happy, together.

just being friends and hanging out.

today was one of the better ones this week. spent the first half of the day working and being nine kinds of productive then went to watch the croods with K. i had a nice time.

K, in case any of you are wondering, is someone i've known pretty much since birth, our families being long time friends. we used to go to church together and we never got along. his sister happened to spot me at a club last year and K was with her. just like that, we reconnected through a chance encounter. now a year later, we're getting progressively closer and it's really incredible when you realize how so much can change and how so much stays the same.

it's times like these that i can't help but be amazed at how people can stay with you even when they leave. it's just makes their reappearance in your life all the more impactful. so to friends like K and Su (whose prettiness prefaced this post.), who were pretty much MIA for awhile (okay, a long while.), i'm glad you're back and i'm thankful to have you in my world. you guys know who you are.

also, croods was pretty fucking awesome.

reveal. pretend. love.

returning moments stolen.

i suppose that in instances such as these, when life has bruised you a little,  it's easy to miss what you've never really had. what if is a game best left unplayed, i know, but still.. a time for everything, no?

today finds me melancholic, and somewhat detached from everything. the only passion i have strength for is regret, not that i feel that i have done wrong, but about what i could have done better. not trying to be all emo and hipster, saying random things that translate beautifully on a screen, but i guess we all have these days from time to time. you know the ones i'm talking about, when you listen to sad songs and end up feeling worse, because it's a period of wallowing you're after and not solace, if you're being honest with yourself.

i used to think that it was my inadequecy as a girlfriend that drove most of my previous partners to their ways, and sometimes madness. still i embraced their flaws and never loved them any less for it. arguments tend to present themselves early in most of my relationships because my character is such that i make my thoughts and feelings known so they won't mutate into resentment. still, even as the premise is set in the right tone, emotions distort the intention and its meaning is often misconstrued. terribly cliched as it is, all i wanted was to be loved the same.

the great lesson of today is how i find out how devastating complete disassociation can be. to never get the chance to try one more time to fix something between two people. people say that the opposite of love is hate, but i now realize that disengagement is so much more painful than the aforementioned. i suppose it has to do with channeling energy. disconnection can be so much harder because there's nothing left to hold on to.

open ended.

in my mind, perhaps a product of my own denial, none of this is fair. i don't deserve this and i don't need this drama in my life. mediation earlier in the day has helped me see that sometimes it has nothing to do with being fair, however, and sometimes, life just is. while i'd be lying if i said this wasn't difficult, i do know that it's doable.

solvable.

then again, i have no other option but to try. that much, you've made clear.

bile.

the last few days has seen me thrown into a cesspool of conflicting, confusing emotions. is it weird that i know what i'm doing is right, but in the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach just won't go away?

i suppose it's only human to feel this way. angry, relieved, bitter, liberated, helpless, hopeful, and all that jazz. i don't want to fight it, but just maybe.. my system can't handle this much. should the human heart be the actual hub for emotional activity, i'm pretty sure i would have gone straight into cardiac arrest by now.

still, nothing can be done, people of the internet. nothing can be done.

and we all know that if nothing can be done, simply do.. nothing.

cloches de mariage!

the very very handsome ryan and his gorgeous bride, rachel! t'was a lovely, glamorous event that was enhanced by the incredible company. and by that i mean the whole telco division at st andrew's.


so saturday saw me all decked out in what sheri has decided to dub "the slutty chinese outfit". i for one, see nothing slutty about it. if anything, it's CLASSY, thanks very much. but that's just my opinion of course.


on another note, the boy and i were set to match, like every other cheezy, cliched couple effort. worked for us though hahaa. took a number of photos and i think they turned out quite well. for your viewing pleasure:

with jerry, the boss-man.

totally gatecrashing their team shot.

the men of zyfe.

drunks of the round table.

during the course of the night, watched the tear-jearking montage of the wedding couple's earlier years. the adorable photos brought to mind the numerous weddings i have attended in the past, how they are always more or less similar. while i've always envisioned that i'd age gracefully and alone, i kind of pictured that should i ever get married, it would be something a little less like the traditional singaporean chinese wedding.

