if you're looking for comfort in the waiting room;

so it would seem, that i, the almighty ra, has lst all intrest in blogging about my not-so-uneventful life. dear readers (still in existence or not), you have all been misled.

dispense with the formalities of apologizing, shall we? the word sorry, seems to count for very little these days anyway.

frankly speaking, in the recent month, many things have been in motion for me. what should have been an enriching experience for me had somehow, in fact disinterested me in life and it's utter meaningless-ness.

for instance. my family has been, to say the least, ravaged by the very recent attack my father has suffered. blockage of the heart's major arteries could be explained by the faithful as a wake up call from god, or an attack by the devil. i however, deem it as the result of compulsive consumption of fried fatty substances and of course, years of incinerating cigarettes. (i see my demise approaching in a somewhat similar manner.)

family, what does that entail? blood ties? relationships forged over the years? emotional bridges built by sweat and tears? we'll come back to that.

or what about how my increasingly addictive relationship is rapidly disintegrating before my very eyes? ahh, a subject of debate now. man have asked the heavens countless times since the dawn of age, and now i question again:

what is love?

family, partners, friends. love. in many ways, love is simply a stronger version of "like", or can alternatively be explained as the direct opposite of hate. the two extremes produce similar reactions. quickening of the heartbeat, chills up and down your spine, your senses heightened so you can almost hear the hissing of blood flowing in your very veins. in other words, the increased awareness of the other party.

emotions induced can be so strong you feel your chest is going to burst, and you can hardly catch your breath. a beautiful, curious thing, no?

now the question is, if the two are so similar, and yet so different, then what lies between? you would have thought it would range from a fair scale, but you would be surprised, as i've found. i will spare the details, none too pleasant i might add.

on the flip side, i also feel somewhat enlightened. when i saw this, the burden that felt to me like the weight of the world was alleviated.

you see, the root of the problem, are feelings. a moment of utter joy could be snatched away by jealousy in an instant and in it's place will stand pain. fleeting. the concept is simple. you will not miss what you never had to begin with.

expectations. what we feel for others, we expect equal treatment. but in a world ruled by emotions, PERCEPTIONS, DOUBT and FEAR, it is near impossible.

the greater the fall.

i guess maybe,
i'm just one of those who has to keep falling
to learn how to stand taller the next time.