everyday.
my point is folks, shit happens. as i was explaining to TIMMYIZKING yesterday, with an operation on a scale that large, accidents are inevitable.

there you have it. is it any wonder that i'd rather be somewhere far, far away? some advice from a shady character:

SINGAPOREANS,
YOU GUYS NEED TO
CHILL
THE
FUCK
OUT.

seriously.

where my heart used to be.

the worst stab wound is the one to the heart.
sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same.
there's always a scar, which I guess, is meant to remind you that even for a little while, someone made your heart beat faster.
and that's a scar you can live with, proudly.
all the days of your life.

as said by AUGUSTUS HILL in season 4.

if you must know, this is what love is. you know who you are. it astounds me that one can live a lie as big as that. it doesn't change how i feel about you, and i am most definitely not in any place to judge you. but i do want to help you see that by looking out of rapunzel's window and keeping your distance, you're not keeping yourself safe because you're your own worst enemy.

if there's nothing else you can take out of this, just remember everyone's got their own problems, off days, insecurities and skeletons. deal with yours because no one can keep you your happiness without your say so.

there are people who need you here.

like me.

houston, we have a problem.

i love reading aunt agony letters, because i adore pretending to be an expert advice giver. though i never made a profession of revealing the core of their problems and telling them where to put it, many of my friends will tell you i dispense the greatest advice ever in the history of great advice.

here's one that i came across on the net. i felt a need to add on my two cents worth so.

yahoo! news, abigail van buren, tuesday - november 15th 2011

(someone who is harried and has cancer:)
DEAR ABBY:

I have been battling breast cancer and have been blessed to have a lot of support from family, friends and some awesome medical providers. My husband's best friend and his wife socialize with us quite often, and the friendship is important to him. I recently celebrated a birthday and these friends had us over for a belated birthday dinner. They bought me beautiful flowers and a gift. The card attached made a joke about my "aging breasts," which she found quite funny.

Abby, I had a mastectomy, which she knew about! To make matters worse, my hair has just started to grow back from the chemo, so I decided to have some highlights put in, and she told me she didn't like my new hair.

I am hurt and dumbfounded by her insensitive behavior. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time she has said things like this. How do I tell her I'm offended by her rudeness without compromising my husband's friendship with them? -- HARRIED FRIEND

(what abby said in response:)
DEAR HARRIED FRIEND:

You nailed it. The woman is insensitive -- but you said she has also made tasteless comments in the past. For the sake of the friendship between your husbands, tune her out and spend less time with her one-on-one. It's OK to tell her that her joke about your "aging breasts" hurt your feelings in light of your mastectomy, and that as your hair is growing back you thought you'd like to try something "different." However, if you use the word "offended" she'll probably become defensive, so avoid that word.

A final thought: Most people are terrified of cancer. People sometimes try to make jokes about things that make them uncomfortable in an effort to diffuse those feelings. This may be the reason the woman tried to joke about it, so don't let it cause you to carry a grudge.

(what i would have said:)
DEAR HARRIED PERSON:

this may come off as harsh, but woman, grow a pair. or a spine. bitch gotta recognize, man!

first off, she must think she's hilarious, so use humor as your weapon. for example, in retaliation to her knee-slapping aging breasts joke, you could say "well i had a mastectomy, what's your excuse?". in my opinion, such a response is not only witty, but also warranted. about what she said with regards to your 'do, your hair is your business and she shouldn't be in it. tell her so and don't be afraid of offending her. she certainly didn't care whether or not she did you. should her husband, or yours for that matter, have anything to say about it, you may feel free to smack them around a little then throw their sorry, soggy asses out on the street.

my dear lady, you had breast cancer. you're defo better than this woman and there is no reason for letting her push you around. you have a loving network of friends and family who have watched you survive chemo, so how would they feel if they saw you cheat death only so you could be this bitch's doormat? the way i see it, giving her a taste of her own bloody medicine is not just standing up for yourself. it is also giving credit to the people who care about you, and ultimately, for her own good as well.

abby thinks that most people are terrified of cancer. i'd say that's horseshit. EVERYONE, is terrified of cancer, and rightfully so. you have a lot of inner strength overcoming that hurdle love, and if this friend of yours can't respect that, she can jolly well FUCK OFF.