hence the little outburst of laughter when i remembered cheng's slightly racist joke. as the boyfriend is malay (void decks apparently being the favored location for a wedding), and i am chinese (hotel ballrooms being ours), in the event of a proposal, cheng predicts we reach the compromise of being wed in a hotel lobby.

amusing, but no.

the food was alright, even though i got chided for indulging in ngoh hiang, a traditional chinese meat roll that includes pork. most of my meal consisted of alcohol, which any member of my family would tell you, is pretty much the norm. cigarette breaks also served to break up the session of pure gluttony, which is good.

should the boyfriend and i progress to that stage in our relationship, i'm going to make a terrible muslim.

ahh well, another worry for another day. most importantly,

dayum we look good together.

with words.

hello all, it's been awhile. also, forgive the odd hour. have a bit too much on my mind to go to bed and drift off to a fitful few hours, hence my presence here. and when i'm here at this ungodly hour, we all know a rant is in order.

first off, the job front isn't looking too good. while sales and marketing has always been a passion i always envisioned myself pursuing long-term, i really don't see how it's going anyfuckingwhere at the present moment.

which is driving me absolutely INSANE.

to begin with, as i have explained to my very patient seniors, i do not understand why i'm not doing as well as we all hoped here. i'm smart, eloquent, decent looking and i have a knack for getting strangers to like me. why i'm not highrolling is utterly beyond my comprehension. aforementioned seniors have chided me, saying it's not always what you say, but how you say it. i completely agree, perhaps it's my delivery of the message that's a problem. but it really shouldn't be THIS hard to rectify, should it?

mon dieu.

second, things at home are getting crazy and yes, boys and girls, another stretch away from home is in the making. so see, it's perfectly understandable that i'm feeling uptight and snappy, no? apart from the obvious deprivation of funds to support my needs and wants, comes the never ending migraine called rent.

as if that's not enough, singtel has been being a cunt and my phone bills have, for some unknown reason, decided to sky rocket.

problems are easy to fix on a short term front, but in the long run, the solutions themselves are bound to affect me negatively as well. so here's the dilemma, the fast fix, or the highway to hell? because let's face it, i'm going there either way.

through this all, i have to say there has been one last remaining comfort i have to lean on. the boyfriend has been incredibly supportive and is steadfastly determined to keep me happy and safe. so in his case, recognition is due and is now rightfully given.

"it's not about how you feel about him,

it's how he makes you feel about yourself that matters most."

and i've said, you make me want to be a better person. thank you baby, for things you don't even know you do that change me.
iloveyou.

and this makes 70.

so today started out with a conversation with ZKF over the phone at 11 30. due to me still all a-slumber, the memory of exactly what transpired during the length of the short exchange is somewhat blurred. fret not, as i later recalled that the dear boy had called to make plans for the day and to town it was.

(excuse the ah lian-ness of it all, but photos or it didn't happen, right?)

we met at tampines then headed off to town in search of shirts, pants and shoes. of course, because we are what we are (easily distracted), a major detour was caused by: a short gaming session, 5 dollar cups of fries, 400 grams of famous amos cookies, a bottled whiskey soda, and a hilarious discussion about the color of garbage bags. by the time the knights assembled, boy and i decided we had better get the show on the road and get started with our treasure hunt. hence, the departure, and the marathon began.

yes. marathon. i shit you not. we were hunting a grand total of 2 bloody hours before the first goddamn purchase. everyone who knows me is aware of the fact that i, sarah tan xin yi, hate shopping with a vengeance. however, today was exceptional and i am not one to refrain from making allowances.

hours of walking around, holding hands and sneaking kisses were the focal point of our hike and to be completely honest, i really enjoyed it. from cineleisure, we journeyed to somerset 313, to paragon, to ion and finally wound up at far east for the highlight of the day.

in total relevence to the title of this post, i hereby announce that i have just repierced my tongue. according to melvin, the gentleman who did the deed, i should avoid oral sex, french kissing and seafood for a month.

