my cherie amour.

once again another hiatus. but you all musta missed me. :]

recently has been up to more than i can handle. lost someone dear, gained a new enemy, fell out of love, fell head over heels, got transferred to another outlet at work, quit my job, etc.

of course, none of it is ever all good or all bad, but probably the most painful lesson i've learnt is never to expect anything from anyone, really.

boyfriend is a darling and i feel i don't deserve him sometimes, but i know he loves me and that's more than enough for a little girl like me. haa, the irony.

all this time a-wasted chasing after something permanent with a child, while what i really need is a MAN.

HAA.
ohh rara papaya you are insane.

but as boy would say, it's endearing (sometimes).

anyways, the last few weeks have been about finding myself and what i really want i think most will be glad to know how much i've thought things though and got everything sorted out. am now happier than i've been in the last few months and am truly glad to have gotten rid of the heaviest burden in the world.

i miss how nicely words fall beside each other. i've forgotten how good it feels to put my thoughts on a page.

this was nice, thanks.

<3

don't cry for me.

it's been awhile, to say the least, but it's not that i have no intrest, but simply put, no time.

it's been hectic as hell for me, and i'm sure, for a billion other people and i've been nomadic as ever. however, i'm finally going back to where i came from.

yes folks, i'm moving back to bedok, and probably in febuary, hougang will be my new home. confusing as it is, i'll try to keep it simple. reuniting with a family you've somehow strayed from is never that easy.

fearful as i am of the oncoming future, i will persevere and hopefully come out stronger.

& everything you do.

i think i've gotten to a point in my life where i only make sense to some people, and the rest of them simply don't take me seriously. i miss my life and the confidence i had to live it.

in the past two years i've found so many things and people to learn from, and the experience i've gained had long surpassed what i'd initially expected. apart from the independence, i've found that i'm not more tactful, more sensitive. in short, i suppose i've learnt to simply be kind to people.

i guess it's just not in my nature to go out of my way to be nice, and i've never thought that people may hold it against me for that. but yesterday, i realised that everything that i thought is essentially wrong and i've hurt the people that i've selfishly taken for granted.

despite everything that i thought i've grown into, to find that my past still haunts not just me but the ones i love kills me. i could tell you that my accomplishments to date are enough to make me feel better about such depressing going-ons, but i'd be lying through my bloody teeth.

i'm worried.

i'm scared and i'm worried.

this is not something that i can get used to.

save some for me summer?

Say that you'll stay a little
don't say bye-bye tonight
say you'll be mine
just a little bit of love
is worth a moment of your time.
knockin' on your door just a little
it's so cold outside tonight
let's get a fire burning
oh I know I'll keep it burning bright
if your stay, wont you save, save

Save room for my love
Save room for a moment to be with me
Save room for my love
Save a little, save a little for me
Won't you save a little
Save a little for me

This just might hurt a little
love hurts sometimes when you do it right
dont be afraid of a little bit of pain
pleasure is on the other side.
Let down your guard just a little
i'll keep you safe in these arms of mine
hold on to me pretty baby
you will see I can be all you need if you stay
won't you save, save

Oh c'mon, make time to live a little
don't let this moment slip by tonight
you'll never know what you're missing
'till you try, ill keep you satisfied if you stay
won't you save, save

mind over matter.

last few weeks have been especially tiring for some reason, and i've lost the motivation to keep myself updated on this online journal.

anyhow, i was thinking that day about a lot of shit that's happened recently and before i knew it, i caught myself thinking somewhere along the lines of "why me.". it's been a long time since i've felt this insecure about my standing in society, and despite everything, i really see no reason to start doubting myself again.

so here, if no where else, i am assuring myself again. i will not be intimidated by what people say, do or think, i will not be affected. i will not change myself unwillingly for something that i might not want in the first place. i will be who i am because that's the only person i'm supposed to be.

maybe this time.

reds.

see this investment of my my emotions and time,
it's bleeding for you to.
where's the fun without the gamble?

either everyone's dead, or i am. :(

mid shift madness.

