tell me your favorite things.

heaviness of the heart is not as easily quantified as the amount of alcohol it takes to ease your mind into a state of calm. even after inebriation, the pain is not really gone, only temporarily numbed.

today i feel the weight press down ever harder and i fear i don't have much strength left in me to keep holding on. while there are those around me who worry and fret about my well being, i  find it difficult to cling on to the relationships i've been blessed with by opening up, because let's face it, i have no words to convey how i feel in the dark of the night.

here's the truth: when the world is asleep, i often lie awake tormented by my own demons. i tremble in trepidation of what lies my mind will be invaded by tonight, and i fear i will finally succumb to them and believe that i am worth nothing. the only thing that grounds me is my stubbornness, pride, and knowledge that i will finally ruin myself if i let go of everything i know is reality. tears leak and they are accompanied by the silent screams that i hold within because i refuse to be embarrassed even in solitude.

is feeling this way my fault? am i sick? there is no doubt in my mind that the very organ these questions are processed by is unhealthy. still, what is there to do, but sweat it out? i always have, and it's always worked. my sanity is guarded by my facade, which, by the way, is slipping. how will people see me then? as the song goes, nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard. is a moment's reprieve from this hell really too much to ask? i am sick of this life of dodging proverbial bullets, and sometimes questions to myself i can't answer.

i am tired of this lie.

what a hot water bottle heals.

it's hard to figure out which way is up sometimes, especially when it feels like i'm going under. the feelings of my emotional constipation cause restlessness which result in me giving no pause when it comes to words, often because they are absent thought. i wonder if there is anyone like me.

whenever this happens, i usually feel a sense of liberation, coupled with a dose of giddy euphoria, as it isn't often i allow myself to let slip this way. what follows, however, proves more bitter to swallow; self-doubt and anger (mostly at myself, though at times misdirected) consume me while i remember exactly why i choose to bite my tongue under circumstances i can control.

i blame not my mind, but my irrational emotions. and then realize that that doesn't make sense either. it's not fair to place blame when there are so many variables to consider, of which, so many i cannot foresee or affect. at this point, i wonder if i would have done anything differently, would i have known of what was to come, and more of then than not, the answer is no. why then, torture myself for things beyond my orbit of sway, you ask. because beyond this visage, there is a heart that fears change, and the terrifying unfamiliar territories that follow in its wake.

it's easy to blame this lack of judgement on things we all fall prey to at times; envy, anger, ego, sadness, even love. however, i know the truth of it is that i don't know what i want, and that my confusion confuses me. even that, i now see, i cannot take responsibility for. it's hard to navigate this river of piss and shit masquerading as a thing we call our society and culture. i feel poisoned, weakened by my lack of strength against desires i should not want. is it what i want? to be human, without the encumbrances of humanity?

fuck knows.

pacing myself on the way home.

it's been months since my last post, and i honestly have missed this space. will make an attempt to start blogging religiously again, as i know you avid fans of mine are constantly wondering what i'm up to in my exciting, colourful life.

since i've last blogged i've moved from robertson quay, to pasir ris, to woodlands, and finally to hougang, where i am now comfortably situated. along with this latest development, i have also travelled the most in one year than i've ever done the rest of my 24 year long life.

see, the thing about travelling that i love and adore is this: there are limitless possibilities. any number of things you can learn about another culture, another time, another person, even yourself. i don't know about the rest of you guys, but pieces of a puzzle i didn't even know about seem to come together when i explore the world. calmness comes from the knowledge that regardless of how man destroys, the earth regenerates and rebuilds. elation comes with the hope that more and more people are learning to live in joy with each other, even when the small-minded and dark-hearted hurl sticks and stones.

this is uncharacteristic of me, but my heart sings when i think of how lucky i am to be alive. there is much i don't know, and much i have heard but do not understand.. the good part is that i have time to live these experiences and learn from them.

i am a free and fortunate human being. i am happy.

knock me to the ground.

hello everyone. there's been a lot going in my life, things that are mine to talk about, and things that aren't. the way the past few months have been going on, coupled with what i've witnessed in people and circumstance, i think i've changed.

of late, my heart feels full. it feels about ready to burst. i know it's not normal to suddenly feel like bursting into tears in the middle of the day because i suddenly realize that i'm alone somewhere and that there's no one to witness my embarrassment, but i do it anyway. after that i feel as alone as i always do, but there are no more tears, and i'm stuck; there's no lubricant for my emotional constipation.

