maybe, is a viscious little word that could slay me.

so last night was a mix of confusing events. plans never turn out the way they're supposed to, no? growing pains were never meant to be this exaggerated. feeling like shit at the moment, but really that doesn't help anything.

alcoholics anon meeting tonight. we'll see if any of this was worth anything at all. prediction: i come home from the meeting tonight feeling more like hell than i already do.

on addictions and the pains they cause, i realized that it can all be summarized in three little words: JUST. CAN'T. STOP.

and not just to alcohol, also to the addictions of the heart. but then again, i won't say im sorry.

out of cigarettes.

am currently obsessed with the likes of julie london.



afternoons with a cold coffee and the dame just don't get any better than this, i have to say. unless we're talking about a warm body next to mine hahaa.

ron, or ron. i curse the seas that separate us :(

the story behind 701151

we'll go to greece
see the statue of leonaides
and pick the soil of where the 300 fell
then i'd say
'pfft. you wouldnt remember to take some if i werent here to remind you'
:]
the sand was DIRTYYYY
tsk
and they didn't let me bring the mud through immigration
so it's not my fault
then we;d go to puerto rico
have wine as the guy paddles the boat under bridges
it sounds lovely
i'd propose to you on the Garita on a lovely evening
and we'd go to las vegas to get married
then we'd gamble at reno



i'd give almost anything to feel this way again.

poor slob without a name.

to all who don't already know, i, sarah t, has been trying to quit drinking. granted, the total abstinence has not won, but it cannot be denied that my intake has been cut down.. DRASTICALLY. trying to quit an addiction seems more painful than anything else in the world, does it not?

i for one, should know about this particular kind of pain. i've had more than my fair share of going cold turkey, more than most i know anyway. drugs, for one. smoking (at one point), and now drinking. not to mention the addiction to relationships that i don't think i'll ever be able to give up.

today i had a conversation with tee. it lasted just over a minute, i should think. but to me it seemed the most enjoyable minute of my life. bear with me folks, i know by now you guys should be sick and tired of me revisiting this particular relationship, but at this point i really can't help it.

first, anticipation of his reaction, disappointment that he already so soon has forgotten my name, happiness that he was at very least civil, bitterness that our brief conversation was over, and nauseatingly, love, reminiscing about all that we've had and lost.

question:

is it entirely possible that physical addictions are easier to give up because your body is relying on them, and not your heart?

technically, moods and emotions are caused by chemical changes in one's body, and therefore makes heartaches a physical reaction. why is it though, that we can't simply direct our passions to another source? although heartaches are called just that, this particular organ has nothing to do with it, no?

le sigh.
am very,
very confused.

to be honest, i don't really care about the answers to all these questions. though curious by nature, i have never been one to ask these things because i do believe in love. or did. i don't know anymore. it's just.. talking to him today made me miss being in a relationship with him. is that even true? maybe it's just the companionship i want, but who's to know?

all in all, it's been a horrible year, and i've been trying my hardest to turn it around. it's just, seeing how i've got nothing to be happy about, only makes it more obvious my efforts have not been paying off. looking optimistic has suddenly become very hard and it sometimes feels like this is my only outlet.

so thanks to blogger, i guess, for listening and being one of the remaining faithful friends i'm proud to have. god knows there aren't too many of you left.

hell, if you want something done right, you just do it yourself.

the road to recovery is never really as easy as people make it sound aye. nonetheless it's a road we all must take at one point in our lives or another, so why wait?

revelations that stem from advice is never new, but the difference between the two somehow always seems to be the one giving it. thus far, i have failed to see that i don't deserve to be treated like some hand-me-down. here, is where i've ended up.

confidence has always been once of my strongest traits, and often the cause of my downfall. whatever happens in between.. well that's another story. two months ago when my parents learned of what was transpiring between tee and i, they uged me to quit. i was so cock-sure that the place i was was where i was meant to be that i told them there was no need to worry. sooner or later, the work and stress would pay off. obviously i couldn't be more wrong. also, it was the confidence that i would never again be stuck in this awkward predicament that i stubbornly refused to plan an escape route. well.

so boys and girls, today (at this ungodly hour) i am pleased to inform you that i have identified the problem and come up with a screening process for all the decisions i am making and will have to make in the future. topic: end goal.

we all know what the secret to success is. believe in yourself, and others will believe in you. of course, a wide network, good attitude, the right aptitude, charisma, and talent are also crucial ingredients. plus being naturally good looking never hurt anyone.

the most important of all, though, is direction. everything should have a time, place and purpose. i've forgotten that.

chasing paper and getting by is the concept that most singaporeans are familiar with. but i am sick and tired of this routine. most of all, i am sick of this blind confidence in people, including myself, that has gotten me absofuckingly nowhere.

i'm breaking out of this mold. from now on, everything i do will be deliberate. i will not be swayed and i will not subject myself to whim any longer. or god help me, my name isn't sarah.