what a hot water bottle heals.

it's hard to figure out which way is up sometimes, especially when it feels like i'm going under. the feelings of my emotional constipation cause restlessness which result in me giving no pause when it comes to words, often because they are absent thought. i wonder if there is anyone like me.

whenever this happens, i usually feel a sense of liberation, coupled with a dose of giddy euphoria, as it isn't often i allow myself to let slip this way. what follows, however, proves more bitter to swallow; self-doubt and anger (mostly at myself, though at times misdirected) consume me while i remember exactly why i choose to bite my tongue under circumstances i can control.

i blame not my mind, but my irrational emotions. and then realize that that doesn't make sense either. it's not fair to place blame when there are so many variables to consider, of which, so many i cannot foresee or affect. at this point, i wonder if i would have done anything differently, would i have known of what was to come, and more of then than not, the answer is no. why then, torture myself for things beyond my orbit of sway, you ask. because beyond this visage, there is a heart that fears change, and the terrifying unfamiliar territories that follow in its wake.

it's easy to blame this lack of judgement on things we all fall prey to at times; envy, anger, ego, sadness, even love. however, i know the truth of it is that i don't know what i want, and that my confusion confuses me. even that, i now see, i cannot take responsibility for. it's hard to navigate this river of piss and shit masquerading as a thing we call our society and culture. i feel poisoned, weakened by my lack of strength against desires i should not want. is it what i want? to be human, without the encumbrances of humanity?

fuck knows.

a little ode to the magic we take for granted.

happiness, i've learned,
can be quantified. the rustle,
the musky smell of it's yellowed, aged pages.
in fairy tales, chronicles, in tomes of poetry,
i find the solace
which replaces solitude that rarely evades me
in the quiet hours.

pacing myself on the way home.

it's been months since my last post, and i honestly have missed this space. will make an attempt to start blogging religiously again, as i know you avid fans of mine are constantly wondering what i'm up to in my exciting, colourful life.

since i've last blogged i've moved from robertson quay, to pasir ris, to woodlands, and finally to hougang, where i am now comfortably situated. along with this latest development, i have also travelled the most in one year than i've ever done the rest of my 24 year long life.

see, the thing about travelling that i love and adore is this: there are limitless possibilities. any number of things you can learn about another culture, another time, another person, even yourself. i don't know about the rest of you guys, but pieces of a puzzle i didn't even know about seem to come together when i explore the world. calmness comes from the knowledge that regardless of how man destroys, the earth regenerates and rebuilds. elation comes with the hope that more and more people are learning to live in joy with each other, even when the small-minded and dark-hearted hurl sticks and stones.

this is uncharacteristic of me, but my heart sings when i think of how lucky i am to be alive. there is much i don't know, and much i have heard but do not understand.. the good part is that i have time to live these experiences and learn from them.

i am a free and fortunate human being. i am happy.

empty cups.

with every passing moment, there is a weight onto my heart thst grows steadily heavier. it has always been the assumtion that the longer i lived, the wiser i would be. what no one tells you is that there is no corelation between age and wisdom. there is no measure for the things you understand, and the things you don't. just in case anyone has told you otherwise, age is the most unreliable factor.

i am currently in a relationship with a man who refuses to define the connection between us. this would not have bothered me a few years ago, because i would have gotten what i wanted out of the man and pretty much left him alone. what is different in this relationship is that i feel that he should feel the need to connect and acknowledge that we have something different than the average "fuck buddy" nonsense that is so rampant nowadays.

whether or not this is possessiveness speaking, i do not know. but what i do know is exactly what i want. i need a man that needs me. a person who respects me for who i am, and loves my flaws as much as he loves the other bits of me he does like. what i need in my life is someone who realizes that there is no such thing as a perfect person, but sees me as the closest thing he can get to it.

i am no angel, i am nothing. i am horribly insecure and terribly dependent on people for my happiness. but i am kind, loving, sweet, generous, not jealous or paranoid. i deserve better than wondering if i'm someone this guy settles for just because we're in the same country.

or do i? i catch myself wondering if this is all i'm made for; ever the transitional girlfriend.

it hurts feeling like i'm never good enough for people, or that i don't deserve anything or anyone better. my confidence is completely depleted and i have no sense of self worth anymore.

it's been awhile, confidence, and i need you back.

knock me to the ground.

hello everyone. there's been a lot going in my life, things that are mine to talk about, and things that aren't. the way the past few months have been going on, coupled with what i've witnessed in people and circumstance, i think i've changed.

of late, my heart feels full. it feels about ready to burst. i know it's not normal to suddenly feel like bursting into tears in the middle of the day because i suddenly realize that i'm alone somewhere and that there's no one to witness my embarrassment, but i do it anyway. after that i feel as alone as i always do, but there are no more tears, and i'm stuck; there's no lubricant for my emotional constipation.

this is raw emotion. this is me.

i am afraid of my cowardice to chase what i know i can achieve, for i fear that my ambition overreaches my abilities. i'm disgusted with my facade of being self-assured, for i feel i have nothing t draw this confidence from. i feel empty, because i know i have so much that i simply cannot appreciate. i feel inexplicably drained, even when i know i have much to look forward to, much to live for, and much to give.