this is raw emotion. this is me.

i am afraid of my cowardice to chase what i know i can achieve, for i fear that my ambition overreaches my abilities. i'm disgusted with my facade of being self-assured, for i feel i have nothing t draw this confidence from. i feel empty, because i know i have so much that i simply cannot appreciate. i feel inexplicably drained, even when i know i have much to look forward to, much to live for, and much to give.

i have no faith in the intangible, which is unfortunate, seeing that there really isn't much i can see that's of much encouragement at the moment. perhaps, a step back is in order.

i miss life.

change a long time coming.

i've said this before, the media is a loaded gun that can be used for good or evil. this applies to all kinds of media starting but not limited to the newpaper, the straits times, the evening news, mtv, blogs, facebook and twitter.

i've had enough of this crap. people are talking about anton casey, about stephanie whatsherface, about justin beiber egging his neighbour's house, about breaking bad and real housewives. there isn't enough talk about things that concern us people, we are a culture that now feeds on gossip and entertainment. the mass effect of the fact that a majority would rather be entertained than informed is that all we get now, yes even on the news, is horsehit.

what a lot of people who fundamentally believe the same things i do, but fail to understand is this: the nonsense that plagues our daily lives is not a product of a media house that is owned by the government (i know that i'm going to catch a lot of flak for this but here it is.), it is because people choose what they want to see, and every person in this country, scratch that, THE WORLD, are after ratings because that is materialism in the purest form of the word. it is everyone's self interest to give the world what the world wants to see and hear. this, ladies and gentlemen, is the problem.

am i qualified to make this statement? yes. i'm speaking as a citizen of the world, a person who is concerned by world hunger, xenophobia and blanket discrimination, war, poverty, and not as a child who is concerned by what kim kardashian's baby wore last tuesday. there wasn't a time in my life that i wanted to write because i was interested in fashion, or penning weekend columns in women's weekly on "10 ways to please your man". what concerns me is not consumerism or pandas dying out, but the state of our spot in this universe that my generation and our descendents have to learn to thrive in.

what angers me the most about media today is that it is being abused. not just the main vein, but the social platforms that allow people who are grossly misinformed the leeway to publicly incite hatred, spread half truths or just outright lies, and keep the bandwagon of idiots on the road to self destruction going on an incredibly large platform. these people do not need to be validated. they need to be educated.

personal experience with many people who claim political apathy has taught me that people misspeak because they do not know what the word apathy means. this is, of course another cause of contention for me, as i care about the standard of education and general ignorance deteriorating and escalating, in that order. does this affect me on a personal level? when i think about the future, yes. i for one, do not want to live on a planet where the state of man is a in a constant state of regression. but i digress.

here's a lesson because i simply cannot take it anymore. political apathy is knowing that whatever systems we currently have IS NOT WORKING. political apathy is NOT voting for the opposition just because we don't think the party in power is not doing a good job. political apathy is being aware that the alternative solution that is presently available is not necessarily the solution. political apathy is knowing that we can be better, but no one is inspiring positive change, because we're too busy expecting the higher ups to come up with something better, while we at the spend none of that time thinking of what actually can be done.

people bash governments all the time. yes, i understand that this is what people do. it is also what politicians do, because no one is perfect, therefore our policies, rules and terms of government, by extension, will never make the cut of a utopian society. much as i believe that more people should understand this, i also think that people need to start believing in our ability, as a human race, to be better.

the media is a loaded gun. we, the people of the world, pick the ammunition. what we need to stop doing is to incite hatred, spread fear, discrimination of any kind, complacency, and the decadence we are used to. we need to start sharing more, giving more, loving more, living more, and caring more about what we say, do and yes, even think. we are all products of a society that has been spoiled by the riches that our grandfathers worked their asses for. it's time we start learning the value of these lessons, and indeed, start going through them ourselves. because honestly, it's getting old people, and i'm starting to get embarrassed.

we could.

HELLO EVERYONE.

as you can probably tell, am in a relatively good mood today. last night saw grinny and i pacing ourselves drinks-wise, and behaving like adorable obedient school children. unfortunately, even the mood of the evening couldn't stop us from staying up till the ass crack of dawn, so here we are at 3, having not woken up too long ago, and getting dressed for a day of fun and adventure.