in cases of extreme pressure, how well can you keep yourself glued together at the seams?

shitwrecked.

guess this is it, really moving on. it's not all that crazy really. the show, as they say, must go on.

in regards to the title, was TOTALLY shitwrecked last night. met with loy boy and soulmate after for-fucking-ever at em studios. underground trance parties are the shit,

we're beautiful and dirty rich.

did you know?

my life is like drinking red bull.

it gives me wings, but when i get too high, the sun melts the wax that attaches me to the feathers. and i fall, a little too hard, too fast.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like if i was different. someone a little less obsessive, and a whole lot more loving. maybe things would change. maybe then i would see things in a different light and be a lot happier with who i would be. then again, i wouldn't be me.

this emotional roller coaster has been hell and i can't take it anymore. i'm determined to be cold, because then, i can step back from everything and take the breather i need. a break from my own life, and go on a holiday from being me.

i want this.
i want this.
i want this.

so why does it feel like i'm losing everything?

i watched you change.

i don't know what happened to us, but i must say that a part of me does miss the way we were. the other half of me is gravitating towards the fact that we'll never go back.

twenty one months.

none of that was a mistake, but don't look back love. maybe we just weren't meant to be.

i'm crying so hard i can hardly breathe, but you need to know. i'm sorry b. i'm so sorry.

nobody said it was easy.

it's at times like these i really wonder where we're going.

my LOVE,
i'm at a loss.
i don't know what to do anymore.
i don't know what to say,
or think.
i don't know who we were,
or who we now are.
where were we?
where are we?

but nobody ever said it would be so hard.

you're sick.

what the fuck is going on?

this is fucking abuse. if you're insecure, fine. if you're paranoid i can put up with your occasional outbursts. bad tempered? i'll cope.

BUT EVERYFUCKINGBODY HAS THEIR LIMITS.

i left my phone at work today, and apparently that's too incredulous to believe. what the hell?

I DO NOT NEED
TO TAKE THIS SHIT.

this is ridiculous.
i really don't deserve this.
i really don't.

when life gives you lemons.

what do you make of something broken,
love?
what do you do about that?

girlfr and i are loving as usual, and i have missed this, really i have.

I LOVE YOU LAHH YOU MONSTER.

never look back, we said.

hello INSOMNIA, my friend

i have missed you so.
and didn't you me?
it's been so long since i've been embraced in your sweet caress,
since i felt your last loving non-word.
it's been breaking me into pieces,
wrecking me;
i promise you.

dear INSOMNIA, my love

tell me, did you miss my companionship?
me whining about my day and whatever un-eventfulness it had been?
i have missed your compromising silence.
no one listens to me like you do.

oh INSOMNIA, sweet insomnia

why-ever did you have to go?
too many people to entertain, and your never-ending list of to-do's..
like another first love i once had
you have branded me, lover
i feel betrayed

but still, unforgettable INSOMNIA

i will always remember you,
in the dreams i wouldn't have if you were around.

**original

false alarms.

trying to make this work.. could it possibly be as easy as it sounds?

wine red.

so marks the last of my days with ps cafe: harding. as well as the relationship.

it's like a curse, i keep reminding myself that bad things only happen in 3's. it will be over soon.

it's not funny anymore. how everyone manages to dump me sooner or later. it's not funny anymore, how everyone just decides to let go. does no one keep their resolve anymore?

whatever happened to love?

whatever happened to agape love?

it pays too much to try to fit everybody's bill nowadays, and i think that this has made me one of them.

i've given up.

i'm done, so done with being hurt.

i wish i never started this, any of this.
i wish i never played this game, because i'm against ridiculous odds.
i wish i was never fucking born.

this is not how i wanted all of this to start or end. somehow people form their own interpretations.

as what i said to doug,

perception is truth.

in which case, break up was inevitable.

eventually.

smoke on the fucking water.

i've missed YOU.

