empty cups.

with every passing moment, there is a weight onto my heart thst grows steadily heavier. it has always been the assumtion that the longer i lived, the wiser i would be. what no one tells you is that there is no corelation between age and wisdom. there is no measure for the things you understand, and the things you don't. just in case anyone has told you otherwise, age is the most unreliable factor.

i am currently in a relationship with a man who refuses to define the connection between us. this would not have bothered me a few years ago, because i would have gotten what i wanted out of the man and pretty much left him alone. what is different in this relationship is that i feel that he should feel the need to connect and acknowledge that we have something different than the average "fuck buddy" nonsense that is so rampant nowadays.

whether or not this is possessiveness speaking, i do not know. but what i do know is exactly what i want. i need a man that needs me. a person who respects me for who i am, and loves my flaws as much as he loves the other bits of me he does like. what i need in my life is someone who realizes that there is no such thing as a perfect person, but sees me as the closest thing he can get to it.

i am no angel, i am nothing. i am horribly insecure and terribly dependent on people for my happiness. but i am kind, loving, sweet, generous, not jealous or paranoid. i deserve better than wondering if i'm someone this guy settles for just because we're in the same country.

or do i? i catch myself wondering if this is all i'm made for; ever the transitional girlfriend.

it hurts feeling like i'm never good enough for people, or that i don't deserve anything or anyone better. my confidence is completely depleted and i have no sense of self worth anymore.

it's been awhile, confidence, and i need you back.

change a long time coming.

i've said this before, the media is a loaded gun that can be used for good or evil. this applies to all kinds of media starting but not limited to the newpaper, the straits times, the evening news, mtv, blogs, facebook and twitter.

i've had enough of this crap. people are talking about anton casey, about stephanie whatsherface, about justin beiber egging his neighbour's house, about breaking bad and real housewives. there isn't enough talk about things that concern us people, we are a culture that now feeds on gossip and entertainment. the mass effect of the fact that a majority would rather be entertained than informed is that all we get now, yes even on the news, is horsehit.

what a lot of people who fundamentally believe the same things i do, but fail to understand is this: the nonsense that plagues our daily lives is not a product of a media house that is owned by the government (i know that i'm going to catch a lot of flak for this but here it is.), it is because people choose what they want to see, and every person in this country, scratch that, THE WORLD, are after ratings because that is materialism in the purest form of the word. it is everyone's self interest to give the world what the world wants to see and hear. this, ladies and gentlemen, is the problem.

am i qualified to make this statement? yes. i'm speaking as a citizen of the world, a person who is concerned by world hunger, xenophobia and blanket discrimination, war, poverty, and not as a child who is concerned by what kim kardashian's baby wore last tuesday. there wasn't a time in my life that i wanted to write because i was interested in fashion, or penning weekend columns in women's weekly on "10 ways to please your man". what concerns me is not consumerism or pandas dying out, but the state of our spot in this universe that my generation and our descendents have to learn to thrive in.

what angers me the most about media today is that it is being abused. not just the main vein, but the social platforms that allow people who are grossly misinformed the leeway to publicly incite hatred, spread half truths or just outright lies, and keep the bandwagon of idiots on the road to self destruction going on an incredibly large platform. these people do not need to be validated. they need to be educated.

personal experience with many people who claim political apathy has taught me that people misspeak because they do not know what the word apathy means. this is, of course another cause of contention for me, as i care about the standard of education and general ignorance deteriorating and escalating, in that order. does this affect me on a personal level? when i think about the future, yes. i for one, do not want to live on a planet where the state of man is a in a constant state of regression. but i digress.

here's a lesson because i simply cannot take it anymore. political apathy is knowing that whatever systems we currently have IS NOT WORKING. political apathy is NOT voting for the opposition just because we don't think the party in power is not doing a good job. political apathy is being aware that the alternative solution that is presently available is not necessarily the solution. political apathy is knowing that we can be better, but no one is inspiring positive change, because we're too busy expecting the higher ups to come up with something better, while we at the spend none of that time thinking of what actually can be done.

