i regret nothing.

hello everyone just stopping by to let everyone know i'm still alive and well. haven't been writing here as the last two weeks have been busy with my moving out of the house and getting my life sorted. of course, apart from all that's been going on, there is always a life lesson that comes as a side dish.

i suppose the worst part of this disaster is dealing with the rude shock that your friends aren't necessarily going to be there for you when you need them. the ones who are, though, are few but infinitely more value-adding than all those who are not put together.

to my friends, eva, blairkins, stuart, stew, krys, han, mohawk, mitchers, and basically anyone who bothered to hang out, call or just ask if i was doing okayy, thank you. i needed the comfort of friendship just so i didn't feel alone, and you guys didn't disappoint.

SO MUCH LOVE FOR ALL OF YOU.

if you call me home.

every once in awhile, you learn that you can be wrong about someone. someone you thought you knew everything about, has changed. and maybe, things will be better. change has it's consistency today, as it had yesterday, and will have tomorrow.

words have power, just as they can come to naught.. but maybe just tonight, i'm too young, too tired for games. shall be happy and content, and live in the moment. complications are overrated anyway.

to family, friends, and romance.

but i'm not done with the night.

with every new year, comes a tide of people making resolutions armed with confidence that they will abide by them. reflection on the past year and the analysis of time spent well and wasted is more the norm for me, however.

the last year has proved surprisingly fruitful in it's own way. while i won't delve into the details, i will say that it's the best one i've had in recent years.

so to 2013, i say this:

BRING THE RAIN.

bring on the harrowing days, sleepless nights, heartache, tears and the sweetness of success. the daily struggles will be battles that the better part of me will sometimes lose, but i will win this war against my weaknesses and fear. i will try my hardest to be happy here on out, no other resolutions necessary.

much love to everyone in my life that made this year that much more special. thank you for being uniquely you because without you i wouldn't be me. may all of you find joy this year and be as blessed as you have blessed me. you know who you are.

xxx

brave,

was awesome.

that is all.

When it gets so be a little too much.

Today sees me in a somewhat melancholic state. Thank goodness for small wonders like the boyfriend's kindness, the bad dialog in Michael Jackson's music videos, a sister's loving support, and the silence of an afternoon's reflection.

While the days of late seem to be the worst ever, I suppose that events such as these are the ones that determine who we become. Read on Facebook that when life seems determined to crush you and you wonder where god is, remember that the teacher is always quiet during the test. Obviously, I'm not the religious sort, but it stuck me that there is always something you learn from the experiences and trials we endure.

Really does remind me that even when I'm falling apart at the seams, there are the still things to be so grateful for. To all the people in my life, thank you for the quiet support you offer, whether you know it or not. As for me, rest assured I won't be defeated by what seems too much to handle. To quote Joey "you are my Everest.". While i am aware that he was saying that to a cooked thanksgiving turkey, the message still applies.

slowly, seeping from the bone.

the blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. the mean reds are horrible. suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. do you ever get that feeling?

- holly golightly

(breakfast at tiffany's)

had a fight with my mom today, which is never ideal. i suppose today is just one of those days. drab, flat. nothing sits right, my hair is annoying the living hell out of me, and i feel like gross-sobbing for no reason at all.
 
there are, however several things that make me feel better. coffee & cigarettes, soundtracks from the musical CHICAGO, and probably most surprising or all, stacy's blog.

while i'm usually never in the mood to feel inferior in terms of writing flair, the comfort her words give me is immeasurable. on days such as these, i sometimes think her mind is really the best place to be. it's almost like escaping into another personality, running away from here; wherever here is.