(unglam, but proves the stud is where it should be.)

WHAT? NO SEAFOOD?
sweet jesus mother of nancy.

concluded the day with dinner at 9 pm, had soup (resulting in current fits of uncontrollable HUNGER) because the tongue was, and is, for some reason swollen and hurting like a camel just stepped on it. i say this because there was hardly any pain the first three times, so the discomfort is pretty new.

ohh well.

to summarize, the day has been nothing short of spectacular. a great way to spend the off day and like i've been reassuring you readers in my previous posts, i really have never been happier.

(just because we're the cutest couple.)

to zee:

thank you for everything, and i hope you know the impact you have on me. like i've said before, as far as feelings go, nothing matters, save for the love we share now. cheesy as it is, i really do mean every word of it when i say you're zymazing and i can't imagine my life without you anymore. regardless of the idiotic things i say or do on occasion, which are completely unintentional, i hope you know that all that i really care about is you and how i can make you happy. forgive me for being the little stupid i am, and let's make this work.

ps: i'm really glad i could change your mind zymmie. xxx

pull your little arrows out.

according, to AARON TAN, one of the youtube "sensations" to grace our beloved international video sharing platform, i am very very pretty. not that i disagree, mind you, but the stroking of the my picture on his screen is tres disturbing. needless to say, the boyfr is not amused, feels rather disgusted, and is making death threats under his breath over the phone. (all in jest of course, fret not!)

assuming you want to know what all the hooplah is about, you are, of course, provided the option of fast-forwarding to the 9th minute if you, like me, cannot stand his nonsensical rantings in no particular language at all. (ask on the tagboard should you require translations.) i have to add that this is purely coincidental and was through no fault of mine. i do not know this guy at all, and quite frankly, have no intention of ever having the pleasure of declining his extension of friendship. hopefully the boy leaves me well alone.

at this juncture i have no idea whether to feel greatly flattered or just plain mortified. like the sister suggests though, shall just "take a ride on the fame train". wonder how long THIS will last then.

stay tuned for updates, as always. should the lord be kind, perhaps you folks will have the privilege of viewing my virgin video post!

sexy and we know it.

hello all. meet ZKF, my man.

there isn't really much to say, except that i am blissfully happy and fully intend on staying that way. i'd share more, but out of fear that i will thereby cause uncontrollable bouts of projectile vomiting, i shall refrain.

more soon!

shallow pools and puddles.

work is going great, along with other things. if you're accessing this page via facebook you'd probably have noticed the status update prior to this link. for those of you who have no idea what im talking about, it goes like this.

"so the cat's out of the bag. that is, of course, assuming it was ever in there in the first place."

apparently, the whole world knows that im seeing someone at the mo. while the situation is precarious, i have to admit it's a huge fucking relief. everyone who knows me am aware that i positively ABHOR keeping bloody secrets. you won't believe how stressed out i was during the course of this ordeal.

on another note, i am utterly devastated. according to z, my blog is tres boring. how can this be? i am ONLY the most amusing and interesting person i know! le sighh, i cannot believe that i am, of all things, BORING.

to remedy this, im going to ask for suggestions from readers of this blog for topics. tell me what you want my opinion on and i'll gladly oblige. tagboard, as always, is open.

till next! xx

maintaining radio silence.

hello all, apologies for the absence.

this calls for a quick rundown of what has happened since i've last blogged, no? since the 2nd of january, i have gotten a fulfilling job, found a new family of colleagues, partied and fallen in love. quite simply put, an interesting 3 weeks have passed and i've never been so at home in a long long while.

to all those who have been wondering how the book is coming along, i regret to inform you that i haven't been as diligent as i first imagined i would be. a bit of leeway, however, is in order as my working hours have since been extended to a full 14 hours a day. the days are long and the nights are longer, hence i do expect your sympathy. not to worry too much though. i've been writing less, but regardless, i am more or less on track to finishing by may, and hopefully publishing by july! (yayy me.)

on another note, apart from the usual bossa nova and jazz, i've been listening to a lot of dubstep of late. not one of the usual suspects, but i have to admit i'm enjoying it an awful lot. must be the influence.