people bash governments all the time. yes, i understand that this is what people do. it is also what politicians do, because no one is perfect, therefore our policies, rules and terms of government, by extension, will never make the cut of a utopian society. much as i believe that more people should understand this, i also think that people need to start believing in our ability, as a human race, to be better.

the media is a loaded gun. we, the people of the world, pick the ammunition. what we need to stop doing is to incite hatred, spread fear, discrimination of any kind, complacency, and the decadence we are used to. we need to start sharing more, giving more, loving more, living more, and caring more about what we say, do and yes, even think. we are all products of a society that has been spoiled by the riches that our grandfathers worked their asses for. it's time we start learning the value of these lessons, and indeed, start going through them ourselves. because honestly, it's getting old people, and i'm starting to get embarrassed.

rusty bolts.

was talking to scandal last night and we were discussing a variety of things, none too cheerful a topic. couldn't sleep after so i just lay awake thinking how difficult it is to be completely honest with yourself, let alone another person. i'm sick of being sad, there is just too much going on that i'm missing.

instead of offering meaningless apologies, why can't people just stop doing things that hurt the ones they claim they care about? been wondering for some time why i always fall for the same fucking trick, and i suppose that it's because i've always believed that i'd never know unless i suppressed my fear and went for it. i now understand that blind faith in people is just setting myself up for disappointment. after all these years, i realize i still don't know you. i thought you were my friend.

i thought i was done with this feeling after a never ending torrent of disappointment. then you come along and add one more notch to the scoreboard. i suppose in some way, the effect was amplified because i was never afraid of being scarred, not by you. i trusted you.

clearly, that was a mistake. as house would say, everybody lies.

the weight of your words.

as a disclaimer, i have nothing against people who are on the heavier side. i am, however, sometimes peeved at how some people brush off the truth reflected in the mirror. so here it is, weight issues and what pisses me off.

fat people who do fuck all:
questions such as "do i look fat in this? I DO, DON'T I!!!", followed by incessant wailing, do not sit well with me. if you're that bothered, get off your fucking lazy ass and do something about it.

fat people who take dieting pills:
we all know you're cheating. nothing ever worth attaining comes easy and you bragging about how you got these amazing slimming pills (and at such a decent price!) does nothing to improve my perception of you. i'd honestly respect you more if you went through liposuction, because at least your figure came at the cost of money and pain. if all you're doing is going on the bloody pills, don't say you're on a fucking diet. stop lying to yourself and the people around you.

fat people who say they aren't fat:
the phrase "bones are for the dog, and meat for the man." only implies when you are curvy, it doesn't mean it's okayy to be fucking obese. if you want to die of coronary disease, go the fuck ahead, but don't use a perfectly good phrase as an excuse to continue horking down the pork pies.

fat people who say repeatedly that they're cool with their weight:
we all know you aren't. when a person is truly comfortable with where they are in their life, there is no need to publicize. i have NEVER met a person, truly confident, that feels the need to bring their weight up in every other sentence, just to demonstrate how they are not that insecure. if you say you being a size 10 is awesome, stop insinuating that you'd rather be a size 6.

that is all.

no more.

there isn't much to differentiate between us and animals nowadays, and it sickens me. all of you assholes, fucking preening, on a cock contest, a bid for popularity, is there any more meaning to this existance?

i am sick of this.

i have sat here idle, and i now realize my words are my best tools. it pains me that i also know now that there are some thoughts that are never meant to see the light of day. i.. i get angry. exhausted.

i've thought myself above reproach when it comes to matters of the heart.

today i find myself wrong.

fine on my own.

i had a really good day yesterday, and was in good spirits when i got up this morning. however as every cynic (or realist) will tell you, good things don't last, and i have found myself once again doubting the integrity of the average person.

getting emotionally invested is something that some of my friends know i have a habit of not doing, especially when a person and i are still in the dating phase. i have always thought that this was in the interest of self preservation, but men have told me that i should let my guard down more, as the ability to trust in another human being is an attractive thing.

so either i have horrible timing, or i've been doing the right thing all along. i do not understand why people choose to wait till i am vulnerable enough to hurt when they decide to leave. just for clarification, this is not bitterness, but anger at being lied to, which i think is perfectly justified. though, in some small way, i am only consoled by the fact that the person you just settled for isn't me.