(PART OF) TODAY'S PLAYLIST:

tegan and sara - love type thing

kings of leon - pyro

cary brothers - blue eyes

the white stripes - walking with a ghost

bon iver - skinny love

feist - moon my man

coldplay - a hopeful transmission

john mayer - neon

temper trap - resurrection

M83 - we own the sky

junkie xl - broken

to healing, maybe.

with words.

hello all, it's been awhile. also, forgive the odd hour. have a bit too much on my mind to go to bed and drift off to a fitful few hours, hence my presence here. and when i'm here at this ungodly hour, we all know a rant is in order.

first off, the job front isn't looking too good. while sales and marketing has always been a passion i always envisioned myself pursuing long-term, i really don't see how it's going anyfuckingwhere at the present moment.

which is driving me absolutely INSANE.

to begin with, as i have explained to my very patient seniors, i do not understand why i'm not doing as well as we all hoped here. i'm smart, eloquent, decent looking and i have a knack for getting strangers to like me. why i'm not highrolling is utterly beyond my comprehension. aforementioned seniors have chided me, saying it's not always what you say, but how you say it. i completely agree, perhaps it's my delivery of the message that's a problem. but it really shouldn't be THIS hard to rectify, should it?

mon dieu.

second, things at home are getting crazy and yes, boys and girls, another stretch away from home is in the making. so see, it's perfectly understandable that i'm feeling uptight and snappy, no? apart from the obvious deprivation of funds to support my needs and wants, comes the never ending migraine called rent.

as if that's not enough, singtel has been being a cunt and my phone bills have, for some unknown reason, decided to sky rocket.

problems are easy to fix on a short term front, but in the long run, the solutions themselves are bound to affect me negatively as well. so here's the dilemma, the fast fix, or the highway to hell? because let's face it, i'm going there either way.

through this all, i have to say there has been one last remaining comfort i have to lean on. the boyfriend has been incredibly supportive and is steadfastly determined to keep me happy and safe. so in his case, recognition is due and is now rightfully given.

"it's not about how you feel about him,

it's how he makes you feel about yourself that matters most."

and i've said, you make me want to be a better person. thank you baby, for things you don't even know you do that change me.
iloveyou.

the unconventional sort.

so i haven't been diligently blogging of late, and i hope you will all excuse me. nothing much has been going on and i haven't been out much on account of the mumps. jack's swollen saliva glands, to you fight club fans.

it will please you all to know that i have completed THE LIST, with the sole exception of watching scarface. on to the next, i've been getting questions regarding my resolutions for the year. many of my friends are quitting their vices, smoking, drinking and so on. however, these are the things that i, at this particular juncture in my life anyway, cannot imagine living without. so instead of making my own checklist of things i will not do, here are some of the things i pledge to do more this year.

• speak french
• look up old friends
• make new friends
• hang out with old and new friends
• work
• laugh
• live

straightforward it may all seem to you, but in my experience, this already is a tall order. in the past year, i have not lived up to my expectations and as a result am feeling pretty shitty. i suppose a change in this aspect will do me good.

as you all know, i haven't been in a relationship since tee, which marks the three month mark. friends and family know, this is groundbreaking news, and i have reached a milestone that hasn't been close to approached since i discovered the joys of physical and emotional intimacy since i was 11. still, this is also, i have to admit, a nice change of scenery. it feels awesome ushering in the new year with no exccess baggage, because lord knows, i've had enough to carry in 2011.

so even though new years have never been a big thing for me, here's to 2012, a fresh beginning. may the world not end, and us all be happy. till next!

love.

it's never been easy to leave an unanswered question hanging. at least not for me. from the time i was 4 till now, it's been a part of my nature to ask, question, revisit, and dig. lecturers never liked me very much, but mostly because (i presume), they think my queries are too frequent and annoying. didn't matter, since i discovered google.

tonight saw me frolicking amongst strangers, good looking ones i might add. but all in all a most uneventful night.

of course, there was the meeting up with jbs and russly, two founding members of the very first chips gang. but then, as always, we drifted apart, mostly my fault i must say. but i had more than one place to be, as bloody usual.

went to le noir, where i usually make my weekly appearance, saw some old and new friends and was completely at home. then decided to go to bloody golden mile to meet seanie, whom i love with all heart and soul but not enough for me to go to GM.. only i realized that too fucking late.

the girls were on stage, seanie insisted on buying drinks for this particular girl that was fucking hideous and with not a very nice personality either. le sighh. we love each other too much to let go darling, why immigrate?!

anyway, moving on. left me to wander off myself, which eventually made me get into my own cab to send me home. for some reason, it left me thinking of how fragile relationships can be. not just between boyfriend and girlfriend, mind you, but even friendships, kinship, and a day to day acquaintance. how they can make a difference.

seanie is leaving singapore for good and that makes me wonder how much i'll bloody miss him. i've lost a lot of friends the last few years, but none compares to the the bleeding bond seanie and i share.

