stone cold sober.

today, i feel everything. i am thoroughly exhausted by the strain of caring too much, too often, and i feel stretched out too thin. i am breaking apart and i feel dissatisfied, disappointed, disillusioned. i feel alone, ugly, incapable, useless, and unloved. i feel utterly empty. completely depleted.

as with all my relationships, the pressure of expectations never fails to bring anything good to it's knees. this is true of the relationship i have with myself. i have lost respect, and gained only scorn for what i can only say is a shadow of my former self. i realize today that after everything that has happened since the beginning of last year, i am devoid of hope. i do not think i deserve better anymore. i do not love me anymore, and today i realize this.

to whoever is out there reading this, it may sound like something out of a suicide letter, or something equally depressing that, i don't know, maybe secondhand serenade could be responsible for. excuse this uncharacteristic surge of sadness that envelops me today, because unlike the rest, i find no comfort in anything.

there is no intention to induce guilt, pity, or even concern here. this is not a cry for help, nor is it a plea for companionship in my misery (yes, misery.), only indulgence in allowing myself to mark this day so i will remember the way this feels for the rest of my life. i do not like this, and for the sake of never ever having to feel like this again, i will be better.

with every sob that inevitably makes me choke a little, i convince myself that i am letting go. i do not know if this is true, but i suppose in some small way it makes me feel better. i don't know where all this is coming from but it feels like taking a breath for the first time. feel i liberated, but i honestly don't know what from. maybe now i can move forward, even without knowing what i'm leaving behind. just one of those days, maybe.

today, i feel everything.