DUBSTEPISWUBWUBWUB.

anyways, enough for now. more tomorrow after work, promise. xx

the unconventional sort.

so i haven't been diligently blogging of late, and i hope you will all excuse me. nothing much has been going on and i haven't been out much on account of the mumps. jack's swollen saliva glands, to you fight club fans.

it will please you all to know that i have completed THE LIST, with the sole exception of watching scarface. on to the next, i've been getting questions regarding my resolutions for the year. many of my friends are quitting their vices, smoking, drinking and so on. however, these are the things that i, at this particular juncture in my life anyway, cannot imagine living without. so instead of making my own checklist of things i will not do, here are some of the things i pledge to do more this year.

• speak french
• look up old friends
• make new friends
• hang out with old and new friends
• work
• laugh
• live

straightforward it may all seem to you, but in my experience, this already is a tall order. in the past year, i have not lived up to my expectations and as a result am feeling pretty shitty. i suppose a change in this aspect will do me good.

as you all know, i haven't been in a relationship since tee, which marks the three month mark. friends and family know, this is groundbreaking news, and i have reached a milestone that hasn't been close to approached since i discovered the joys of physical and emotional intimacy since i was 11. still, this is also, i have to admit, a nice change of scenery. it feels awesome ushering in the new year with no exccess baggage, because lord knows, i've had enough to carry in 2011.

so even though new years have never been a big thing for me, here's to 2012, a fresh beginning. may the world not end, and us all be happy. till next!

every door i tried, was locked.

so, it's back to work on the 2nd of january. what with it being just a bit before christmas, it seems so far away. unfortunately i know from experience it's gonna close in sooner or later.

quick reflection of 2011, as it has been so far:

on the job front, three different fucked up jobs, three different fucked up employers, enough said.
on relationships, a sad ending, a beautiful beginning, a hasty departure, a bitter heartbreak, leaving a very confused girl. jaded, and unlike the last time the word has been used in this blog, i swear i'm on the verge of giving up.
on other things, a near complete waste of what could have otherwise been a productive year. sadly, what with the afore mentioned that i had to work with, it left too little of me to do much else.

although this has obviously proved to have been a turd of a year, the french is coming along nicely. i have now attained the fluency equivalent to that of a french toddler. which is still something, isn't it.

well, so ONE good thing. something to be thankful for after all i suppose.

sarah, clara and camels.

and insanity strikes again!

tuesday saw me being reminded that sometimes i forget my place. even though good intentions may exist, it doesn't necessarily guarantee the results hoped for. i may very well have pissed off a good friend of mine, but i suppose that when we have been hanging out together this long, a spat here and there is inevitable. of course, this means a cool down period is in the pipelines. le sigh, no chips for awhile then. i suppose i could live with that.

another thing, most of my friends would know by now that i have only just recently sworn off men, and have no intention of revoking that any time soon. however, as always, circumstances just are and ohh well, i may very well be on my way to falling flat on my face again.

l'amore, l'amore. you know, just for once though, i don't want to get together with someone just to have them break my heart again. then again, it's impossible to predict where this will lead me and for all i know.. MAYBE, i'll be happy for longer than a few months.

officially addicted, then.

on to other things, shall be attempting so fix the bloody blinds on my window. i've had it with the stupid translucent panels. it's driving me crazy. also, shall be putting up cork boards in room. desired result is not compulsory, because anything would be better than this hahaa.

apologies for going all over the place with this. i suppose it's a reflection of my current state of mind.

till the next update, x!

houston, we have a problem.

i love reading aunt agony letters, because i adore pretending to be an expert advice giver. though i never made a profession of revealing the core of their problems and telling them where to put it, many of my friends will tell you i dispense the greatest advice ever in the history of great advice.

