outrun the night.

i was born with an enormous need for affection and a terrible need to give it.

-audrey hepburn

i don't really know how to explain this condition. maybe i just want to be safe somewhere with someone. i fear that my fear for loneliness, far supersedes the fear i have for where my impulsive nature has a habit of leading me. while it's true i do my best work when left to my own devices, this addiction is stifling. my need for people, or human interaction, has taken me down many a dark alley that never fails to leave me feeling violated, drained and dead inside.. but i always end up going back.

the simplest theory for my affliction would probably be that fairytales and grand ideas of romance have warped me and robbed me of what little sense i have, and though i have no intention of getting married and settling down with five fat babies any time soon, all i want is to be a reason for someone to say they know what love is.

silly huh.

i play around with the idea that detachment can cure me of this, and sometimes say sternly to myself "no more.". sadly, i never get around to sticking to my resolve. keeping my heart under lock and key is something i try too hard to do, and more often than not, i'm like a child who breaks into their own piggy bank under the lure of a candy store. i have an excess of life for awhile, but then get violently ill. days later, i cave once again, knowing full well i haven't yet had time to heal, but who gives a shit. maybe that was a bad batch and the next will be better.

the delusion that i'm just hopeful is basically fully fledged denial, and the irony is that i'm fully aware of it but don't quite want to look reality in the eye. the fact that i'm sick to death of being hurt, but am some kind of emotional junkie is probably so much closer to the truth, and everyone knows a desperate addict would never admit it.

so yeahh, i suppose to hold back sometimes is a good thing. then again, how can i, when all i want to do is fall? the possibility of burning out, a very likely scenario, should be enough of a deterrent for giving a piece of my heart that i don't really own away but it's not. what bugs me is that no matter how hard i try, this is the part i cannot rationalize and it drives me crazy. the need is endless, and i know it's destroying whatever poor excuse of a self-preservation system i have, but i still want it.

i still want to be found.