regardless, nothing gives you the right to go around telling people how much they mean to you when your words obviously mean fuck all. and because you deserve nothing less (you know who you are), here's the finger for treating my heart like a plaything. have a nice life, asshole.

stone cold sober.

today, i feel everything. i am thoroughly exhausted by the strain of caring too much, too often, and i feel stretched out too thin. i am breaking apart and i feel dissatisfied, disappointed, disillusioned. i feel alone, ugly, incapable, useless, and unloved. i feel utterly empty. completely depleted.

as with all my relationships, the pressure of expectations never fails to bring anything good to it's knees. this is true of the relationship i have with myself. i have lost respect, and gained only scorn for what i can only say is a shadow of my former self. i realize today that after everything that has happened since the beginning of last year, i am devoid of hope. i do not think i deserve better anymore. i do not love me anymore, and today i realize this.

to whoever is out there reading this, it may sound like something out of a suicide letter, or something equally depressing that, i don't know, maybe secondhand serenade could be responsible for. excuse this uncharacteristic surge of sadness that envelops me today, because unlike the rest, i find no comfort in anything.

there is no intention to induce guilt, pity, or even concern here. this is not a cry for help, nor is it a plea for companionship in my misery (yes, misery.), only indulgence in allowing myself to mark this day so i will remember the way this feels for the rest of my life. i do not like this, and for the sake of never ever having to feel like this again, i will be better.

with every sob that inevitably makes me choke a little, i convince myself that i am letting go. i do not know if this is true, but i suppose in some small way it makes me feel better. i don't know where all this is coming from but it feels like taking a breath for the first time. feel i liberated, but i honestly don't know what from. maybe now i can move forward, even without knowing what i'm leaving behind. just one of those days, maybe.

today, i feel everything.

on noise pollution.

the last three weeks, my void deck has seen an endless stream of activity. public karaoke contests, buddhist funerals, taoist funerals, malay percussion jamming sessions, and pretty much anything that involves noise that would raise the dead.

let me be absolutely clear - i have no intention of offending any members of any which community pocket. the vendetta i have is against public nuisances, not a race or religion. to paraphrase the great mj, it don't matter if you're black, white, yellow, brown or orange (if you're into the jersey shore skin cancer sporting look), keep it the fuck down.

i realize at this point that i'm sounding quite mean and insensitive, but be reasonable. the way things have been going, you'd think my block was the only one in singapore that had a bloody lobby. how would you feel if your estate was subjected to a near month of non-stop mardi gras? nothing against people being happy (or sad) too loud, but isn't that what community centers are built for? funerals and weddings, fine. but karaoke singing from 8 am to 10 pm at night?

COME THE FUCK ON.

perhaps i'm overreacting, but i've just about had it with these public disturbances. why people can't be a little more considerate is beyond me. is it really necessary for everything to be at full volume? for someone who works from home a lot, you can see how this would affect others like myself when we can't fucking hear ourselves think, let alone be productive.

in a society that is so diverse in race and religion, i think more sensitivity is required here than just the bare minimum. i know this issue has been done to death, but i still feel the need to say that regardless of how important these events are, the noise you create isn't just affecting you. it's not an enclosed area so please, try to be considerate.

with all the amy cheong hullabaloo came a wave of singaporeans stepping up and criticizing her insensitivity, and it was great to see. however, when it comes to the point where these finger pointers become noise makers themselves, it's disappointing that no one has actually said anything about prevention being better than cure. i think you see where i'm going with this.

so after all that's been said and done, here it is: after my short hiatus, i think this important enough to mention here, in hope that whoever reads this finds it in their heart to see that the world would be a much better place if we were all a little more gracious, considerate and accountable. my words may be hard for some to swallow, but it's really all in the name of love. acceptance, unlike tolerance, comes when people of different cultures present themselves in a manner that is cohesive with their surrounding environment. similarly, there is a time and place for everything. again, i say this with all the love in the world: take your shouting matches, singing competitions, skateboarding practices and excited screaming badminton-playing children somewhere else.

