returning moments stolen.

i suppose that in instances such as these, when life has bruised you a little,  it's easy to miss what you've never really had. what if is a game best left unplayed, i know, but still.. a time for everything, no?

today finds me melancholic, and somewhat detached from everything. the only passion i have strength for is regret, not that i feel that i have done wrong, but about what i could have done better. not trying to be all emo and hipster, saying random things that translate beautifully on a screen, but i guess we all have these days from time to time. you know the ones i'm talking about, when you listen to sad songs and end up feeling worse, because it's a period of wallowing you're after and not solace, if you're being honest with yourself.

i used to think that it was my inadequecy as a girlfriend that drove most of my previous partners to their ways, and sometimes madness. still i embraced their flaws and never loved them any less for it. arguments tend to present themselves early in most of my relationships because my character is such that i make my thoughts and feelings known so they won't mutate into resentment. still, even as the premise is set in the right tone, emotions distort the intention and its meaning is often misconstrued. terribly cliched as it is, all i wanted was to be loved the same.

the great lesson of today is how i find out how devastating complete disassociation can be. to never get the chance to try one more time to fix something between two people. people say that the opposite of love is hate, but i now realize that disengagement is so much more painful than the aforementioned. i suppose it has to do with channeling energy. disconnection can be so much harder because there's nothing left to hold on to.

open ended.

in my mind, perhaps a product of my own denial, none of this is fair. i don't deserve this and i don't need this drama in my life. mediation earlier in the day has helped me see that sometimes it has nothing to do with being fair, however, and sometimes, life just is. while i'd be lying if i said this wasn't difficult, i do know that it's doable.

solvable.

then again, i have no other option but to try. that much, you've made clear.

lie here.

i suppose this probably isn't the worst thing that could happen. my heart has been shattered yet again, because.. well, because i can't have what i want. to be fair, it's really not anyone else's fault but mine. years of broken relationships have left me decidedly cold with an emptiness i doubt anyone can fill. not for lack of trying on their part, of course, but maybe there are just some things that are meant to be left uncompleted.

today finds me a little impatient and on edge, waiting for answers i know will not come. i haven't felt this lost in awhile, but then the rejection of affection and best intentions can do that to a girl.

lost, this time, not broken. i've never been one for putting myself down, and i'm not going to start now. i have never been perfect, so that shouldn't come as a surprise, but do not mistake my healthy acceptance of my flaws for delusions of contentment. i am not broken, but i am not whole. maybe i thought this relationship would somehow heal me, or at least ease the ache i feel when i'm alone, and all i really wanted was to have someone to love, someone who loved me too.

it just seems strange that after all that two people have been through to be together, it's still not enough.

the gravity of time.

it strikes me today how one word can change everything. you may think that "if" is the word, but today, i tackle "wait".

the waiting room. the world is a waiting room. people waiting for opportunity, waiting for a sign, waiting for love, waiting for death.

there is no comfort to be taken by that fact that billions are doing this. is this really all we are? reduced to people too afraid of taking a chance, to seize the day?

i don't mean waiting for a person to show up on a date, or waiting to cross the road. the kind of wait i am talking about refers to the code of procrastination people nowadays live by, hoping something better will come along. i find, however, that most of the time, it just makes things worse.

i blogged awhile ago that there are certain things, certain sets of circumstances that cannot be changed. while in situations such as these, the wisest course of action would be to "do nothing", i did not mean for someone to sit on their lazy ass and wait for change, but not to retaliate aggressively, charged with irrational emotions.

to do nothing when nothing can be done is a philosophy that i actively live by. reacting in a way that will do nothing to help a situation is something i try very hard not to do. on the flip side, i do believe that no good will come to a person who does nothing to improve their quality of life. what that constitutes is, of course, subjective.

carpe diem quam minimum credula postero, as the greeks say, for you know not if it never comes.

advice that i take to heart the same as the day i first heard it. there simply isn't time.

letter from me to a grassroots leader (if you actually exist)

i refer to the article "letter from a grassroots leader to PM" currently circulating. many of my peers have shared it on facebook with proclamations of support for this your stand, and frankly, i am not surprised. before i begin, however, i apologize in advance for the strong tone and the occasional vulgarity, the way you should have apologized for your grammer. but as someone has pointed out, it is the message, not the language.

to be honest, i am sick to death of hearing this everywhere i go. while the PAP is by no means the perfect model of democracy, i think it hilarious to discount their leadership. singaporeans who are reading this and are starting to get riled up, yes, i'm fucking talking about you too.