ANYWAY, beer, flowers, girls, kisses and hugs aside bb, i want you to know that you're one of a kind, and i'll never be able to find a replacement for you. i will always love you, regardless of where you are, xxx. for you:

moving past this, giving notice.

with regards to my absence, nothing much to say, just that i've been extremely busy. what with? for starters, there's OZ season one through six. then marathons of movies, scrabble matches and of course, alcohol binges. (so much for the AA, i know.)

moving on, some of you know that i was out on a blind date on friday night, set up my my baby sister no less. have been getting PMed as of the last few days and nights asking how it bloody went. verdict: not well at bleeding all.

short of actually attacking me, the boy (not man, for a good reason.) had no tact whatsoever. apart from possibly being raised by apes, i see no plausible explanation as to how someone could be so fucking rude.

at the time it seemed so harmless. he was supposedly good-looking, charming, smart and witty. reality checked in with nothing more than a well coiffed dickwad. rid myself of the insensitive, leg-humping bastard as soon as i could and went on my merry way to, as you've probably guessed, alcohol and defo much better company.

yesterday, saw me meeting up with tee. although the level of comfort is far from ideal, i suppose it's what i've signed up for with my eyes wide open. a fresh wave of heartache washes over, but surprisingly, i find myself coming up for air as i should. proof that i am indeed getting over the novelty of being alone.

the past few weeks have proven me capable of vulnerability and while i do like feeling like i can lean on someone, it seriously sucks when there is no one there. however folks, there is a lesson to be learned buried under this multitude of crap, and it's never to set yourself for more hurt than you can handle. while all relationships require trust, blind faith is not something to be reckoned with.

well. as aforementioned, moving on.

baby you, have become my addiction.

i'm overwhelmed by the sudden impulse to throw myself out of the window. so many things to do, so many leads to follow up on, so much to map out. it's driving me crazy. but then i can never let tee know. much as he won't admit it, he needs someone else to be strong every once in awhile and i'm really more than happy to oblige. least i could do ainnit?

means a lot to me when he says the things he does sometimes. they can be so insightful and sensitive, like he really knows when i feel down and need some assurance. (the rest of the time i feel like strangling him.)

the last month has seen so much drama, and i quite honestly, none of that was called for. a lot of the time, i may seem detached and cold, but that's only because i don't want to get myself knotted in someone else's web of self destruction. not because i think they're problems should stay their own, but because sometime i feel terrible enough myself and i don't feel like i can take on the extra load. listening and nodding along is all very fine and well, but of late i realized that it's, more often than not, not enough.

either way, it's really starting to take a toll on me, this farce. so what else is there to do but shake it off?

rest assured,
i'll not neglect or forget,
even if i'm not there.

so.. nibblets?

AH YI: maybe your mother's going though menopause.
SHERI: really? i hope so.
AH YI: why?
SHERI: doesn't that mean the end of her suffering?

oh, and for a meet-the-parents' session, yesterday was a lot of fun :]

don't cry for me.

it's been awhile, to say the least, but it's not that i have no intrest, but simply put, no time.

it's been hectic as hell for me, and i'm sure, for a billion other people and i've been nomadic as ever. however, i'm finally going back to where i came from.

yes folks, i'm moving back to bedok, and probably in febuary, hougang will be my new home. confusing as it is, i'll try to keep it simple. reuniting with a family you've somehow strayed from is never that easy.

fearful as i am of the oncoming future, i will persevere and hopefully come out stronger.

& everything you do.

i think i've gotten to a point in my life where i only make sense to some people, and the rest of them simply don't take me seriously. i miss my life and the confidence i had to live it.

in the past two years i've found so many things and people to learn from, and the experience i've gained had long surpassed what i'd initially expected. apart from the independence, i've found that i'm not more tactful, more sensitive. in short, i suppose i've learnt to simply be kind to people.

i guess it's just not in my nature to go out of my way to be nice, and i've never thought that people may hold it against me for that. but yesterday, i realised that everything that i thought is essentially wrong and i've hurt the people that i've selfishly taken for granted.