NOT. WELCOME. HERE.

remember, all the love in the world.

now you know you know it.

while i've pretty much been in my hole working my ass off, the world outside my little cave has been thriving on without me. what i've come to learn over the last few days is truly disturbing. kindly view exhibit a:

even to my some of you who may not be from singapore would see that this is obviously offensive. i note this and whole-heartedly agree. as some of you know, i am dating a member of the here targeted muslim/malay community. this does nothing to ease the irritation and discomfort with the remarks so off-handedly cast by miss cheong and miss tan.

of course, singaporeans everywhere are enraged that some fool would be so callous in a multi-racial society such as ours. again, i feel no different. how we dealt with this information, however, is a totally separate matter.

over the last two days, cheong has lost her job due to her insensitivity, and her company's eagerness to prove they aren't all bigots. BOTH tan and cheong alike have been flamed like crazy over the likes of facebook and twitter. (observation: more chinese people are sticking up for their malay compatriots than angry malay people demanding cheong and tan's heads.) up till now i've merely provided information, but the real question here is, how much of this anger is necessary?

to be honest, while the racial and religious aspect of our culture here is a sensitive one, people sometimes take it too far. while cheong and tan have obviously crossed a line here, it's a fact that we are all offensive at one point or another, be it a personal attack or a blanket judgement on a whole community.

take me, a 22 year old with a multi-racial social circle. i readily admit that i haze my friends about their race, among other things, from time to time (those that are comfortable enough in their own skin, of course. i'm not completely tactless.), much like they make fun of my chinky-ness. this does not mean that we discriminate, it's just a manifestation of our opinions projected in a sometimes offensive manner. while that is nothing to condone, it's not something to overreact about.

at this point, most of you are wondering if i think that being overtly expressive, ala cheong/tan, is okayy. the answer is, of course, no. but to be publicly persecuted as such, to the point of causing someone's loss of income, is a bit too much. some of you may argue that by posting such comments on such an accessible platform, they're asking for it. just a thought: no one asks to lose their job, or for a break up, or for their candy dropping on the floor. bad things happen, but some of them we happen to have control of.

what i am so trying so desperately to say is that, people, get real. there are always going to be idiots who are going to be opinionated. what i believe the solution to be is simple. just ignore them. these are obviously cries for attention, so why enhance their drab lives by giving it to them? our very hope in telling these morons off are that they will stop feeling this way. much like a parent tells a child to be an engineer rather than the next britney spears.

lesson:

a fool may be worthy of his namesake,

but he still deserves his dreams

and reserves his right to his opinions.

ahh well.

another way to look at it, i suppose, is that nothing more can be done. let's just hope they have the good sense not to reproduce. of course, seeing idiots are what they are, they probably don't know not to do that.

parting thought:

not the second after or before.

today is urban ears day at work.

breaking my week long silence with a post about somethings that i don't get in/about social media.

1.

#wtfisthis
#fuckyeah
#imsohungrynow

DOES THIS LOOK FAMILIAR?

now i understand hashtagging in twitter for actual words. does anyone actually know how this phenomenon came about? according to wiki, this form of identification in chatrooms, and then became a form of micro-posting/micro-blogging and emphasis. still, on facebook? has no one yet realized that facebook does not support hashtags as metadata?

gahh. and i thought i was slow.

2.

YOLO.

what the fuck does this even mean? is the statement not short enough for you lazy bastards? for those of you who are as clueless as i am, YOLO stands for "you only live once" and is now used by hipster wannabes as an excuse for doing very stupid things. you will see it's appearance in conversations along these lines.

"dude im so drunk typing in caps hurts my head.. drinks later though?"
"mother of god, john was just talking about getting a tattoo on his penis!"
"i know i've only known him for three weeks, but should we get married?"

and the reply to all these idiotic proclaimations would be

"WELL YOLO MUTHAFUCKA."

(this does not stop the facepalming and regret the following morning.)

3.

word-shortening to the point of causing major confusion. for example, what the hell is "feels"? as in:

"whoever from wherever is so hot and and and, oh my godddddddddddddd, the feelssssssssssss!"