AND THERE'S PROOF.

things that get to me and why.

before i actually go to bed, i just have to bloody rant about girls these days who are giving those like yours truly a bad name.

first off there was that whole shebang about that hosehbo girl or whatever, and now there's this 12 year old chica who's stepping up to say that she too, has given her mother the old one-two.

here's a friendly suggestion. instead of typing about your truly childish misadventures, putting it on facebook, then getting all upset about people telling you off (and rightfully so, i might add.),

HOW ABOUT YOU GROW THE FUCK UP AND LEARN HOW TO READ AND SPELL.

on 14 year olds who dress like bloody prostitutes, expect people to treat you the way present yourself. what's with you tarting yourself up, sneaking into clubs, then going home to blog in broken english about a man flirting with you? and you have the GALL to be incensed? i'm sorry, but sell some of that ass in the shop window and get yourself a mirror.

finally, about young un's (and some who are not so young.) who claim they blog, learn what's appropriate and what's not. there are writers who put up things that are hard to digest, but are discerning about the words and tone they use. don't be surprised to get flamed if you're posting naked photos of yourself, going around making general derogatory remarks about a majority OR minority group, or just putting up childish nonsense. (like slapping your mom.)

newsflash: YOU'RE NOT COOL.

i know this is probably all old news to local readers here, but i haven't yet had the time to blog about this. just putting it our there to let people know that while ignorance or feigning it is a goddamn cult in singapore, i really don't want to just let it go like that. as a person who takes pride in being capable of good english, just let me say this:

ladies of all ages, listen up. if you don't understand the gravity of your words, don't use them. if you don't want to get told off for being inconsiderate, be careful with what you say. in this current age of technology, everything and everyone is accessible so i hope you get that some things are better left unsaid. hurting someone may be unintentional, but it could happen. you may choose your actions but not your consequences, because no one is exception to the law of cause and effect. if you're gonna say shit, expect to feel fucked up about it later and don't you dare get angry about it. these are good people who give a shit about the dump our society is turning into because of people like you. unless your rantings/musings/inane bullshit is meant to garner negative attention to begin with, then a congratulations in advance is due. you'll probably get what you wished for.

thank you.

never enough time.

met with BAK and started the yesterday out with him at PS Cafe at harding road. some bites and three glasses later, bak went home and i proceeded to PS Cafe at palais (yes it was a day for visiting.) to down a glass of champers. huang was there and she comped me the alcoholic beverage, but when i went to thank her and say hi, she was just as always, outrageously rude. ohh well.

hung out with RUSSLY and JBS at the dodge bar in the basement of ming arcade for a bit and when 10 rolled around, i was pretty smashed up. decided to head home, but surprise surprise, got a call from tee and we decided to meet up. told him exactly what i thought about him and i suppose all in all, it went well. shall not elaborate, but will say it ended amicably and all is not lost.

got home around 12 30 and contemplated the true meaning of love. i used to be pretty sure of the definition but it now all seems so abstract. be it with someone who is convinced he loves me, or someone i have feelings for, the innocence of playful courtship have gone together with my secondary school days. like everybody else i know, i end up second guessing the next person's intentions. which brings me to the next question of what happiness is, or rather, if i will ever get to experience it, and if i do, would i know?

my life has been sectioned off, categorically defined by who i spent that time with. i wonder if any of those men remember me and how. if we were still together, would we have been happy?

and random thoughts like that filled my head, it was only when i remembered what it is always like in the beginning that i stopped feeling sorry for myself. i suppose everyone has their days and whatnot, but i absolutely refuse to continue moping. besides, i have had my moments of extreme happiness. problem is, at this point it's just hard to keep them close. reminiscing is more than recreation, it can also be a tool for comfort. now that i have come across this revelation, i'm spreading the love. happiness, however fleeting, is meant to be held close and dear. i wont waste time being sad anymore, i promise.

live long and prosper!

for all the boys i've helped mother.

just the right amount of awkward.

just struck me how ironic it was that my ex just said how it was impossible it was for us to be platonic friends, now that i've decided to basically let him go.

who's to stay and go, really. i suppose it's not really ours to decide, is it?