despite everything that i thought i've grown into, to find that my past still haunts not just me but the ones i love kills me. i could tell you that my accomplishments to date are enough to make me feel better about such depressing going-ons, but i'd be lying through my bloody teeth.

i'm worried.

i'm scared and i'm worried.

this is not something that i can get used to.

if you're looking for comfort in the waiting room;

so it would seem, that i, the almighty ra, has lst all intrest in blogging about my not-so-uneventful life. dear readers (still in existence or not), you have all been misled.

dispense with the formalities of apologizing, shall we? the word sorry, seems to count for very little these days anyway.

frankly speaking, in the recent month, many things have been in motion for me. what should have been an enriching experience for me had somehow, in fact disinterested me in life and it's utter meaningless-ness.

for instance. my family has been, to say the least, ravaged by the very recent attack my father has suffered. blockage of the heart's major arteries could be explained by the faithful as a wake up call from god, or an attack by the devil. i however, deem it as the result of compulsive consumption of fried fatty substances and of course, years of incinerating cigarettes. (i see my demise approaching in a somewhat similar manner.)

family, what does that entail? blood ties? relationships forged over the years? emotional bridges built by sweat and tears? we'll come back to that.

or what about how my increasingly addictive relationship is rapidly disintegrating before my very eyes? ahh, a subject of debate now. man have asked the heavens countless times since the dawn of age, and now i question again:

what is love?

family, partners, friends. love. in many ways, love is simply a stronger version of "like", or can alternatively be explained as the direct opposite of hate. the two extremes produce similar reactions. quickening of the heartbeat, chills up and down your spine, your senses heightened so you can almost hear the hissing of blood flowing in your very veins. in other words, the increased awareness of the other party.

emotions induced can be so strong you feel your chest is going to burst, and you can hardly catch your breath. a beautiful, curious thing, no?

now the question is, if the two are so similar, and yet so different, then what lies between? you would have thought it would range from a fair scale, but you would be surprised, as i've found. i will spare the details, none too pleasant i might add.

on the flip side, i also feel somewhat enlightened. when i saw this, the burden that felt to me like the weight of the world was alleviated.

you see, the root of the problem, are feelings. a moment of utter joy could be snatched away by jealousy in an instant and in it's place will stand pain. fleeting. the concept is simple. you will not miss what you never had to begin with.

expectations. what we feel for others, we expect equal treatment. but in a world ruled by emotions, PERCEPTIONS, DOUBT and FEAR, it is near impossible.

the greater the fall.

i guess maybe,
i'm just one of those who has to keep falling
to learn how to stand taller the next time.

speed does not equal precision.

people. always wanting more. more time, more money, more energy, more youth, more space.

relationships. whatever happened to unconditional loving, i'd like to know. you complain a person neglects you, so you want out of a marriage. when the man starts trying, you find the sudden change too disturbing. when you get used to it, you say he's fucked up for waiting this long to love you. you hate him now, and he hates you for not appreciating anything he does for you presently. then again, how could you? he took five years away from you, and when you needed him most, he was nowhere close.

what about jobs? how your pay is never justified, how your time is wasted. she says she doesn't love you anymore, and you convieniently use your heartache to break away from that monotonous job you already hate. do you not understand that this is not going to win her back?

dispassionate,
dissatisfied,
disgruntled.

why? why no one sees the little beautiful things in life, fail to notice just how much they really do have, is beyond me.

i choose to be the bystander of all this drama while all the rest of you have chosen to be participants of this "i own your ass in -" rat race. exactly what everyone's trying to best each other at, or prove to the world, i have no interest in knowing.

because if it's so hard to find your way,
why don't you just
GET LOST?

off and on days.

last few months have been harrowing, and ive not been meeting everyone as much as i'd like to. all my time has been consumed by work, and i hardly have the strength to do anything properly on my off days. however, sometimes when i push myself into doing things and it eventually proves it worthwhile.

like dougie and i on saturday. :D (a very wtf moment it was!)

or like cheek and i last night. but the only thing that made it worthwhile was the incredible single malt whiskey that we drank. HAHAA KIDDING LUHH I LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE.

i need more time to chill like this with my friends, family, girlfr.

24 hours are not enough, yes?

p.s.: scandal i miss you like a peeing drunk dude. we'll hang soon okayy!