???????????????

enough said.

sorry sheri, it was the best example i could think of hahaa.

4.

while i all but drool over the korean men, it is a fact they make horrendous dramas. in fondant garden, a taiwanese/korean hybrid that reduced me to tears only 92 times, i have to admit half of the 16-episode series are flashbacks. also, what is up with the roundabout storyline? i swear, every bloody korean drama is like turn-left-turn-fucking-right. (k-fans should know what i mean.)

other things that aggravate me:

• why are all then men so hot and all the girls so average looking?
• why are the girls too cute and all the men too perfect?
• why is it that all villains have redeeming factors so it's impossible to hate them?
• is it actually possible that a cake can be made from scratch in 15 minutes? if not, why are they made to order in this drama?
• what's with the koreans being dubbed over in mandarin and the taiwanese being dubbed over in korean? why? WHY?

sighhh feeling frustrated all of a sudden. korean drama hotties, why are you all too good to be true?

shall be all for today then.

slowly, seeping from the bone.

the blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. the mean reds are horrible. suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. do you ever get that feeling?

- holly golightly

(breakfast at tiffany's)

had a fight with my mom today, which is never ideal. i suppose today is just one of those days. drab, flat. nothing sits right, my hair is annoying the living hell out of me, and i feel like gross-sobbing for no reason at all.
 
there are, however several things that make me feel better. coffee & cigarettes, soundtracks from the musical CHICAGO, and probably most surprising or all, stacy's blog.

while i'm usually never in the mood to feel inferior in terms of writing flair, the comfort her words give me is immeasurable. on days such as these, i sometimes think her mind is really the best place to be. it's almost like escaping into another personality, running away from here; wherever here is.

(PART OF) TODAY'S PLAYLIST:

tegan and sara - love type thing

kings of leon - pyro

cary brothers - blue eyes

the white stripes - walking with a ghost

bon iver - skinny love

feist - moon my man

coldplay - a hopeful transmission

john mayer - neon

temper trap - resurrection

M83 - we own the sky

junkie xl - broken

to healing, maybe.

if this bottle could talk.

a week or so ago, i cleared all outstanding friend requests on my facebook account. what prompted me to do so, i really cannot say. apart from the annoying prompts i do not know how to turn off, i suppose boredom was a contributing factor. anyways, since then i have deeply regretted this moment of stupidity, as my newsfeed is now a sea of people announcing their lunch times, their period pains and other mundane things that to the world. (and people ask me why i drink.)

perhaps i am the only one who feels this way, but i highly believe this to be close to impossible. honestly, i cannot imagine -


- how someone else wouldn't know it's thursday
- why someone would care if you got out of bed from the right or left side
- why you eating pringles for lunch would be cause of interest
- you saying you're pissed and providing no further information is expected to garner replies of sympathy

for the love of god, what has become of us? is it possible that with all the advancements made in the last 2 centuries, humanity has devolved?

in all seriousness, i do admit that the freedom of speech promoted nowadays on easily-accessed platforms has prompted the majority of retards that exist among us to step forward and take advantage of it. however, should there not be some form of filtration programmed, especially into social network forums? for example, how google search corrects your spelling with a self righteous "did you mean...?", i am quite serious about inculcating that practice with every site that is promoting friendship with strangers. after all, it is an all-for-one scenario.

in short, the betterment of people everywhere is at stake here, the main concern being influence. as we all know, 10 year olds are as technologically savvy as any 35 year old picked off the street. wouldn't it be nice if the next generation of successors weren't as exposed to stupidity as they are now? the amount of garbage online, on tv, in the papers and on the streets are quite enough to reduce a perfectly normal three year old's IQ to a single digit score.

i have long accepted that rome wasn't built in a day, and there is no way all forms of inane bullshit will be kept out of our everyday lives. i am merely hoping that somewhere, someone influential will get to this very in-your-face blogpost and wake the fuck up. i don't know if right now, i'm blogging to make a change. what i do know is that, should the mental capabilities of my fellow singaporeans continue to deteriorate in the next five years, i'm moving to mars, if necessary. (of course, assuming that maybe 50 or so people retain a high enough IQ to discover if it's possible.)

