i promise.

life is exhausting. it stresses me out on a daily basis and i feel the burden of every passing moment accumulating with each step. i suppose that i just need to take a step back and tell myself everything is going to be okayy sometimes.

i'd rather be tired than dead i suppose.

i could use another cigarette.

it is possibly in the dreaded heat of the afternoon that i find the most solace.

it looks like rain tonight.

prejudice. a preconceived opinion not based on factual circumstance.

"it's what's on the inside that counts." is the popular adage that people chant, as if a mantra to rescue themselves from the vanity that defines us. to be completely honest, the irony is not lost on me, as i find that it's most often the lazy ones, or people who think they're too hip to care how they look, that use these words to justify their outward appearance. of course this account is going to be on the losing the genetic lottery and how it molded me.

meet me, a five year old, whose mother religiously pulls my hair into pig tails everyday before school, is suddenly confronted with the reality that there is no such thing as expecting to be acknowledged for one's intentions rather than practice. this was the revelation stemming from whence my kindergarten teacher jokingly told me, after being made cry by a group of boys' persistant teasing, that eating flowers would make you pretty.

ohh the flowers i consumed. (denial.)

while an inappropriate thing to say to a child, i assume she had said this harboring only all the love in the world. the only thing in mind a hope to alleviate a kid's juvenile insecurities. what she did not know was the ripple effect this off-hand remark would cause and indeed, affect the rest of my life.

a few months after this, my mother caught me stuffing my face with ixora flowers, and you can guess the rest. the teacher was duly reprimanded after my mother dear raised hell at the school, i, of course was devastated that my looks just were and no amount of flowers could change that. (anger.)

a series of what most people would call unfortunate events eventually saw me a withdrawn, jaded, broken youth. desperate for attention others around me got, seemingly without trying, i consciously  began to change the way i spoke and walked. though i had exceptional learning skills, and could read and understand and process the likes of dickens and twain, i purposefully pretended to be at the same level as my classmates.. the likes of which were at the time struggling to get through some fluff by enid blyton. so intense was the desire to fit in that i deliberately denied myself what i wanted, what i could do, and who i was. (bargaining.) bear in mind, these were the during the tender growing years of a primary schooler.

prejudice. a preconceived opinion not based on reason. the way others perceived me was the way i, in turn, saw myself. in other words, being alienated by my-aged peers was the direct cause of my self-loathing. (depression.)

things changed when i got to the ripe old age of eleven. perhaps it was the exhaustion of constantly trying too hard to please those around me, the humiliation of begging for affirmation, maybe just the way i couldn't bring myself to meet my own gaze in the mirror, or more likely, an accumulation of the above and several other trivialities, but i decided that there were better things to fret about than winning over the masses. (acceptance.)

prejudice. a preconceived opinion not based on experience. the way others perceived me no longer mattered, because they who did not bother to know me did not deserve to. in other words, being ostracized was paving the way to independence, inner strength and the ability to let that which does not matter truly.. slide.

what the FUCK.

this is the most appalling road-conduct i've ever seen. i'm shocked that this isn't going viral as of yet, but it fucking should. whoever you are, you bloody bully, you should be shot.

to those watching, the first two minutes of the video is a display of irresponsible, hazardous, and completely unnecessary tail-gating. skip to 2:08 and prepare to be mortified.

i do not understand the rationale behind such jackassery and you, truck driver, should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself. you are the reason traffic laws as stringent as ours exist, as well as the reason the people around me disapprove of my wanting a license.

i have heard that driving schools advise their students to ride in the middle of the lane, so as to avoid unintentionally extending an invitation to other vehicles to cut into their lane. apparently no precaution is enough to deal with impatience, general lack of etiquette and fundamental lack of respect for life.

i am appalled at his conduct, as well as angry at the fact that this happens everyday. people of singapore, there is really no place in the world you have to get to that warrants impatience like that. it's all very fine and well that this is on video and you are horrified by this fucking asshole's actions, but take it a step further and put yourself in the position of the innocent motorist that got hurt.

thousands of people get hurt every single day because of inconsiderate, rude dicks that drive like they're on the road alone. if you're a driver, please take into account that everyone has people who love and care them and there will never be a good enough reason to put their lives in danger. if you consider yourself a safe driver, take precaution because you could just as easily be a victim of above-mentioned horseshit.



god, i'm still fuming.

bile.

