it's hard to figure out which way is up sometimes, especially when it feels like i'm going under. the feelings of my emotional constipation cause restlessness which result in me giving no pause when it comes to words, often because they are absent thought. i wonder if there is anyone like me.
whenever this happens, i usually feel a sense of liberation, coupled with a dose of giddy euphoria, as it isn't often i allow myself to let slip this way. what follows, however, proves more bitter to swallow; self-doubt and anger (mostly at myself, though at times misdirected) consume me while i remember exactly why i choose to bite my tongue under circumstances i can control.
i blame not my mind, but my irrational emotions. and then realize that that doesn't make sense either. it's not fair to place blame when there are so many variables to consider, of which, so many i cannot foresee or affect. at this point, i wonder if i would have done anything differently, would i have known of what was to come, and more of then than not, the answer is no. why then, torture myself for things beyond my orbit of sway, you ask. because beyond this visage, there is a heart that fears change, and the terrifying unfamiliar territories that follow in its wake.
it's easy to blame this lack of judgement on things we all fall prey to at times; envy, anger, ego, sadness, even love. however, i know the truth of it is that i don't know what i want, and that my confusion confuses me. even that, i now see, i cannot take responsibility for. it's hard to navigate this river of piss and shit masquerading as a thing we call our society and culture. i feel poisoned, weakened by my lack of strength against desires i should not want. is it what i want? to be human, without the encumbrances of humanity?
fuck knows.
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