empty cups.

with every passing moment, there is a weight onto my heart thst grows steadily heavier. it has always been the assumtion that the longer i lived, the wiser i would be. what no one tells you is that there is no corelation between age and wisdom. there is no measure for the things you understand, and the things you don't. just in case anyone has told you otherwise, age is the most unreliable factor.

i am currently in a relationship with a man who refuses to define the connection between us. this would not have bothered me a few years ago, because i would have gotten what i wanted out of the man and pretty much left him alone. what is different in this relationship is that i feel that he should feel the need to connect and acknowledge that we have something different than the average "fuck buddy" nonsense that is so rampant nowadays.

whether or not this is possessiveness speaking, i do not know. but what i do know is exactly what i want. i need a man that needs me. a person who respects me for who i am, and loves my flaws as much as he loves the other bits of me he does like. what i need in my life is someone who realizes that there is no such thing as a perfect person, but sees me as the closest thing he can get to it.

i am no angel, i am nothing. i am horribly insecure and terribly dependent on people for my happiness. but i am kind, loving, sweet, generous, not jealous or paranoid. i deserve better than wondering if i'm someone this guy settles for just because we're in the same country.

or do i? i catch myself wondering if this is all i'm made for; ever the transitional girlfriend.

it hurts feeling like i'm never good enough for people, or that i don't deserve anything or anyone better. my confidence is completely depleted and i have no sense of self worth anymore.

it's been awhile, confidence, and i need you back.

knock me to the ground.

hello everyone. there's been a lot going in my life, things that are mine to talk about, and things that aren't. the way the past few months have been going on, coupled with what i've witnessed in people and circumstance, i think i've changed.

of late, my heart feels full. it feels about ready to burst. i know it's not normal to suddenly feel like bursting into tears in the middle of the day because i suddenly realize that i'm alone somewhere and that there's no one to witness my embarrassment, but i do it anyway. after that i feel as alone as i always do, but there are no more tears, and i'm stuck; there's no lubricant for my emotional constipation.

this is raw emotion. this is me.

i am afraid of my cowardice to chase what i know i can achieve, for i fear that my ambition overreaches my abilities. i'm disgusted with my facade of being self-assured, for i feel i have nothing t draw this confidence from. i feel empty, because i know i have so much that i simply cannot appreciate. i feel inexplicably drained, even when i know i have much to look forward to, much to live for, and much to give.

i have no faith in the intangible, which is unfortunate, seeing that there really isn't much i can see that's of much encouragement at the moment. perhaps, a step back is in order.

i miss life.

he could never be as good as you.

there are songs that will haunt you for the rest of your life. songs that you wish you never heard because the context in which you heard them is too painful.

this. this is my song.