either way, the night saw way much more excitement than that. drinks from 6 30 onwards, i was almost properly drunk before i got to clarke quay. made a proper fool of myself, exactly the way people at clarke quay are supposed to. :D

update on the to-do-list, nothing as been done, as expected. yes am still stalking the korean sex god and quite obviously have not gotten over the ex. le sigh, fml indeed.

love.

it's never been easy to leave an unanswered question hanging. at least not for me. from the time i was 4 till now, it's been a part of my nature to ask, question, revisit, and dig. lecturers never liked me very much, but mostly because (i presume), they think my queries are too frequent and annoying. didn't matter, since i discovered google.

tonight saw me frolicking amongst strangers, good looking ones i might add. but all in all a most uneventful night.

of course, there was the meeting up with jbs and russly, two founding members of the very first chips gang. but then, as always, we drifted apart, mostly my fault i must say. but i had more than one place to be, as bloody usual.

went to le noir, where i usually make my weekly appearance, saw some old and new friends and was completely at home. then decided to go to bloody golden mile to meet seanie, whom i love with all heart and soul but not enough for me to go to GM.. only i realized that too fucking late.

the girls were on stage, seanie insisted on buying drinks for this particular girl that was fucking hideous and with not a very nice personality either. le sighh. we love each other too much to let go darling, why immigrate?!

anyway, moving on. left me to wander off myself, which eventually made me get into my own cab to send me home. for some reason, it left me thinking of how fragile relationships can be. not just between boyfriend and girlfriend, mind you, but even friendships, kinship, and a day to day acquaintance. how they can make a difference.

seanie is leaving singapore for good and that makes me wonder how much i'll bloody miss him. i've lost a lot of friends the last few years, but none compares to the the bleeding bond seanie and i share.

ANYWAY, beer, flowers, girls, kisses and hugs aside bb, i want you to know that you're one of a kind, and i'll never be able to find a replacement for you. i will always love you, regardless of where you are, xxx. for you:

maybe, is a viscious little word that could slay me.

so last night was a mix of confusing events. plans never turn out the way they're supposed to, no? growing pains were never meant to be this exaggerated. feeling like shit at the moment, but really that doesn't help anything.

alcoholics anon meeting tonight. we'll see if any of this was worth anything at all. prediction: i come home from the meeting tonight feeling more like hell than i already do.

on addictions and the pains they cause, i realized that it can all be summarized in three little words: JUST. CAN'T. STOP.

and not just to alcohol, also to the addictions of the heart. but then again, i won't say im sorry.

poor slob without a name.

to all who don't already know, i, sarah t, has been trying to quit drinking. granted, the total abstinence has not won, but it cannot be denied that my intake has been cut down.. DRASTICALLY. trying to quit an addiction seems more painful than anything else in the world, does it not?

i for one, should know about this particular kind of pain. i've had more than my fair share of going cold turkey, more than most i know anyway. drugs, for one. smoking (at one point), and now drinking. not to mention the addiction to relationships that i don't think i'll ever be able to give up.

today i had a conversation with tee. it lasted just over a minute, i should think. but to me it seemed the most enjoyable minute of my life. bear with me folks, i know by now you guys should be sick and tired of me revisiting this particular relationship, but at this point i really can't help it.

first, anticipation of his reaction, disappointment that he already so soon has forgotten my name, happiness that he was at very least civil, bitterness that our brief conversation was over, and nauseatingly, love, reminiscing about all that we've had and lost.

question:

is it entirely possible that physical addictions are easier to give up because your body is relying on them, and not your heart?

technically, moods and emotions are caused by chemical changes in one's body, and therefore makes heartaches a physical reaction. why is it though, that we can't simply direct our passions to another source? although heartaches are called just that, this particular organ has nothing to do with it, no?

le sigh.
am very,
very confused.

to be honest, i don't really care about the answers to all these questions. though curious by nature, i have never been one to ask these things because i do believe in love. or did. i don't know anymore. it's just.. talking to him today made me miss being in a relationship with him. is that even true? maybe it's just the companionship i want, but who's to know?

all in all, it's been a horrible year, and i've been trying my hardest to turn it around. it's just, seeing how i've got nothing to be happy about, only makes it more obvious my efforts have not been paying off. looking optimistic has suddenly become very hard and it sometimes feels like this is my only outlet.

