returning moments stolen.

i suppose that in instances such as these, when life has bruised you a little,  it's easy to miss what you've never really had. what if is a game best left unplayed, i know, but still.. a time for everything, no?

today finds me melancholic, and somewhat detached from everything. the only passion i have strength for is regret, not that i feel that i have done wrong, but about what i could have done better. not trying to be all emo and hipster, saying random things that translate beautifully on a screen, but i guess we all have these days from time to time. you know the ones i'm talking about, when you listen to sad songs and end up feeling worse, because it's a period of wallowing you're after and not solace, if you're being honest with yourself.

i used to think that it was my inadequecy as a girlfriend that drove most of my previous partners to their ways, and sometimes madness. still i embraced their flaws and never loved them any less for it. arguments tend to present themselves early in most of my relationships because my character is such that i make my thoughts and feelings known so they won't mutate into resentment. still, even as the premise is set in the right tone, emotions distort the intention and its meaning is often misconstrued. terribly cliched as it is, all i wanted was to be loved the same.

the great lesson of today is how i find out how devastating complete disassociation can be. to never get the chance to try one more time to fix something between two people. people say that the opposite of love is hate, but i now realize that disengagement is so much more painful than the aforementioned. i suppose it has to do with channeling energy. disconnection can be so much harder because there's nothing left to hold on to.

open ended.

in my mind, perhaps a product of my own denial, none of this is fair. i don't deserve this and i don't need this drama in my life. mediation earlier in the day has helped me see that sometimes it has nothing to do with being fair, however, and sometimes, life just is. while i'd be lying if i said this wasn't difficult, i do know that it's doable.

solvable.

then again, i have no other option but to try. that much, you've made clear.