a little ode to the magic we take for granted.

happiness, i've learned,
can be quantified. the rustle,
the musky smell of it's yellowed, aged pages.
in fairy tales, chronicles, in tomes of poetry,
i find the solace
which replaces solitude that rarely evades me
in the quiet hours.

pacing myself on the way home.

it's been months since my last post, and i honestly have missed this space. will make an attempt to start blogging religiously again, as i know you avid fans of mine are constantly wondering what i'm up to in my exciting, colourful life.

since i've last blogged i've moved from robertson quay, to pasir ris, to woodlands, and finally to hougang, where i am now comfortably situated. along with this latest development, i have also travelled the most in one year than i've ever done the rest of my 24 year long life.

see, the thing about travelling that i love and adore is this: there are limitless possibilities. any number of things you can learn about another culture, another time, another person, even yourself. i don't know about the rest of you guys, but pieces of a puzzle i didn't even know about seem to come together when i explore the world. calmness comes from the knowledge that regardless of how man destroys, the earth regenerates and rebuilds. elation comes with the hope that more and more people are learning to live in joy with each other, even when the small-minded and dark-hearted hurl sticks and stones.

this is uncharacteristic of me, but my heart sings when i think of how lucky i am to be alive. there is much i don't know, and much i have heard but do not understand.. the good part is that i have time to live these experiences and learn from them.

i am a free and fortunate human being. i am happy.

empty cups.

with every passing moment, there is a weight onto my heart thst grows steadily heavier. it has always been the assumtion that the longer i lived, the wiser i would be. what no one tells you is that there is no corelation between age and wisdom. there is no measure for the things you understand, and the things you don't. just in case anyone has told you otherwise, age is the most unreliable factor.

i am currently in a relationship with a man who refuses to define the connection between us. this would not have bothered me a few years ago, because i would have gotten what i wanted out of the man and pretty much left him alone. what is different in this relationship is that i feel that he should feel the need to connect and acknowledge that we have something different than the average "fuck buddy" nonsense that is so rampant nowadays.

whether or not this is possessiveness speaking, i do not know. but what i do know is exactly what i want. i need a man that needs me. a person who respects me for who i am, and loves my flaws as much as he loves the other bits of me he does like. what i need in my life is someone who realizes that there is no such thing as a perfect person, but sees me as the closest thing he can get to it.

i am no angel, i am nothing. i am horribly insecure and terribly dependent on people for my happiness. but i am kind, loving, sweet, generous, not jealous or paranoid. i deserve better than wondering if i'm someone this guy settles for just because we're in the same country.

or do i? i catch myself wondering if this is all i'm made for; ever the transitional girlfriend.

it hurts feeling like i'm never good enough for people, or that i don't deserve anything or anyone better. my confidence is completely depleted and i have no sense of self worth anymore.

it's been awhile, confidence, and i need you back.