FORT CANNING, TAWANDANG, CHIPS/PUNCH, here we come!

happy weekends all! xx

faithless and trying.

this entire situation is quite surreal. i realized two days ago that nothing is real; none of this joy, sadness or pain. perception is truth, something i used to say a lot and more importantly, believed in. the journey that i've been on the last few weeks (read: years) has brought me to a singular conclusion, that nothing can be absolute. there isn't a single thing that i previously believed in, when i was still enlightened i mean, that has been proved wrong. the trivialities of life have since weighed me down.

as a person, i've backslided. i've disappointed people around me, as much, if not more, than i have disappointed myself. the worst part is that i've known this for ages, but have done absolutely fuck all about it. the reality of this hit me hard two nights ago, and i've been in a state of reflection ever since.

things come and go. so do feelings, people, and circumstances. i'm just here, left to do the best i can in whatever way i know how. i don't want to be stagnant. i want to keep learning.

i want to be better.

i regret nothing.

hello everyone just stopping by to let everyone know i'm still alive and well. haven't been writing here as the last two weeks have been busy with my moving out of the house and getting my life sorted. of course, apart from all that's been going on, there is always a life lesson that comes as a side dish.

i suppose the worst part of this disaster is dealing with the rude shock that your friends aren't necessarily going to be there for you when you need them. the ones who are, though, are few but infinitely more value-adding than all those who are not put together.

to my friends, eva, blairkins, stuart, stew, krys, han, mohawk, mitchers, and basically anyone who bothered to hang out, call or just ask if i was doing okayy, thank you. i needed the comfort of friendship just so i didn't feel alone, and you guys didn't disappoint.

SO MUCH LOVE FOR ALL OF YOU.

when it's time to let you go.

today finds me feeling ill, dejected and discouraged. as always, the promise that the day can only get better is the only thing holding me together.

i've been working on my writing relentlessly, and i find that i don't feel the same magic reading the words that i felt writing them. i wonder if this is true for all writers, if they know the pain of finding something wrong or missing, but not knowing how to fix it.

i desperately need proof readers.

in other news, i've also been spending last week getting over the disappointments of the one before. not quite there yet, but i now know there's nothing for it but to keep pushing on. after all, everything's survivable (except that last thing) is it not? i keep telling myself that i will be better for this.

just hope i'm right i guess.

rusty bolts.

was talking to scandal last night and we were discussing a variety of things, none too cheerful a topic. couldn't sleep after so i just lay awake thinking how difficult it is to be completely honest with yourself, let alone another person. i'm sick of being sad, there is just too much going on that i'm missing.

instead of offering meaningless apologies, why can't people just stop doing things that hurt the ones they claim they care about? been wondering for some time why i always fall for the same fucking trick, and i suppose that it's because i've always believed that i'd never know unless i suppressed my fear and went for it. i now understand that blind faith in people is just setting myself up for disappointment. after all these years, i realize i still don't know you. i thought you were my friend.

i thought i was done with this feeling after a never ending torrent of disappointment. then you come along and add one more notch to the scoreboard. i suppose in some way, the effect was amplified because i was never afraid of being scarred, not by you. i trusted you.

clearly, that was a mistake. as house would say, everybody lies.

lift off.

i think that after all this time, i'm finally capable of moving on. i don't like grudges, so believe me when i say that after the anger and weariness fades, there is no hatred, simply because i have neither the time nor energy for it.

friends of mine know only all to well what a hopeless romantic i am. though i try to deny myself the pleasure of being completely indulgent in a relationship (or the beginning of what could be), it never quite works out. i understand what you did, but it doesn't mean that it was right. i just hope for the sake of your conscience that the next girl's heart you break, you realize that the very least she deserves is the truth.

