a little ode to the magic we take for granted.

happiness, i've learned,
can be quantified. the rustle,
the musky smell of it's yellowed, aged pages.
in fairy tales, chronicles, in tomes of poetry,
i find the solace
which replaces solitude that rarely evades me
in the quiet hours.

when it's time to let you go.

today finds me feeling ill, dejected and discouraged. as always, the promise that the day can only get better is the only thing holding me together.

i've been working on my writing relentlessly, and i find that i don't feel the same magic reading the words that i felt writing them. i wonder if this is true for all writers, if they know the pain of finding something wrong or missing, but not knowing how to fix it.

i desperately need proof readers.

in other news, i've also been spending last week getting over the disappointments of the one before. not quite there yet, but i now know there's nothing for it but to keep pushing on. after all, everything's survivable (except that last thing) is it not? i keep telling myself that i will be better for this.

just hope i'm right i guess.

hush.

tremble,
because you don't have any other excuse for an illness.
shake,
because you don't have another reason to leave.

listen,
because you don't have anything (or anyone) else to speak to
but me.

so take me and don't let me go,
still me,
while i still feel like i need you.

don't silence this thought,
you know not what it's like in the dead of the night.

it's too much sometimes,
that immeasurable task of living life.

maybe i just want to be.

quiet.

maybe i just need,
you.

slowly, seeping from the bone.

the blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. the mean reds are horrible. suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. do you ever get that feeling?

- holly golightly

(breakfast at tiffany's)

had a fight with my mom today, which is never ideal. i suppose today is just one of those days. drab, flat. nothing sits right, my hair is annoying the living hell out of me, and i feel like gross-sobbing for no reason at all.
 
there are, however several things that make me feel better. coffee & cigarettes, soundtracks from the musical CHICAGO, and probably most surprising or all, stacy's blog.

while i'm usually never in the mood to feel inferior in terms of writing flair, the comfort her words give me is immeasurable. on days such as these, i sometimes think her mind is really the best place to be. it's almost like escaping into another personality, running away from here; wherever here is.

(PART OF) TODAY'S PLAYLIST:

tegan and sara - love type thing

kings of leon - pyro

cary brothers - blue eyes

the white stripes - walking with a ghost

bon iver - skinny love

feist - moon my man

coldplay - a hopeful transmission

john mayer - neon

temper trap - resurrection

M83 - we own the sky

junkie xl - broken

to healing, maybe.

this house.

warmth, do you too choose
to elude me?
perhaps, in my delusion
that one should never
fear loneliness
i am alone.

in that case, i am incensed
by your outright mockery.
do you not know what this does to me?

tonight, like every other
i stayed up awaiting your return
and as always,
amongst lit candles, in high heels and perfume,
i remembered that you never once disappointed in keeping away.

no more of this, please
i choose to rid myself of this want.
maybe in solitude,
i'd find myself much safer
wrapped in the certainty of it's presence.

the best form of mercy.

"do you really want to know?" he smirked. without stopping, he went on, his voice as clear and chilling as the night that i imagined swallowed us whole. "her body will decay after they put her in the ground. she will house maggots and mold, and she will smell of the dirt she lies within. the coffin will cave, and what is left of her by then, along with the chips and splinters will be lost to oblivion. as if she never existed."

i couldn't stop a tear, and then felt ashamed. after all, i hardly knew her. however, now that she was defined by her death, everything about her that i personally experienced was amplified and deafening. of course, that was because i had my part to play in this farce. my emotions and actions are at war with each other, i thought to myself, fighting the urge to gag at the bile i could feel rising at the back of my throat. the bile i could taste. as bad as i felt, nothing could prepare me for feeling worse at the breath that was my own, as it formed the words:

"then she will have nothing more to do with me."

a snippet from the book that is coming along nicely, though i doubt it will be completed any time soon. hope you enjoyed it as much as i loved dreaming it up. comments and criticism, as always, is very welcome.

whenever i'm alone with you.

it's a strange,
strange situation.
i am alone.

for the first time in awhile, i haven't felt this way.
pray tell,
why, this
PAIN
why, this
caution.
i am not
some dangerous, untamed thing
people have told me
i, i am too wild.

but no, i,
i am tired today.

tonight is for rest.

oh speak again, bright angel!

mostly, the rest of my day was spent on hey arnold!, i neglected to hand in the to-do-list as promised. but whatever, there is always tomorrow, no?

on the other hand, no time like the present. so!

• to get a JOB.
• to sort out self.
• clean desk.
• re-colour-code wardrobe.
• get down to putting up corkboards in room.
• install bloody blinds on window looking out into living room.
  
• to slow down on the alcohol intake.
• ditto for the cigarettes.
  
• to finish my book.
• to finish reading everything in my house twice.
• to stop checking emails every 15 minutes.
• quit the facebook addiction.
• quit stalking kim hyun joong (the one and only korean sex god.) online.
• quit stalking ANYONE online.
• watch scarface.
• and all my favourite classics.
• revisit old blog and fish out sexy lines, if any.
  