with words.

hello all, it's been awhile. also, forgive the odd hour. have a bit too much on my mind to go to bed and drift off to a fitful few hours, hence my presence here. and when i'm here at this ungodly hour, we all know a rant is in order.

first off, the job front isn't looking too good. while sales and marketing has always been a passion i always envisioned myself pursuing long-term, i really don't see how it's going anyfuckingwhere at the present moment.

which is driving me absolutely INSANE.

to begin with, as i have explained to my very patient seniors, i do not understand why i'm not doing as well as we all hoped here. i'm smart, eloquent, decent looking and i have a knack for getting strangers to like me. why i'm not highrolling is utterly beyond my comprehension. aforementioned seniors have chided me, saying it's not always what you say, but how you say it. i completely agree, perhaps it's my delivery of the message that's a problem. but it really shouldn't be THIS hard to rectify, should it?

mon dieu.

second, things at home are getting crazy and yes, boys and girls, another stretch away from home is in the making. so see, it's perfectly understandable that i'm feeling uptight and snappy, no? apart from the obvious deprivation of funds to support my needs and wants, comes the never ending migraine called rent.

as if that's not enough, singtel has been being a cunt and my phone bills have, for some unknown reason, decided to sky rocket.

problems are easy to fix on a short term front, but in the long run, the solutions themselves are bound to affect me negatively as well. so here's the dilemma, the fast fix, or the highway to hell? because let's face it, i'm going there either way.

through this all, i have to say there has been one last remaining comfort i have to lean on. the boyfriend has been incredibly supportive and is steadfastly determined to keep me happy and safe. so in his case, recognition is due and is now rightfully given.

"it's not about how you feel about him,

it's how he makes you feel about yourself that matters most."

and i've said, you make me want to be a better person. thank you baby, for things you don't even know you do that change me.
iloveyou.

pull your little arrows out.

according, to AARON TAN, one of the youtube "sensations" to grace our beloved international video sharing platform, i am very very pretty. not that i disagree, mind you, but the stroking of the my picture on his screen is tres disturbing. needless to say, the boyfr is not amused, feels rather disgusted, and is making death threats under his breath over the phone. (all in jest of course, fret not!)

assuming you want to know what all the hooplah is about, you are, of course, provided the option of fast-forwarding to the 9th minute if you, like me, cannot stand his nonsensical rantings in no particular language at all. (ask on the tagboard should you require translations.) i have to add that this is purely coincidental and was through no fault of mine. i do not know this guy at all, and quite frankly, have no intention of ever having the pleasure of declining his extension of friendship. hopefully the boy leaves me well alone.

at this juncture i have no idea whether to feel greatly flattered or just plain mortified. like the sister suggests though, shall just "take a ride on the fame train". wonder how long THIS will last then.

stay tuned for updates, as always. should the lord be kind, perhaps you folks will have the privilege of viewing my virgin video post!

trendspotting.

apparently, the year has not only been shit for me, but also for all of singapore. possibly the world. amusing, but devastatingly embarrassing things have made both annoyed and ashamed of my nationality, because of such idiocies that my fellow countrymen have claimed ownership of. this post is solely dedicated to airing my views because such is the burden of being a brilliant blogger, and this opportunity to rant is too good to miss. and so, without further ado, a rundown of all that has been going on in this circus.

the hosehbo experience:
the what would be her slapping her mother and the where would be her keeping the universe posted by declaring the life-changing experience on facebook. responses were, at least to us normal people, predictable. shockingly, miss hosehbo responded angrily.
to all that have been flaming that little shit, leave her alone. bitching and getting all riled up isn't going to change anything really. and to HSB, like hello? what do YOU have anything to be angry about. you slapped your mother and posted it on a public forum. blame your absence of a brain, oxygen thief.