here's one that i came across on the net. i felt a need to add on my two cents worth so.

yahoo! news, abigail van buren, tuesday - november 15th 2011

(someone who is harried and has cancer:)
DEAR ABBY:

I have been battling breast cancer and have been blessed to have a lot of support from family, friends and some awesome medical providers. My husband's best friend and his wife socialize with us quite often, and the friendship is important to him. I recently celebrated a birthday and these friends had us over for a belated birthday dinner. They bought me beautiful flowers and a gift. The card attached made a joke about my "aging breasts," which she found quite funny.

Abby, I had a mastectomy, which she knew about! To make matters worse, my hair has just started to grow back from the chemo, so I decided to have some highlights put in, and she told me she didn't like my new hair.

I am hurt and dumbfounded by her insensitive behavior. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time she has said things like this. How do I tell her I'm offended by her rudeness without compromising my husband's friendship with them? -- HARRIED FRIEND

(what abby said in response:)
DEAR HARRIED FRIEND:

You nailed it. The woman is insensitive -- but you said she has also made tasteless comments in the past. For the sake of the friendship between your husbands, tune her out and spend less time with her one-on-one. It's OK to tell her that her joke about your "aging breasts" hurt your feelings in light of your mastectomy, and that as your hair is growing back you thought you'd like to try something "different." However, if you use the word "offended" she'll probably become defensive, so avoid that word.

A final thought: Most people are terrified of cancer. People sometimes try to make jokes about things that make them uncomfortable in an effort to diffuse those feelings. This may be the reason the woman tried to joke about it, so don't let it cause you to carry a grudge.

(what i would have said:)
DEAR HARRIED PERSON:

this may come off as harsh, but woman, grow a pair. or a spine. bitch gotta recognize, man!

first off, she must think she's hilarious, so use humor as your weapon. for example, in retaliation to her knee-slapping aging breasts joke, you could say "well i had a mastectomy, what's your excuse?". in my opinion, such a response is not only witty, but also warranted. about what she said with regards to your 'do, your hair is your business and she shouldn't be in it. tell her so and don't be afraid of offending her. she certainly didn't care whether or not she did you. should her husband, or yours for that matter, have anything to say about it, you may feel free to smack them around a little then throw their sorry, soggy asses out on the street.

my dear lady, you had breast cancer. you're defo better than this woman and there is no reason for letting her push you around. you have a loving network of friends and family who have watched you survive chemo, so how would they feel if they saw you cheat death only so you could be this bitch's doormat? the way i see it, giving her a taste of her own bloody medicine is not just standing up for yourself. it is also giving credit to the people who care about you, and ultimately, for her own good as well.

abby thinks that most people are terrified of cancer. i'd say that's horseshit. EVERYONE, is terrified of cancer, and rightfully so. you have a lot of inner strength overcoming that hurdle love, and if this friend of yours can't respect that, she can jolly well FUCK OFF.

AND THERE'S PROOF.

sing a song with you.

it's been about a week since i last blogged. have you loyal readers missed my nonsensical rantings?

just a quick update for now. i have since gotten a job, so that can be scratched off the to do list. the wardrobe remains untouched, but as consolation, the last item on that particular list can be taken off now!

also, have been going out fairly regularly, but i noticed my consumption of alcohol and cigarettes have been cut down dramatically. strange, since i expected the stats to rise in conjunction with the increasing number of outings. ohh well. presenting THE LIST!

• to get a JOB.
• to sort out self. (somewhat, anyway.)
  
• clean desk.
• re-colour-code wardrobe.
• get down to putting up corkboards in room.
• install bloody blinds on window looking out into living room.
  
• to slow down on the alcohol intake.
• ditto for the cigarettes.
  
• to finish my book.
• to finish reading everything in my house twice.
• to stop checking emails every 15 minutes.
• quit the facebook addiction.
• quit stalking kim hyun joong (the one and only korean sex god.) online.
• quit stalking ANYONE online.
• watch scarface.
• and all my favourite classics.
• revisit old blog and fish out sexy lines, if any.
  