• and finally:

back on the topic of old school cartoons, an excerpt!

mr. hyunh:
oscar, oscar! why do you always have to cheat? why can't you act like a normal man?
oscar:
me? what about you? you are wearing a dress.
mr. hyunh:
that is to help arnold! i am juliet!
oscar:
you are not juliet, you are a sad man wearing a dress.
mr. hyunh:
i am juliet! JULIET!

HAHAHAHAHAA DELUSIONS.

comedy at it's best.

russell brand's version of a love letter to serena williams:


serena,

congratulations on being so good at tennis. you really do tennis so well, it's difficult not to develop a crush on you. even with a sore leg, a condition that would have made monica seles buckle (remember all that fuss about her back injury!). i'd like you to come and see me do stand up (wink wink!) while you're in the uk, or even come to tea with me. i know you're busy with all the wimbledon hooplah, but damn it woman! you must have some time to nourish your soul and flirt! it's what jesus would have wanted.

call or email me back. we must fill our days with adventure, in case the after life is as serene as your name and not as exciting as your dancing smile.

a respectful kiss,
russell brand


you've got to admit, the man's got godlike skill.

another brilliant quote from the genius:

"thank you for for being so kind to me about my physical appearance.
but of course beauty is transient and one day you and i will both die, jonathan.
we'll be nought but dust.. not today though!
today's going to be lovely!"

blast from the past.

reminiscing of late had reminded me of a forum long forgotten, by me at least. and yes, my deviantart lives! unearthed two of my favorites, probably written in the time spanning from 06 to 08, enjoy them, loyal readers! :]

CAKES AND COFFEE

while the world seems to turn it's back on you
i'll be here baby, i'll remain true
in my hands cakes and coffee
i'll be right here, armed with a story

about when you ask the how, the when, and the who
i'll be right beside you if you want me to
in my hands cakes and coffee
i want you to know you're all you need to be

if you ever have a horrible day
sweetheart, i'm only a phone call away
in my hands cakes and coffee
hoping with everything you'll turn to me

and when you decide that you've had enough
when you finally realise no one's that tough
in my hands cake and coffee
cos nothing is sweeter than an old fashioned love story

could i BE any cheesier. hahaa!

and another:

DIRECTION

so much for the street lights,
they've never led me home.
never led me to you
and i've never felt more alone in this,
this empty room.

what have you done?
so divine in it's sin
the taste of you lingers on my lips
and you,
you're the beat to my heart
torn apart and severed
it's in a box,
on it's way to you.

reds.

see this investment of my my emotions and time,
it's bleeding for you to.
where's the fun without the gamble?

either everyone's dead, or i am. :(

nobody said it was easy.

it's at times like these i really wonder where we're going.

my LOVE,
i'm at a loss.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i don't know what to say,
or think.
i don't know who we were,
or who we now are.
where were we?
where are we?

but nobody ever said it would be so hard.

never look back, we said.

hello INSOMNIA, my friend

i have missed you so.
and didn't you me?
it's been so long since i've been embraced in your sweet caress,
since i felt your last loving non-word.
it's been breaking me into pieces,
wrecking me;
i promise you.

dear INSOMNIA, my love

tell me, did you miss my companionship?
me whining about my day and whatever un-eventfulness it had been?
i have missed your compromising silence.
no one listens to me like you do.

oh INSOMNIA, sweet insomnia

why-ever did you have to go?
too many people to entertain, and your never-ending list of to-do's..
like another first love i once had
you have branded me, lover
i feel betrayed

but still, unforgettable INSOMNIA

i will always remember you,
in the dreams i wouldn't have if you were around.

**original

(please, don't forget.)

why,
why can't we just remember who we are
forget what we are
and lose control

because in this craziness
we've lost everything
including ourselves.

up till 19 months ago, i never knew what it was like to be loved like that.

emo this sounds, but it's really a story of a blessing. one of the few i've had in life.

if i begged for you to stay,
would you let me bleed myself dry
and turn away?

speed does not equal precision.

people. always wanting more. more time, more money, more energy, more youth, more space.

relationships. whatever happened to unconditional loving, i'd like to know. you complain a person neglects you, so you want out of a marriage. when the man starts trying, you find the sudden change too disturbing. when you get used to it, you say he's fucked up for waiting this long to love you. you hate him now, and he hates you for not appreciating anything he does for you presently. then again, how could you? he took five years away from you, and when you needed him most, he was nowhere close.

what about jobs? how your pay is never justified, how your time is wasted. she says she doesn't love you anymore, and you convieniently use your heartache to break away from that monotonous job you already hate. do you not understand that this is not going to win her back?

dispassionate,
dissatisfied,
disgruntled.

why? why no one sees the little beautiful things in life, fail to notice just how much they really do have, is beyond me.

i choose to be the bystander of all this drama while all the rest of you have chosen to be participants of this "i own your ass in -" rat race. exactly what everyone's trying to best each other at, or prove to the world, i have no interest in knowing.

because if it's so hard to find your way,
why don't you just
GET LOST?