the aaron tan hooplah:
boy meets girl, boy loves girl, girl leaves boy, girl loves another boy. sadly, these are everyday occurrences. now, posting a video on youtube about it, is not. 18 year old aaron tan seems to have something to prove and nobody is quite sure what it is. understandable, BECAUSE HIS ENGLISH IS MOTHER- INCOMPREHENSIBLE. unfortunately, of all people to watch this video and post a video response, a foreigner does. nothing against foreigners, of course, but this one just happened to be so rude, everyone was on aaron's side all of a sudden.
first off, why was this clip on aaron's personal rant going viral in in the first place? perhaps it is my impatience that made me cut off the video a minute or so into it, but i really didn't see anything worth my time. second, why is this holysoldierguy or whatever replying to aaron. do you KNOW him? also, why the racism man, where's the love? plus, it really is none of your bloody beeswax.
what i do not understand is what this phenomenon of singaporeans picking sides is caused by: national pride, or just plain hypocrisy. just a thought.

the SMRT debacle:
yes the trains stopped twice in two days, yes a piece of the fucking ceiling broke off and hit someone, yes people could have died. also, there are millions of people dying of starvation. planes are crashing. men, women and children alike are fighting wars in order to stay alive. serial killers are aplenty and people vanish everyday.
my point is folks, shit happens. as i was explaining to TIMMYIZKING yesterday, with an operation on a scale that large, accidents are inevitable.

there you have it. is it any wonder that i'd rather be somewhere far, far away? some advice from a shady character:

SINGAPOREANS,
YOU GUYS NEED TO
CHILL
THE
FUCK
OUT.

seriously.

where my heart used to be.

the worst stab wound is the one to the heart.
sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same.
there's always a scar, which I guess, is meant to remind you that even for a little while, someone made your heart beat faster.
and that's a scar you can live with, proudly.
all the days of your life.

as said by AUGUSTUS HILL in season 4.

if you must know, this is what love is. you know who you are. it astounds me that one can live a lie as big as that. it doesn't change how i feel about you, and i am most definitely not in any place to judge you. but i do want to help you see that by looking out of rapunzel's window and keeping your distance, you're not keeping yourself safe because you're your own worst enemy.

if there's nothing else you can take out of this, just remember everyone's got their own problems, off days, insecurities and skeletons. deal with yours because no one can keep you your happiness without your say so.

there are people who need you here.

like me.

hot lips back in town.

what with all this mama hoo-ha going on, just thought id share some insight on the topic myself.

saw scandal's status on facebook today and she was going on about how she didn't know what was going on. normally, i would be none the wiser either, but thanks to this invention they call the television, i DO know.

also, this is a direct result of my celebrity-crush on the korean sex-god, kim hyun joong (which i am proud to say, i've stopped stalking). which brings me to the next comment i observed from my high throne.

"Kim Hyun Joong? He didn't went under the knife? He's my idol! ^.^"

don't like that one bit. first things first, your punctuation sucks donkey balls. second, you wouldn't know grammar if it were brought to you in a bucket. and third, if he were your idol, you'd know that he did go under the knife, but only to fix his nose which got hurt in an accident. i also know that he went skinny dipping in bali, that he's pretty much insane, that he's 181 cm tall, and looks like he'd have some mad skillz in bed, but that's besides the point.

anyway, what im trying to say is this, tying in with what i've said on the previous post but now to members of both genders, don't say something stupid on a public forum.. please. there will always be people like me who are lurking and laughing at your grammatical errors, lousy vocabulary and general stupidity.

on another note, tagboard's up. if you have nothing nice to say, by all means say it anyway and i'll try not to reply you. old friends, new and the people i've never met in my life, feel free to leave your mark. comments and criticisms are welcome and you can expect that i'll take them the best way you probably never intended.

love to all!

things that get to me and why.

before i actually go to bed, i just have to bloody rant about girls these days who are giving those like yours truly a bad name.

first off there was that whole shebang about that hosehbo girl or whatever, and now there's this 12 year old chica who's stepping up to say that she too, has given her mother the old one-two.

here's a friendly suggestion. instead of typing about your truly childish misadventures, putting it on facebook, then getting all upset about people telling you off (and rightfully so, i might add.),

HOW ABOUT YOU GROW THE FUCK UP AND LEARN HOW TO READ AND SPELL.