while your entire letter is rife with critique, you have nothing to but to point out that you're angry about many things, that you don't like what the PAP has proposed, and then proceeded to piss on their efforts to rectify problems that you have identified, but have not given solution for.

i see that what you're valiantly trying to suggest is that LHL start listening to what the good people of singapore have to say about the decisions made. my question is, listen to who, exactly? people who know about the issues singapore is facing, who know about the decisions handed down by the PM and his mates, bitch about it, but do fuck all?

i have expressed my views on facebook, and a good friend of  mine (intelligent and very very handsome. no hard feelings dh!), suggested that the higher management levels of the government are there to bring in the complex solutions and not lean on the suggestion of grassroots leaders such as yourself, because that is their job. his exact words in support of this statement were "you don't get paid for tuition by asking the students how to solve problems right?"

right.

the issue here at hand is clear, and i will address it. decisions were made, such as the white paper initiative that shook the country. i will be using this as an example as it is current, interesting, a popular topic, and i want this to be short, succinct and precise to a point. a precaution must be taken prior to this, and i must warn whoever is reading that you may not like what you read here on out.

an aging population, an immense competition for work, the rising cost of living.. these are all issues to be dealt with. the population white paper (PWP) was intended as a solution, and to the best of our leaders' knowledge, the most viable solution. obviously, this view is contested by a vast majority of singaporeans. everyone knows this, because everyone hears it, and everyone speaks of it. it is hence popular opinion that the PWP is the problem. hell, the PAP is the problem, and a majority of the fault lies with our PM.

i fucking disrespectfully disagree.

the sordid truth is, dear singaporeans, that you are the problem. not all of you, of course, not those who see things for what they really are. the ones that i am talking about here are those who, bitch, whine, complain about everything and anything, but do nothing. i do not, cannot respect you, and i do not care for your disdain when you speak of your country and government.

the greatest cause for concern at hand is not really an aging population or any of the aforementioned hurdles our society has to overcome, but the attitude that many of you singaproeans have adopted towards your life here. singaporeans complain about "foreign invasion" causing rife, taking our childrens' slots in schools, taking our jobs, marrying our women, while the blatant fact you turn a blind eye to is that the people here have gotten less motivated to strive to be the best. you complain about taxes, the high cost of living, forgetting that development of a country comes at a cost as well. you bitch about blanket laws that grip our society, and put restrictions on so much, but forget that our young are safe guarded by the very same rules.

pointing the accusatory finger has become culture here simply because it is easier than fixing the problem. streets would be dirtier, more dangerous, if not for stringent laws that govern smoking, alcohol and drug intake, and littering. roads would be even more congested if not for road tax, import tax, the erp system and the high cost of vehicle ownership. the streets would be narrow, buildings dilapidated, factories old, and society backward if not for the tax that we all pay.

yes, living in this country is causes strain that we all feel. but what differentiates those successful and those just getting by is their motivation; a little something many singaporeans have ditched in favor of a stone to cast.

the solution to this problem, which is the underlying cause of every other one, is not something your government can slap a fine on, pass a referendum for, or impose a governing law upon. in fact, it's pretty much impossible to come outright and speak about to begin with, as telling a country that it's own people is the enemy is pretty much deemed a downright stupid thing to do. well the PAP may be too politically savvy (politically correct), to see it done but that is no concern of mine.

singaporeans, fix yourselves. fix your mindset, mentality and attitude before it infects the minds of the next generation and they are poisoned to anything that would otherwise promote growth of our country. leave your cock-stroking for something less detrimental to yourselves, leave your arrogance, conformity to popular opinion, and wake up your fucking idea. the first step to solving a problem is recognizing that there is one. lucky for you lot, you only need go as far as your mirror.

maybe then, we can talk about how to better tailor a answer to our economical, social, environmental and political challenges.

yours,
sarah t.

fool's gold.

the last few weeks has seen much drama and i'm not ready to admit that i have been overwhelmed. tears are easily shed, but the wounds not as readily forgotten. while the pain of rebuilding a life with the people around you bearing witness to your foolishness makes it all the harder to keep your resolve, it is also supposed to strengthen it.

unfortunately, pressure and i have never really boded well.

perhaps it is the freedom that came from carefree relationships, a lighthearted approach to life that i found after moving out and the last crippling heartache that rendered me incapable of caring.. but of course, that's no excuse. frankly, it's the routine chain-reaction that i've set of with a series of misguided choices that i've grown sick of.

never been one for chiding myself, or wallowing, but this time, i suppose misery really does seem a fitting punishment.

rinse and fucking repeat.