displaced.

it's piteously grievous that i only now realize how depressed i really am. i don't use that word lightly, i really do mean i am depressed - let me describe the symptoms;

the heart is heavy and palpitating, breathing labored, mind racing, emotions in turmoil, etc, etc.. what is wrong?

i am.

it is only the wait that keeps me from spinning into insanity; the pleasure of hearing that maybe i'm not crazy, because with all honesty, i'm beginning to doubt myself. there is too much crying, self-pitying, going on that i don't know what's happening.

in the interest of things moving at a faster pace, i will, however say that it is not my intent to confuse or confound you, dear reader, but that i have trouble rationalizing my thoughts, and have no other way of looking back than to write them down.

i am sad, pained, upset, pining, broken, kissed by life, but at the same time, sullied. what more can i do to help my life move along? am i pathetic in hoping that someone would love me?

too tired. too incoherent. too faint. too occupied with the burdening (or unburdening) of my heart.

i know no other way.

tell me your favorite things.

heaviness of the heart is not as easily quantified as the amount of alcohol it takes to ease your mind into a state of calm. even after inebriation, the pain is not really gone, only temporarily numbed.

today i feel the weight press down ever harder and i fear i don't have much strength left in me to keep holding on. while there are those around me who worry and fret about my well being, i  find it difficult to cling on to the relationships i've been blessed with by opening up, because let's face it, i have no words to convey how i feel in the dark of the night.

here's the truth: when the world is asleep, i often lie awake tormented by my own demons. i tremble in trepidation of what lies my mind will be invaded by tonight, and i fear i will finally succumb to them and believe that i am worth nothing. the only thing that grounds me is my stubbornness, pride, and knowledge that i will finally ruin myself if i let go of everything i know is reality. tears leak and they are accompanied by the silent screams that i hold within because i refuse to be embarrassed even in solitude.

is feeling this way my fault? am i sick? there is no doubt in my mind that the very organ these questions are processed by is unhealthy. still, what is there to do, but sweat it out? i always have, and it's always worked. my sanity is guarded by my facade, which, by the way, is slipping. how will people see me then? as the song goes, nobody said it was easy, but no one ever said it would be this hard. is a moment's reprieve from this hell really too much to ask? i am sick of this life of dodging proverbial bullets, and sometimes questions to myself i can't answer.

i am tired of this lie.

what a hot water bottle heals.

it's hard to figure out which way is up sometimes, especially when it feels like i'm going under. the feelings of my emotional constipation cause restlessness which result in me giving no pause when it comes to words, often because they are absent thought. i wonder if there is anyone like me.

whenever this happens, i usually feel a sense of liberation, coupled with a dose of giddy euphoria, as it isn't often i allow myself to let slip this way. what follows, however, proves more bitter to swallow; self-doubt and anger (mostly at myself, though at times misdirected) consume me while i remember exactly why i choose to bite my tongue under circumstances i can control.

i blame not my mind, but my irrational emotions. and then realize that that doesn't make sense either. it's not fair to place blame when there are so many variables to consider, of which, so many i cannot foresee or affect. at this point, i wonder if i would have done anything differently, would i have known of what was to come, and more of then than not, the answer is no. why then, torture myself for things beyond my orbit of sway, you ask. because beyond this visage, there is a heart that fears change, and the terrifying unfamiliar territories that follow in its wake.

it's easy to blame this lack of judgement on things we all fall prey to at times; envy, anger, ego, sadness, even love. however, i know the truth of it is that i don't know what i want, and that my confusion confuses me. even that, i now see, i cannot take responsibility for. it's hard to navigate this river of piss and shit masquerading as a thing we call our society and culture. i feel poisoned, weakened by my lack of strength against desires i should not want. is it what i want? to be human, without the encumbrances of humanity?

fuck knows.