on 14 year olds who dress like bloody prostitutes, expect people to treat you the way present yourself. what's with you tarting yourself up, sneaking into clubs, then going home to blog in broken english about a man flirting with you? and you have the GALL to be incensed? i'm sorry, but sell some of that ass in the shop window and get yourself a mirror.

finally, about young un's (and some who are not so young.) who claim they blog, learn what's appropriate and what's not. there are writers who put up things that are hard to digest, but are discerning about the words and tone they use. don't be surprised to get flamed if you're posting naked photos of yourself, going around making general derogatory remarks about a majority OR minority group, or just putting up childish nonsense. (like slapping your mom.)

newsflash: YOU'RE NOT COOL.

i know this is probably all old news to local readers here, but i haven't yet had the time to blog about this. just putting it our there to let people know that while ignorance or feigning it is a goddamn cult in singapore, i really don't want to just let it go like that. as a person who takes pride in being capable of good english, just let me say this:

ladies of all ages, listen up. if you don't understand the gravity of your words, don't use them. if you don't want to get told off for being inconsiderate, be careful with what you say. in this current age of technology, everything and everyone is accessible so i hope you get that some things are better left unsaid. hurting someone may be unintentional, but it could happen. you may choose your actions but not your consequences, because no one is exception to the law of cause and effect. if you're gonna say shit, expect to feel fucked up about it later and don't you dare get angry about it. these are good people who give a shit about the dump our society is turning into because of people like you. unless your rantings/musings/inane bullshit is meant to garner negative attention to begin with, then a congratulations in advance is due. you'll probably get what you wished for.

thank you.

never enough time.

met with BAK and started the yesterday out with him at PS Cafe at harding road. some bites and three glasses later, bak went home and i proceeded to PS Cafe at palais (yes it was a day for visiting.) to down a glass of champers. huang was there and she comped me the alcoholic beverage, but when i went to thank her and say hi, she was just as always, outrageously rude. ohh well.

hung out with RUSSLY and JBS at the dodge bar in the basement of ming arcade for a bit and when 10 rolled around, i was pretty smashed up. decided to head home, but surprise surprise, got a call from tee and we decided to meet up. told him exactly what i thought about him and i suppose all in all, it went well. shall not elaborate, but will say it ended amicably and all is not lost.

got home around 12 30 and contemplated the true meaning of love. i used to be pretty sure of the definition but it now all seems so abstract. be it with someone who is convinced he loves me, or someone i have feelings for, the innocence of playful courtship have gone together with my secondary school days. like everybody else i know, i end up second guessing the next person's intentions. which brings me to the next question of what happiness is, or rather, if i will ever get to experience it, and if i do, would i know?

my life has been sectioned off, categorically defined by who i spent that time with. i wonder if any of those men remember me and how. if we were still together, would we have been happy?

and random thoughts like that filled my head, it was only when i remembered what it is always like in the beginning that i stopped feeling sorry for myself. i suppose everyone has their days and whatnot, but i absolutely refuse to continue moping. besides, i have had my moments of extreme happiness. problem is, at this point it's just hard to keep them close. reminiscing is more than recreation, it can also be a tool for comfort. now that i have come across this revelation, i'm spreading the love. happiness, however fleeting, is meant to be held close and dear. i wont waste time being sad anymore, i promise.

live long and prosper!

for all the boys i've helped mother.

things.

im getting quite sick of your constant pulling and pushing. you show moments of sincerity, then complete indifference the next second. you ask me out, then spend time telling me about someone else you're seeing. you say you understand what i went through with you but you behave as if i should be the one apologizing. it's not funny anymore tee.

so what if i still have feelings leftover from what would be our pathetic little romance? i'm only normal and have emotions, but it doesn't give you the right to treat me like crap. i've accepted that i'll just end up being number 39 to you, but there's limit to what i would allow someone to do to me and being your bloody plaything is defo not what i authorized.

like i said, regardless of how i feel about you at the present moment, i have made the decision to move on and in this, i will, doubtless, succeed.

get THAT into your head, you pompous, stubborn, egoistical, genius, millionaire, playboy jerk.