D you have no idea, really. but sometimes, the things you say hurt people around you so badly you don't even know it.

this is not what being friends is about. but then again, explaining it to you is probably futile.

it's upsetting, really. i'm not mad, just incredibly disappointed in you. for someone who claims he lives by his rulebook, you look like you've broken more than one of your seven codes when it came to our friendship. how can i take you seriously anymore?

like i just told you over the phone, you don't call someone you haven't talked to properly in half a month and almost tell them to go meet you out of the blue just because you're alone and bored.

remember what you said to me when i told you that i was too tired after work to go to zouk one night?
remember how you got so pissed and said you'll never talk to me again?
and then remember the time when i called you to hang out and you were too busy trying to get the girl?

i'm not blaming her, but on your part just admit that it's a fact that you changed your entire lifestyle for her.

it hurts so much because i used to listen to you say how you detested people who started ignoring their friends just because of a girl. you said you'll never be one of those people who got "whipped". what do you say to that now?

remember when you blew me off two nights in a row?
when you said you'll give me a call the next day and conveniently forgot?
when you said you'll drop by on my birthday night and didn't?
when i called you and invited TWO of you over to have some potato salad i MADE and you were too tired?

when did i say anything to put you down D? i respected you and that's what brotherhood is about. i didn't judge you, and i told myself not to to be ridiculous and get angry over stupid things like that(unlike someone we know.).

but everyone, i remind you sir, has a fucking limit and you stepped over the line tonight when you asked:

"ra, come on.. why are you doing this to me?"

SQUEEZE ME? why am i doing this YOU?

you've changed. you're different from the cool dude i loved like a kid brother.

and all of a sudden, i realise.

maybe i never knew you as well as i thought i did.
maybe i never knew what you were about at ALL.

FIRE IN THE SKY!

11.

TESS: i'm with terri now.
DANNY: does he make you laugh?
TESS: well, he doesn't make me cry.

back to the basics.

so it's back to bartending for me, only now at palais. don't ask why, don't get me started.

but i do have to say just this. i've never felt more dispassionate about people in general before. i guess humans by nature all have the tendency to feel misunderstood.

we'll see how it goes from here.

(please, don't forget.)

why,
why can't we just remember who we are
forget what we are
and lose control

because in this craziness
we've lost everything
including ourselves.

up till 19 months ago, i never knew what it was like to be loved like that.

emo this sounds, but it's really a story of a blessing. one of the few i've had in life.

if i begged for you to stay,
would you let me bleed myself dry
and turn away?

workin' at the carwash, yeah.

WHAT AM I STILL DOING
HERE.

dearest Ms',

i strongly believe that everyone has kept their trap shut long enough and now is finally the time to break the silence.

your staff is getting very unruly. not in terms of appearance, or in terms of service, but more to the face that a whole bunch of people simply cannot get along.

my suggestion?

FIRE ALL THE FUCKING PINOYS.

thank you for your kind attention.

yours sincerely,
ra.

& home is the best place to be.

i'm really beginning to hate my job.

being what i am, i hate accommodating my superiors, and that's an issue in itself. and plus, i see no need to keep my mouth shut just because there are the "big shots" around.

the politics are so obvious a deaf and blind man could tell you it's wrong.

the customers are getting harder and harder to deal with.

the daily duties are becoming a pain in the ass.

i'm sick of seeing people who are unworthy of promotions moving higher up in rankings than those who earned it.

and of all these things, i can't be fucked to care about what other people say about me therefore i can't be fucked to listen to people telling me about how i should be careful about the things i say.

in short, i suppose that i'm simply dissatisfied about my job. that i can't find joy in what i'm doing and that i do not care to.

perhaps, (and i've lain awake hours thinking about this.) the problem is not with my job, but with my attitude. come to think about it, it's actually possible.

could something be wrong with me? the almighty RA?

ahh damn it. i'm wayyy too tired to think straight. g'night all.

champagne, ice, and strawberries.

i'm sorry wes, i should have been there to at very least say goodbye.
this is selfish, but i should have been there for you more.
whether or not if would have helped you,
because i would feel better knowing that i tried.
i'm sorry i didn't, wes, i'm sorry.