i have no faith in the intangible, which is unfortunate, seeing that there really isn't much i can see that's of much encouragement at the moment. perhaps, a step back is in order.

i miss life.

he could never be as good as you.

there are songs that will haunt you for the rest of your life. songs that you wish you never heard because the context in which you heard them is too painful.

this. this is my song.

change a long time coming.

i've said this before, the media is a loaded gun that can be used for good or evil. this applies to all kinds of media starting but not limited to the newpaper, the straits times, the evening news, mtv, blogs, facebook and twitter.

i've had enough of this crap. people are talking about anton casey, about stephanie whatsherface, about justin beiber egging his neighbour's house, about breaking bad and real housewives. there isn't enough talk about things that concern us people, we are a culture that now feeds on gossip and entertainment. the mass effect of the fact that a majority would rather be entertained than informed is that all we get now, yes even on the news, is horsehit.

what a lot of people who fundamentally believe the same things i do, but fail to understand is this: the nonsense that plagues our daily lives is not a product of a media house that is owned by the government (i know that i'm going to catch a lot of flak for this but here it is.), it is because people choose what they want to see, and every person in this country, scratch that, THE WORLD, are after ratings because that is materialism in the purest form of the word. it is everyone's self interest to give the world what the world wants to see and hear. this, ladies and gentlemen, is the problem.

am i qualified to make this statement? yes. i'm speaking as a citizen of the world, a person who is concerned by world hunger, xenophobia and blanket discrimination, war, poverty, and not as a child who is concerned by what kim kardashian's baby wore last tuesday. there wasn't a time in my life that i wanted to write because i was interested in fashion, or penning weekend columns in women's weekly on "10 ways to please your man". what concerns me is not consumerism or pandas dying out, but the state of our spot in this universe that my generation and our descendents have to learn to thrive in.

what angers me the most about media today is that it is being abused. not just the main vein, but the social platforms that allow people who are grossly misinformed the leeway to publicly incite hatred, spread half truths or just outright lies, and keep the bandwagon of idiots on the road to self destruction going on an incredibly large platform. these people do not need to be validated. they need to be educated.

personal experience with many people who claim political apathy has taught me that people misspeak because they do not know what the word apathy means. this is, of course another cause of contention for me, as i care about the standard of education and general ignorance deteriorating and escalating, in that order. does this affect me on a personal level? when i think about the future, yes. i for one, do not want to live on a planet where the state of man is a in a constant state of regression. but i digress.

here's a lesson because i simply cannot take it anymore. political apathy is knowing that whatever systems we currently have IS NOT WORKING. political apathy is NOT voting for the opposition just because we don't think the party in power is not doing a good job. political apathy is being aware that the alternative solution that is presently available is not necessarily the solution. political apathy is knowing that we can be better, but no one is inspiring positive change, because we're too busy expecting the higher ups to come up with something better, while we at the spend none of that time thinking of what actually can be done.

people bash governments all the time. yes, i understand that this is what people do. it is also what politicians do, because no one is perfect, therefore our policies, rules and terms of government, by extension, will never make the cut of a utopian society. much as i believe that more people should understand this, i also think that people need to start believing in our ability, as a human race, to be better.

the media is a loaded gun. we, the people of the world, pick the ammunition. what we need to stop doing is to incite hatred, spread fear, discrimination of any kind, complacency, and the decadence we are used to. we need to start sharing more, giving more, loving more, living more, and caring more about what we say, do and yes, even think. we are all products of a society that has been spoiled by the riches that our grandfathers worked their asses for. it's time we start learning the value of these lessons, and indeed, start going through them ourselves. because honestly, it's getting old people, and i'm starting to get embarrassed.

we could.

HELLO EVERYONE.

as you can probably tell, am in a relatively good mood today. last night saw grinny and i pacing ourselves drinks-wise, and behaving like adorable obedient school children. unfortunately, even the mood of the evening couldn't stop us from staying up till the ass crack of dawn, so here we are at 3, having not woken up too long ago, and getting dressed for a day of fun and adventure.

FORT CANNING, TAWANDANG, CHIPS/PUNCH, here we come!

happy weekends all! xx

faithless and trying.

this entire situation is quite surreal. i realized two days ago that nothing is real; none of this joy, sadness or pain. perception is truth, something i used to say a lot and more importantly, believed in. the journey that i've been on the last few weeks (read: years) has brought me to a singular conclusion, that nothing can be absolute. there isn't a single thing that i previously believed in, when i was still enlightened i mean, that has been proved wrong. the trivialities of life have since weighed me down.

as a person, i've backslided. i've disappointed people around me, as much, if not more, than i have disappointed myself. the worst part is that i've known this for ages, but have done absolutely fuck all about it. the reality of this hit me hard two nights ago, and i've been in a state of reflection ever since.

things come and go. so do feelings, people, and circumstances. i'm just here, left to do the best i can in whatever way i know how. i don't want to be stagnant. i want to keep learning.

i want to be better.