so thanks to blogger, i guess, for listening and being one of the remaining faithful friends i'm proud to have. god knows there aren't too many of you left.

hell, if you want something done right, you just do it yourself.

the road to recovery is never really as easy as people make it sound aye. nonetheless it's a road we all must take at one point in our lives or another, so why wait?

revelations that stem from advice is never new, but the difference between the two somehow always seems to be the one giving it. thus far, i have failed to see that i don't deserve to be treated like some hand-me-down. here, is where i've ended up.

confidence has always been once of my strongest traits, and often the cause of my downfall. whatever happens in between.. well that's another story. two months ago when my parents learned of what was transpiring between tee and i, they uged me to quit. i was so cock-sure that the place i was was where i was meant to be that i told them there was no need to worry. sooner or later, the work and stress would pay off. obviously i couldn't be more wrong. also, it was the confidence that i would never again be stuck in this awkward predicament that i stubbornly refused to plan an escape route. well.

so boys and girls, today (at this ungodly hour) i am pleased to inform you that i have identified the problem and come up with a screening process for all the decisions i am making and will have to make in the future. topic: end goal.

we all know what the secret to success is. believe in yourself, and others will believe in you. of course, a wide network, good attitude, the right aptitude, charisma, and talent are also crucial ingredients. plus being naturally good looking never hurt anyone.

the most important of all, though, is direction. everything should have a time, place and purpose. i've forgotten that.

chasing paper and getting by is the concept that most singaporeans are familiar with. but i am sick and tired of this routine. most of all, i am sick of this blind confidence in people, including myself, that has gotten me absofuckingly nowhere.

i'm breaking out of this mold. from now on, everything i do will be deliberate. i will not be swayed and i will not subject myself to whim any longer. or god help me, my name isn't sarah.

trouble sleeping.

jaded, not to say i'm giving up.

andrew was right, i don't know what it is that i want. i've always thought i did, but in light of recent events, the truth has become so obvious, even i can't ignore it.

too young, he says. i refuse to believe that's the cause for my confusion. if this were so, i'd still be farting around doing nothing with my life and living off my parents no? i'd like to think it's not due to youth, but more a personal choice that i've made to blind myself to some of my faults and my immaturity has told me that people adapting to my personality is the way it should be.

tee and i were having the first real conversation in a week on friday. i'm ashamed to say that this is exactly what i've accused him of. not contributing emotionally to this relationship (or whatever the hell it's supposed to be.), he thinks that accommodation on my part is all the love we need. in turn, it's turned me resentful toward the fact that i'm the only one giving in, and he's doing fuck all. no wait, behaving like the cats he hates. taking and not giving anything back.

so the question really is, what now? while it's become pretty much obvious that tee and i can't continue the way we are because it threatens both out professional and personal relationship, i really hate thinking about what it would be like without him around at all.

ahh decisions, decisions. it really gets to me, how they're usually not mine to be made.

disappointment's my new thing, i suppose.

having no expectations of a relationship has served me well over the years. for obvious reasons. for those who are to dense, i really am not going to bother.

having no expectations of a relationship, however, has not prepared me to deal with the crushing defeat of disappointment when you realize that someone you love manages to supersede the unthinkable: when they disappoint you beyond belief, and instead of trying to endeavor themselves to you, they go to the other extreme.

i've never understood men. or rather, to be fair, the men i have dated. why journey to the extremes? i've met men too nice, too much of a jackass, too smart, too himbotic, too handsome, too hideous, too snobbish, too much of a pushover and so on. why doesn't anyone settle for normal anymore?

honestly i'm starting to think that maybe i'm the problem. maybe the problem with me is that i don't have a problem with anything. maybe it's because i keep my hopes to myself and the expectations of the shelf. maybe it's because i don't have a checklist.

that's right boys, THE checklist.

you've heard it before i'm sure. the infamous list, the only one apart from schindler's that has got every girl obsessed. considered the woman's greatest essential, and the man's biggest enemy, the list determines, apparently, the happiness of people everywhere.

i, am somewhat an exception, i suspect, as i have but one criterion.

that i be loved for who i am, by someone capable of loving only me.

that and good sex. that's very important. oh and respect-slash-honesty as well. can't forget to throw that in.