it just isn't fair.
you darling, of all people should have had a chance,
you should have seen what the world had to offer you.
before.

if anything could make me feel better?

oh,
world, hold on.

i just wish you don't have to go so soon.

if you're looking for comfort in the waiting room;

so it would seem, that i, the almighty ra, has lst all intrest in blogging about my not-so-uneventful life. dear readers (still in existence or not), you have all been misled.

dispense with the formalities of apologizing, shall we? the word sorry, seems to count for very little these days anyway.

frankly speaking, in the recent month, many things have been in motion for me. what should have been an enriching experience for me had somehow, in fact disinterested me in life and it's utter meaningless-ness.

for instance. my family has been, to say the least, ravaged by the very recent attack my father has suffered. blockage of the heart's major arteries could be explained by the faithful as a wake up call from god, or an attack by the devil. i however, deem it as the result of compulsive consumption of fried fatty substances and of course, years of incinerating cigarettes. (i see my demise approaching in a somewhat similar manner.)

family, what does that entail? blood ties? relationships forged over the years? emotional bridges built by sweat and tears? we'll come back to that.

or what about how my increasingly addictive relationship is rapidly disintegrating before my very eyes? ahh, a subject of debate now. man have asked the heavens countless times since the dawn of age, and now i question again:

what is love?

family, partners, friends. love. in many ways, love is simply a stronger version of "like", or can alternatively be explained as the direct opposite of hate. the two extremes produce similar reactions. quickening of the heartbeat, chills up and down your spine, your senses heightened so you can almost hear the hissing of blood flowing in your very veins. in other words, the increased awareness of the other party.

emotions induced can be so strong you feel your chest is going to burst, and you can hardly catch your breath. a beautiful, curious thing, no?

now the question is, if the two are so similar, and yet so different, then what lies between? you would have thought it would range from a fair scale, but you would be surprised, as i've found. i will spare the details, none too pleasant i might add.

on the flip side, i also feel somewhat enlightened. when i saw this, the burden that felt to me like the weight of the world was alleviated.

you see, the root of the problem, are feelings. a moment of utter joy could be snatched away by jealousy in an instant and in it's place will stand pain. fleeting. the concept is simple. you will not miss what you never had to begin with.

expectations. what we feel for others, we expect equal treatment. but in a world ruled by emotions, PERCEPTIONS, DOUBT and FEAR, it is near impossible.

the greater the fall.

i guess maybe,
i'm just one of those who has to keep falling
to learn how to stand taller the next time.

you wouldn't have any idea of this pain.

我已經　已經把我傷口化作玫瑰
我的淚水　已經變成雨水早已輪迴
我已經　已經把對白留成了永遠
忘了天色　究竟是黑是灰

分手傷了誰　誰把它變美
我的眼淚寫成了詩　已無所謂
讓你再回味　字不醉人人自醉
因為回憶　總是美

我已經　已經把絕情變成了恭維
因為不配　你就忽然自卑說聲失陪
我已經　已經把沉默變成了懺悔
無路可退　只能無言以對

分手傷了誰　誰把它變美
我的眼淚寫成了詩一首　無所謂
讓你再回味　字不醉人人自醉
你的品味　總是美

if.

speed does not equal precision.

people. always wanting more. more time, more money, more energy, more youth, more space.

relationships. whatever happened to unconditional loving, i'd like to know. you complain a person neglects you, so you want out of a marriage. when the man starts trying, you find the sudden change too disturbing. when you get used to it, you say he's fucked up for waiting this long to love you. you hate him now, and he hates you for not appreciating anything he does for you presently. then again, how could you? he took five years away from you, and when you needed him most, he was nowhere close.

what about jobs? how your pay is never justified, how your time is wasted. she says she doesn't love you anymore, and you convieniently use your heartache to break away from that monotonous job you already hate. do you not understand that this is not going to win her back?

dispassionate,
dissatisfied,
disgruntled.

why? why no one sees the little beautiful things in life, fail to notice just how much they really do have, is beyond me.

i choose to be the bystander of all this drama while all the rest of you have chosen to be participants of this "i own your ass in -" rat race. exactly what everyone's trying to best each other at, or prove to the world, i have no interest in knowing.

because if it's so hard to find your way,
why don't you just
GET LOST?