• getting over tee.
  

aren't you guys proud of me? :D

beer now, more later! xx

never enough time.

met with BAK and started the yesterday out with him at PS Cafe at harding road. some bites and three glasses later, bak went home and i proceeded to PS Cafe at palais (yes it was a day for visiting.) to down a glass of champers. huang was there and she comped me the alcoholic beverage, but when i went to thank her and say hi, she was just as always, outrageously rude. ohh well.

hung out with RUSSLY and JBS at the dodge bar in the basement of ming arcade for a bit and when 10 rolled around, i was pretty smashed up. decided to head home, but surprise surprise, got a call from tee and we decided to meet up. told him exactly what i thought about him and i suppose all in all, it went well. shall not elaborate, but will say it ended amicably and all is not lost.

got home around 12 30 and contemplated the true meaning of love. i used to be pretty sure of the definition but it now all seems so abstract. be it with someone who is convinced he loves me, or someone i have feelings for, the innocence of playful courtship have gone together with my secondary school days. like everybody else i know, i end up second guessing the next person's intentions. which brings me to the next question of what happiness is, or rather, if i will ever get to experience it, and if i do, would i know?

my life has been sectioned off, categorically defined by who i spent that time with. i wonder if any of those men remember me and how. if we were still together, would we have been happy?

and random thoughts like that filled my head, it was only when i remembered what it is always like in the beginning that i stopped feeling sorry for myself. i suppose everyone has their days and whatnot, but i absolutely refuse to continue moping. besides, i have had my moments of extreme happiness. problem is, at this point it's just hard to keep them close. reminiscing is more than recreation, it can also be a tool for comfort. now that i have come across this revelation, i'm spreading the love. happiness, however fleeting, is meant to be held close and dear. i wont waste time being sad anymore, i promise.

live long and prosper!

for all the boys i've helped mother.

things.

im getting quite sick of your constant pulling and pushing. you show moments of sincerity, then complete indifference the next second. you ask me out, then spend time telling me about someone else you're seeing. you say you understand what i went through with you but you behave as if i should be the one apologizing. it's not funny anymore tee.

so what if i still have feelings leftover from what would be our pathetic little romance? i'm only normal and have emotions, but it doesn't give you the right to treat me like crap. i've accepted that i'll just end up being number 39 to you, but there's limit to what i would allow someone to do to me and being your bloody plaything is defo not what i authorized.

like i said, regardless of how i feel about you at the present moment, i have made the decision to move on and in this, i will, doubtless, succeed.

get THAT into your head, you pompous, stubborn, egoistical, genius, millionaire, playboy jerk.

just the right amount of awkward.

just struck me how ironic it was that my ex just said how it was impossible it was for us to be platonic friends, now that i've decided to basically let him go.

who's to stay and go, really. i suppose it's not really ours to decide, is it?

either way, the night saw way much more excitement than that. drinks from 6 30 onwards, i was almost properly drunk before i got to clarke quay. made a proper fool of myself, exactly the way people at clarke quay are supposed to. :D

update on the to-do-list, nothing as been done, as expected. yes am still stalking the korean sex god and quite obviously have not gotten over the ex. le sigh, fml indeed.

such a heavenly way to die.

perfect for a dreary afternoon with a book. still, there's a slight tinge of melancholic electricity in the air, and how it got there i don't know. perhaps the rain, because like most of the people i know, i've forgotten how to dance in it.

if, like the song suggests, that all i want to do is to be with someone, i'm probably doomed for misery. but on the off chance that i do find someone to love me this way and vice versa, i suppose that would be nice. however, like i wrote last night, not likey to happen anytime soon.

besides, assuming i don't find that someone till a double decker bus crashes into us, i may have more time to bargain with that i thought. it offers little comfort, but today, i'll take what i can get.

the long awaited to-do-list will be up later today, if for no one else's perusal, my own. till then!