for too long, it seems that i've had front row seats to my own life. always close enough to smell the sweat, but still merely a spectator to the things that are happening.
sure, i get sad, but nearly everything gets me down these days. emotional, yes. it's a wonder how i still feel so utterly detached from the reality of everything. as i'm typing this, i wonder is any one has ever felt the same way i do. probably.
someone said that one of my previous posts seemed pretentious. i don't think i was really offended. i don't think i knew how to react. i can't even remember what i said. i wonder what that person really thinks of me. does he see vulnerability, hypocrisy, anger, bitterness, loneliness or fear.. what? i don't know if i care.
after days of mulling it over, i still don't know what i was thinking what i wrote what i did down in that particular post. i don't know why i have this sick compulsion to care what people think, and try to change their perception of me for the better. i don't know what it really means when i say that because i can't be sure that i give a rat's ass in the first place.
i know i'm confused. i'm probably not as messed up as i think i am. but who'd know, seriously.
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