the last few days has seen me thrown into a cesspool of conflicting, confusing emotions. is it weird that i know what i'm doing is right, but in the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach just won't go away?

i suppose it's only human to feel this way. angry, relieved, bitter, liberated, helpless, hopeful, and all that jazz. i don't want to fight it, but just maybe.. my system can't handle this much. should the human heart be the actual hub for emotional activity, i'm pretty sure i would have gone straight into cardiac arrest by now.

still, nothing can be done, people of the internet. nothing can be done.

and we all know that if nothing can be done, simply do.. nothing.

in a place like this.

it's not the greatest country in the world professor, that's my answer.

sharon, the NEA is a loser, yeah it accounts for a penny out of our paycheck, but he gets to hit you with it anytime he wants. it doesn't cost money it costs votes, it costs air time and column inches. you know why people don't like liberals? cause they lose, if liberals are so fucking smart how come they lose so god damn always? and with a straight face your going to tell students that america is so star spangled awesome that we're the only ones in the world who have freedom? canada has freedom, japan has freedom. the UK, france, italy, germany, spain, australia, belgium has freedom, so 207 sovereign states in the world and like 180 have freedom.

and yeah, you, sorority girl, just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there's some things you should know and one of them is there's absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we're the greatest country in the world.

we're seventh in literacy, twenty-seventh in math, twenty-second in science, forty-ninth in life expectancy, one hundred and seventy-eighth in infant mortality, third in median house hold income, number four in labor force and number four in exports.

we lead the world in only three categories, number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real and defense spending where we spend more than the next twenty-six countries combined, twenty-five of whom are allies.

now none of this is the fault of a twenty year old college student, but you nonetheless are without a doubt a member of the worst,  period, generation, period, ever, period. so when you ask what makes us the greatest country in the world I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

sure, we used to be. we stood up for what was right, we fought for moral reasons, we passed laws, struck down laws for moral reasons. we waged wars on poverty, not poor people. we sacrificed, we cared about our neighbors, we put our money where our mouths were and we never beat our chests, we built great big things, made ungodly technological advances, explored the universe, cured diseases, and we cultivated the worlds greatest artists and the world's greatest economy. we reached for the stars, acted like men, we aspired to intelligence we didn't belittle it, it didn't make us feel inferior. We didn't identify ourselves by who we voted for in the last election and we didn't scare so easy. we were able to be all these things and do all these things because we were informed, by great men, men who were revered.

first step in solving any problem is recognizing there is one.

america is not the greatest country in the world anymore.

will mcavoy, the newsroom

on the current state of america's constitution

probably one of the  most inspiring things i've heard recently. to be perfectly honest, i believe that this not just applies to america, but everywhere in the world. it's a fact that while the world used to aspire and dream of greater things, money is now generally the motivator for what people do.

a recent conversation with an incredibly intelligent individual proves this. while  singaporeans whine and bitch so much, they tend to forget that while they take their place here for granted, so many others are dying to take their place.

yes, living here is expensive, fast-paced, stressful at times. there are many laws to follow, and harsh punishments dealt when the former has been violated. i think these are conditions set for positive growth, factors that should strengthen our will to succeed, which is obviously nothing to complain about. strangely, very few people see things this way.

keep your coins, singaporeans. i want change.

if you call me home.

every once in awhile, you learn that you can be wrong about someone. someone you thought you knew everything about, has changed. and maybe, things will be better. change has it's consistency today, as it had yesterday, and will have tomorrow.

words have power, just as they can come to naught.. but maybe just tonight, i'm too young, too tired for games. shall be happy and content, and live in the moment. complications are overrated anyway.

to family, friends, and romance.

but i'm not done with the night.

with every new year, comes a tide of people making resolutions armed with confidence that they will abide by them. reflection on the past year and the analysis of time spent well and wasted is more the norm for me, however.

the last year has proved surprisingly fruitful in it's own way. while i won't delve into the details, i will say that it's the best one i've had in recent years.

so to 2013, i say this:

BRING THE RAIN.

bring on the harrowing days, sleepless nights, heartache, tears and the sweetness of success. the daily struggles will be battles that the better part of me will sometimes lose, but i will win this war against my weaknesses and fear. i will try my hardest to be happy here on out, no other resolutions necessary.

much love to everyone in my life that made this year that much more special. thank you for being uniquely you because without you i wouldn't be me. may all of you find joy this year and be as blessed as you have blessed me. you know who you are.

xxx