always buzzin.

gotta love the transition in the beginning. sighhhhhh.
MARRY ME MR MAYER.

by the way, is it just me or is "FML" seriously overused to the point of being fucking annoying?

whatevs. did not go to the office today and am slacking off at home like a boss. this, however, does not mean that i did fuck all today. here is my list:

- laundry and dishes. done.
- watched 3 movies in a row. (the illusionist, the descendents, ray.)
- thought about blogging about ray, which is a totally brilliant work of art based on the life of ray charles.
- did not blog about ray.
- thought of going for a run. thought.
- went for dinner at bedok with the boyfr.
- hung out at some random pavilion like a construction worker.
- came home.

also, what's with fucking 12 year old girls going clubbing half naked these days? does this bear any relation to ongoing inflation? random thought.

slowly, seeping from the bone.

the blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. the mean reds are horrible. suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. do you ever get that feeling?

- holly golightly

(breakfast at tiffany's)

had a fight with my mom today, which is never ideal. i suppose today is just one of those days. drab, flat. nothing sits right, my hair is annoying the living hell out of me, and i feel like gross-sobbing for no reason at all.
 
there are, however several things that make me feel better. coffee & cigarettes, soundtracks from the musical CHICAGO, and probably most surprising or all, stacy's blog.

while i'm usually never in the mood to feel inferior in terms of writing flair, the comfort her words give me is immeasurable. on days such as these, i sometimes think her mind is really the best place to be. it's almost like escaping into another personality, running away from here; wherever here is.

(PART OF) TODAY'S PLAYLIST:

tegan and sara - love type thing

kings of leon - pyro

cary brothers - blue eyes

the white stripes - walking with a ghost

bon iver - skinny love

feist - moon my man

coldplay - a hopeful transmission

john mayer - neon

temper trap - resurrection

M83 - we own the sky

junkie xl - broken

to healing, maybe.

and this makes 70.

so today started out with a conversation with ZKF over the phone at 11 30. due to me still all a-slumber, the memory of exactly what transpired during the length of the short exchange is somewhat blurred. fret not, as i later recalled that the dear boy had called to make plans for the day and to town it was.

(excuse the ah lian-ness of it all, but photos or it didn't happen, right?)

we met at tampines then headed off to town in search of shirts, pants and shoes. of course, because we are what we are (easily distracted), a major detour was caused by: a short gaming session, 5 dollar cups of fries, 400 grams of famous amos cookies, a bottled whiskey soda, and a hilarious discussion about the color of garbage bags. by the time the knights assembled, boy and i decided we had better get the show on the road and get started with our treasure hunt. hence, the departure, and the marathon began.

yes. marathon. i shit you not. we were hunting a grand total of 2 bloody hours before the first goddamn purchase. everyone who knows me is aware of the fact that i, sarah tan xin yi, hate shopping with a vengeance. however, today was exceptional and i am not one to refrain from making allowances.

hours of walking around, holding hands and sneaking kisses were the focal point of our hike and to be completely honest, i really enjoyed it. from cineleisure, we journeyed to somerset 313, to paragon, to ion and finally wound up at far east for the highlight of the day.

in total relevence to the title of this post, i hereby announce that i have just repierced my tongue. according to melvin, the gentleman who did the deed, i should avoid oral sex, french kissing and seafood for a month.

(unglam, but proves the stud is where it should be.)

WHAT? NO SEAFOOD?
sweet jesus mother of nancy.

concluded the day with dinner at 9 pm, had soup (resulting in current fits of uncontrollable HUNGER) because the tongue was, and is, for some reason swollen and hurting like a camel just stepped on it. i say this because there was hardly any pain the first three times, so the discomfort is pretty new.

ohh well.

to summarize, the day has been nothing short of spectacular. a great way to spend the off day and like i've been reassuring you readers in my previous posts, i really have never been happier.

(just because we're the cutest couple.)

to zee:

thank you for everything, and i hope you know the impact you have on me. like i've said before, as far as feelings go, nothing matters, save for the love we share now. cheesy as it is, i really do mean every word of it when i say you're zymazing and i can't imagine my life without you anymore. regardless of the idiotic things i say or do on occasion, which are completely unintentional, i hope you know that all that i really care about is you and how i can make you happy. forgive me for being the little stupid i am, and let's make this work.

ps: i'm really glad i could change your mind zymmie. xxx

disappointment's my new thing, i suppose.

having no expectations of a relationship has served me well over the years. for obvious reasons. for those who are to dense, i really am not going to bother.

having no expectations of a relationship, however, has not prepared me to deal with the crushing defeat of disappointment when you realize that someone you love manages to supersede the unthinkable: when they disappoint you beyond belief, and instead of trying to endeavor themselves to you, they go to the other extreme.

i've never understood men. or rather, to be fair, the men i have dated. why journey to the extremes? i've met men too nice, too much of a jackass, too smart, too himbotic, too handsome, too hideous, too snobbish, too much of a pushover and so on. why doesn't anyone settle for normal anymore?