BATTLE OF THE SEXES.

OVER CAKE.

this is no fucking joke.

on monday, the first of february, 1900 hours, douglas tseng and i will be eating ourselves to death at ps cafe, dempsey, as we attempt this amazing feat.

(first to consume the monster wins 50 bucks.)

i repeat, this is the double chocolate fucking blackout cake and this is definitely no fucking joke.

be there or be square.

off and on days.

last few months have been harrowing, and ive not been meeting everyone as much as i'd like to. all my time has been consumed by work, and i hardly have the strength to do anything properly on my off days. however, sometimes when i push myself into doing things and it eventually proves it worthwhile.

like dougie and i on saturday. :D (a very wtf moment it was!)

or like cheek and i last night. but the only thing that made it worthwhile was the incredible single malt whiskey that we drank. HAHAA KIDDING LUHH I LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE.

i need more time to chill like this with my friends, family, girlfr.

24 hours are not enough, yes?

p.s.: scandal i miss you like a peeing drunk dude. we'll hang soon okayy!

if it's not enough.

btw, reasons i love my scandal is because she's fucking adorable please.

two of the five things she has to do before she dies:

1. ride a horse. not just any dumb ugly horse. it has to have music sense and clipclop to my tempo. like those really well-trained horses they use in equestrian.

2. milk a cow. not just any dumb fugly cow. it has to have black and white patches. and the white has to be pure creamy white and not yellow-stained-with-urine white.

HAHAA WHAT THE FUCK HORSE AND COW ALSO HAVE TO CHOOSE HAHAHAHAHAHAA.

evan i love you. <3 in my case, the question is not what on earth am i doing here, but what on earth am i going to do here. the tragedy of this is, i can't think of a single goddamn thing i have to do before i pass. two ways to look at this, because i have no direction whatsoever, and because nothing is good enough for me. who the fuck invented crossroads, i'd like to know. c'est la vie.

the face inside is right beneath my skin.

it feels like i'm fucking aging, but still somehow stay so young. my failing ability to react to sudden changes, but how the excitement never gets old. how i could get used to something beautiful but never allow it to last.

i am only worth as much
as what i can destroy.

how can i be such a contradiction?
(and i used to pride myself on that. HAHAA.)

you know, i expected so much more than this. it's come to a point where the world's stopped spinning and i suddenly feel like i'm the only one alive. but what for? maybe i need to start asking the right questions.

WHY, GOD.

i stand here all alone,
and i can see the bottom.

i cut my fingers on the way.

bulk of yesterday was spent like this. basking in the glow of a lost and found friendship.

scandal,
I HAVE MISSED YOU SO SO SO SO MUCH.



so, during my long leave of absence, i really haven't accomplished much (how typically ra, i know.), but at this point in time, i can't help but feel so enriched by experiences of the past year. seeing all the turmoil and whatnots that i've been through, it's not strange that friends come to me and say that i look so much the same, but somehow am so different.

now the question would be,
is that always a good thing?

today's blueprint of plans were somewhat ruined by me, and girlfriend isn't very pleased. or maybe she's just dissatistied with everything, just as i sometimes am. for some inexplainable reason, i feel so disconnected from it all when things like that happen. when i wake up to her talking on the phone, then yelling the house down after she's hung up. is this really my fault?

wait, i forgot. everything that's happened lately is my fault. everything wrong with the world has got something to do with me.

btw girlfriend, i can read chinese.
so don't go around liking stupid things that you think i don't understand.

omg i'm ranting again. resolution one, quit whining about anything and everything and nothing. HAHAA kidding.

oh yes, as a happy fucking new year present,

BEHOLD EVAN'S GINORMOUS BOOBIES.