okayy so three things. (i still think i make the exception though. most girls i know could publish theirs in volumes.) anyway, is that too much to ask? correct me if i'm wrong, but aren't these the fundamentals of any relationship?

if today is anything to go by, given what i've seen, i may as well have been educated by chimpanzees on the book of love. bahh. i sound pretty calm for someone who feels so humiliated, no?

much as realize the mockery at my expense, i can't help but feel somewhat relieved that i know. there is resentment, yes, but not toward whom you'd expect, and there is disappointment, also not for the reasons you suspect.

fiery words in fluctuating volumes were exchanged this afternoon, as well as arguments of the lesser evils. reasons were given, and excuses bought and swallowed. i guess when all's been said and done, i had to ask myself, how far i was willing to bend back for the sake of someone i'd die for.

lesser evil?

suppose that's where i got my answer.

if you are reading this, forgive me. i swear i will never speak of this again.

youth is wasted on the young.

on road to recovery at the moment and im feeling slightly more bouyant of late.

tee and i had a nice chat last night and we talked some of our insecurities through. it struck me for the very first time that not everyone looks at some things the way i do.

"do you ever feel like you don't know what i'm thinking?"

of course i do. for example, i don't know what the hell was running through your mind when you told me about what happened with the big jay expected me not to be upset. even more so, i don't know what possessed you to tell me that i wasn't helping the situation and let you handle it. i don't suppose you figured how you could possibly have hurt my feelings.

so when you asked this question yesterday, and this ran through my mind before i answered, it somehow clicked that it really doesn't matter. like you didn't know you'd hurt me, i didn't know what you were thinking of when you said what you did.

i've decided it doesn't really matter if you don't know what gets processed under this skull of mine all the time and vice versa. what i really care about it how we work out after that. after all what is most important is that we are where we are, isn't it?

and that, my dear, is what i meant by what i said. :]

on love and other things.

hello all it's been awhile.

so stopped working at humerstons, and am currently with pactum. business development manager. imagine that!

anyways, work has been hectic, so excuze moi. really, i've been having trouble finding time for anything else of late. everyone here is a dear though, which makes up for a lot.

on to other things, randall and i are no more, for those who've not been keeping up. but remorse and regret is the least of my worries right now and quite honestly the last thing on my mind. of course, i'm not belittling or discounting any part of the brief relationship we shared, but it will do no good, i realised, to border on the same subject day in and day out.

troubles other than the failed attempt at a relationship between two very different people have surfaced and these are very tangible and real. in all honesty, i can say for the first time in awhile, i'm afraid. shockingly, not of what the future may hold, but the present which threatens everything i have worked for.

(scandal if you are reading this, you know what i'm talking about.)

advice and chastising can wait for now. all i want is to work my balls off for the rewards i know are just around the bend. not to waste my time on the tragedy of my past, but to focus on what's beyond the horizon. i deserve this, i know.

either way, forgive me for however cold i may seem, but i need this. to cleanse my life of the debris clogging up my mind and emotions. i need this break, and i have since decided i will not let anyone stand in my way, including myself.

suddenly i need a beer. hahaa, apparently, my liver is the one part of me that's beyond repair anyway.

love to all, i'm about to catch my wave.

age like wine (or cheese).

i'm tired of pretending. i don't need to be liked to feel loved, and i've forgotten that.

i miss the care free existance of my 16 year old self. who knew four or five years could make such a difference?

mellowed is one word for it, and losing your soul another. words have power, and again, something else i've forgotten.

i miss typing about my nonsensical escapades, the existance of an audience regardless. sure, the aftermath of drunken adventures, breathless hellos and sullen goodbyes left much to be desired. but at that point in my life, i can at very least be sure that i was alive.

amidst all the chaos, i found security in myself. the irony is that order in my life just made me lose control of every thing i thought i knew.

birds.

there's no right or wrong answer. it's like an open-ended question and i hate it.

it's not fair because i don't know where to go from here, literally. what else is everyone looking for?

how can i please the people most important to me? go home? and where would i be then?

they're right. there's no way to fit the bill anymore because the expectations keep changing. of course, not just from my parents, but from my friends, my boyfriend and myself. fair isn't what i really need.

it's stability that i need at this point to keep me going.

a place to call home.

& pain.

wizard: what do you want to be most in the world?

august: found.