BR, i wish you nothing but happiness and joy. your letter was sad and touching, it made me cry and it made me miss you, but it doesn't change the fact that we've missed that window. you're with someone else now, and for what it's worth, i hope you find peace with someone you love as opposed to settle for; if not with her, than someone else out there who's just for you.

don't be sad anymore.. you deserve better.

the wreck of 86'.

haven't been blogging of late (just a mild exaggeration!), but not sure if anyone's has missed me anyway. as usual, while a major emotional slump was the trigger for this sabbatical, the catalysts still have not been addressed, though identified. though i suppose in someways, that's half the battle already won.

thankfully, i have not been drowning in depression all this time. thanks to SCANDAL, my writing, music and a certain someone i've met and since (somewhat) let go of, the days have been getting a little better and i'm taking things one week at a time. while the agony that hits hardest in the morning slowly gets a little more bearable with each sunrise, i find now that what i've been though in the last 6 months of my life has not been in vain. i am stronger, better and less vulnerable, because i now choose to be.

in other news, another reason why i won't go into detail with regards to what i've been doing the past half year is because a lot of it is in the book i've been working on. this project that has been set in motion since may is well on it's way to completion, and i have to say that i am quite pleased with the product. however, i do need more feedback and am looking for a few readers to which i will release just the first mini chapter. if anyone i know out there is interested and is willing to spare a few minutes, please let me know!

p.s.: i went to youtube to get the embed for the video and realized glee did a cover of this song. it was bloody terrible. why are people still watching this crap?

too much, of too many things.

i have only just come to the realization that i have too many things i want to do. the only reason i am sharing this is because i think many people feel the way i do; lost, hopeless, drained and insecure.

i spent today being intimate with myself. don't let your dirty minds wander.. i mean that i had the afternoon to myself to reflect and meditate on what i have accomplished. frankly i am a 23 year old, starting her own business not knowing what to expect. while i feel inferior to many people, i don't want to forget what i have accomplished so far.

maybe i just need to calm the fuck down. i've been too hard on myself lately, or so i've been told. i have written here that being lost in life every once in while is a good thing, but what do you do when you can't find your way home?

for to be wise, and love, exceeds a man's might.

last night, i couldn't sleep. thoughts filled my mind and it was just too overwhelming. i watched the sun come up as i had a puffed my way through the pack of cigarettes i just bought, pondering the great mysteries of life.

i say the words "great mysteries of life" out loud to no one, and then wonder if they are just great mysteries to me. i think about other people in the world who wonder about the same things i do and think about what could have happened in their lives to make them think the way they do. i wonder if they are as tired as i am, and if they have as many sleepless nights.

i wonder what they are doing with their lives.. if they have partners, and if they do, do they feel complete? i think of my existence and i think about how i have affected those around me. i imagine how i could have impacted their lives on varying levels, good and bad, and how many of them will still remember me in 20 years.

as i listen to the sounds of moog and erin renee, i wonder what went through their minds as they wrote their songs. i decide to google their lives when i have the time. i tell myself to think about things that make me happy. my mind goes blank for awhile, then i think of crayons and color pencils, silly putty, bacon, tree houses (always wanted one of those), a baby grand piano, a beach that goes on forever, and love. i stop. i decided i've done enough smoking for one night and head for bed. only i can't, so i decide to meditate, and let my soul have some rest.

today has me wondering if my heart is just not ready. it also has me fearing the possibility that it may never be. what i need is to find assurance that inner strength is more than what i have to offer people, and that i am already whole.

i suppose, for too long, i've let the world define me and my place in it. getting lost once in awhile is all very fine and well, but i'm tired of being a wanderer. this exhaustion is all consuming, and while satisfying at times, i can go no further. now, if only i had the discipline to live the way i want, and let the lure of unattainable destinations tempt me no more.

maybe, then, i could sleep.

goodbyes this way.

trust.. faith? i know not what would be appropriate to say to myself tonight. i am blessed to have friends like pat around me, for the warmth only good company can offer. at the same time, i suppose i'm looking for something more.. maybe just more. realistic or no?

and suddenly there's nothing left to say, but that i cared too much too long. i am 23 years of age now, but i feel a lot, a lot older.

it's been a so-so birthday, but thank you to all for the love. xxx

happy, together.

just being friends and hanging out.

today was one of the better ones this week. spent the first half of the day working and being nine kinds of productive then went to watch the croods with K. i had a nice time.