honestly i'm starting to think that maybe i'm the problem. maybe the problem with me is that i don't have a problem with anything. maybe it's because i keep my hopes to myself and the expectations of the shelf. maybe it's because i don't have a checklist.

that's right boys, THE checklist.

you've heard it before i'm sure. the infamous list, the only one apart from schindler's that has got every girl obsessed. considered the woman's greatest essential, and the man's biggest enemy, the list determines, apparently, the happiness of people everywhere.

i, am somewhat an exception, i suspect, as i have but one criterion.

that i be loved for who i am, by someone capable of loving only me.

that and good sex. that's very important. oh and respect-slash-honesty as well. can't forget to throw that in.

okayy so three things. (i still think i make the exception though. most girls i know could publish theirs in volumes.) anyway, is that too much to ask? correct me if i'm wrong, but aren't these the fundamentals of any relationship?

if today is anything to go by, given what i've seen, i may as well have been educated by chimpanzees on the book of love. bahh. i sound pretty calm for someone who feels so humiliated, no?

much as realize the mockery at my expense, i can't help but feel somewhat relieved that i know. there is resentment, yes, but not toward whom you'd expect, and there is disappointment, also not for the reasons you suspect.

fiery words in fluctuating volumes were exchanged this afternoon, as well as arguments of the lesser evils. reasons were given, and excuses bought and swallowed. i guess when all's been said and done, i had to ask myself, how far i was willing to bend back for the sake of someone i'd die for.

lesser evil?

suppose that's where i got my answer.

if you are reading this, forgive me. i swear i will never speak of this again.

taste life.

yesterday morning at the schools was living hell. the demons could have eaten me alive!

kids. and why i'll never have them.

after the total nightmare, went to have lunch with ivan, then homed to sleep. woke up when the boyfr got back from work and made EGG MAYO!

oh, the joys of FOOD.

ingredients falling in nicely into the bowl is always a comfort. yesterday, i rediscovered the magic of food and why i fell in love with it in the first place.

even the simplest things, cheese and crackers (a la wallance and gromit!), hummus and pita bread, potato salad (only my version will do, of course.), sauteed mushrooms, baked potatoes with every filling you can imagine is sometimes enough to make me cry. the simplicity, combined with the startling complimenting flavours really can bring one down to earth.

theraputic, i call it. i missed this. homemade bites and snacks that i've neglected, i'm apologizing for how i've forgotten the way you make me feel.

romantisizing has never been in my character, but with food, it's a love affair. how could anyone not succumb to the majesty of foie gras, or be humbled by a peasent dish of ratatouille?

in short,

ohh egg mayo, the stuff of gods.

vent vent vent.

hence marks my official entrance into the ranks of music instructors. and guess what i'm teaching!

(oh stacy help me, i wish i were you.) the ukulele!

unfuckingbelievable. why this, why me? two schools to teach on my off day is not good for me, to say the least. first classes start the ungodly hour of 9 10. how in the world i'm going to survive a class full of demons when i'm only half conscious is beyond me.

on to other things. facebook is being a total bitch and my ability post random comments and other jizz like that is somewhat impared because of the missing 'enter comment' button. am so bored it isn't even funny. i miss being annoying on facebook.

sigh.

what a way to start the day. on top of 50 hour weeks, i come into the office and am told that my single off day is reduced to half it's span cos i have to teach in the morning. to top it all off, poor boyfriend is sick and i've been depriving him of sleep the last few nights because of my horrendous teeth-grinding. (sorry b!)

as they keep saying to me: welcome to the eighth note, sarah.

D:

show me the money!

whoever knew being a recep was so hard? fun work but challenging as hell. i swear to god the parents really drive me nuts though.

today marks day 7. next off day is wednesday and i'm so tired i can almost taste the break already. :(

mind over matter.

last few weeks have been especially tiring for some reason, and i've lost the motivation to keep myself updated on this online journal.

anyhow, i was thinking that day about a lot of shit that's happened recently and before i knew it, i caught myself thinking somewhere along the lines of "why me.". it's been a long time since i've felt this insecure about my standing in society, and despite everything, i really see no reason to start doubting myself again.

so here, if no where else, i am assuring myself again. i will not be intimidated by what people say, do or think, i will not be affected. i will not change myself unwillingly for something that i might not want in the first place. i will be who i am because that's the only person i'm supposed to be.

maybe this time.

did you know?

my life is like drinking red bull.

it gives me wings, but when i get too high, the sun melts the wax that attaches me to the feathers. and i fall, a little too hard, too fast.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i was different. someone a little less obsessive, and a whole lot more loving. maybe things would change. maybe then i would see things in a different light and be a lot happier with who i would be. then again, i wouldn't be me.

this emotional roller coaster has been hell and i can't take it anymore. i'm determined to be cold, because then, i can step back from everything and take the breather i need. a break from my own life, and go on a holiday from being me.

i want this.
i want this.
i want this.

so why does it feel like i'm losing everything?