K, in case any of you are wondering, is someone i've known pretty much since birth, our families being long time friends. we used to go to church together and we never got along. his sister happened to spot me at a club last year and K was with her. just like that, we reconnected through a chance encounter. now a year later, we're getting progressively closer and it's really incredible when you realize how so much can change and how so much stays the same.

it's times like these that i can't help but be amazed at how people can stay with you even when they leave. it's just makes their reappearance in your life all the more impactful. so to friends like K and Su (whose prettiness prefaced this post.), who were pretty much MIA for awhile (okay, a long while.), i'm glad you're back and i'm thankful to have you in my world. you guys know who you are.

also, croods was pretty fucking awesome.

somewhere to begin.

for too long, it seems that i've had front row seats to my own life. always close enough to smell the sweat, but still merely a spectator to the things that are happening.

sure, i get sad, but nearly everything gets me down these days. emotional, yes. it's a wonder how i still feel so utterly detached from the reality of everything. as i'm typing this, i wonder is any one has ever felt the same way i do. probably.

someone said that one of my previous posts seemed pretentious. i don't think i was really offended. i don't think i knew how to react.  i can't even remember what i said. i wonder what that person really thinks of me. does he see vulnerability, hypocrisy, anger, bitterness, loneliness or fear.. what? i don't know if i care.

after days of mulling it over, i still don't know what i was thinking what i wrote what i did down in that particular post. i don't know why i have this sick compulsion to care what people think, and try to change their perception of me for the better. i don't know what it really means when i say that because i can't be sure that i give a rat's ass in the first place.

i know i'm confused. i'm probably not as messed up as i think i am. but who'd know, seriously.

stone cold sober.

today, i feel everything. i am thoroughly exhausted by the strain of caring too much, too often, and i feel stretched out too thin. i am breaking apart and i feel dissatisfied, disappointed, disillusioned. i feel alone, ugly, incapable, useless, and unloved. i feel utterly empty. completely depleted.

as with all my relationships, the pressure of expectations never fails to bring anything good to it's knees. this is true of the relationship i have with myself. i have lost respect, and gained only scorn for what i can only say is a shadow of my former self. i realize today that after everything that has happened since the beginning of last year, i am devoid of hope. i do not think i deserve better anymore. i do not love me anymore, and today i realize this.

to whoever is out there reading this, it may sound like something out of a suicide letter, or something equally depressing that, i don't know, maybe secondhand serenade could be responsible for. excuse this uncharacteristic surge of sadness that envelops me today, because unlike the rest, i find no comfort in anything.

there is no intention to induce guilt, pity, or even concern here. this is not a cry for help, nor is it a plea for companionship in my misery (yes, misery.), only indulgence in allowing myself to mark this day so i will remember the way this feels for the rest of my life. i do not like this, and for the sake of never ever having to feel like this again, i will be better.

with every sob that inevitably makes me choke a little, i convince myself that i am letting go. i do not know if this is true, but i suppose in some small way it makes me feel better. i don't know where all this is coming from but it feels like taking a breath for the first time. feel i liberated, but i honestly don't know what from. maybe now i can move forward, even without knowing what i'm leaving behind. just one of those days, maybe.

today, i feel everything.

people.

i find that people have a hard time believing how socially retarded i am. perhaps it's the bluntness of my words, or the eloquence of my speech that leads them to believe that i just don't care what people think of me. while that is also true, the fact that all this stems from my awkwardness as a child (and this has grown with me) cannot be denied.

sometimes i tell people that i do not do well with expression of emotions, and they say that it's clearly a lie. to them i say, you clearly don't know me too well. tis' true that i have never had a problem expressing my views and voicing my opinions about things going on around me, but it has always been difficult to internalize that thought process when it comes to dealing with my own issues.

just to be clear, this is really me trying to get word out on how frustrating it is to be constantly guaged by one facet of my character, when i have many. i am not saying i am special for thinking this. i'm sure that there are many who feel the same but do not have the words to adequately describe what they are going through. i've never thought myself part of a crowd, nor have i ever thought i was special. while this may sound like a paradox to you, it really is true. as a child i never really fit in, and though it bothered me for a few years, i suppose that somewhere along the way, i've just given up trying to fit someone else's bill. this does not make me interesting or unique.

this just makes me me trying to be a better version of me.

hush.

tremble,
because you don't have any other excuse for an illness.
shake,
because you don't have another reason to leave.

listen,
because you don't have anything (or anyone) else to speak to
but me.

so take me and don't let me go,
still me,
while i still feel like i need you.

don't silence this thought,
you know not what it's like in the dead of the night.

it's too much sometimes,
that immeasurable task of living life.

maybe i just want to be.

quiet.

maybe i just need,
you.