rusty bolts.

was talking to scandal last night and we were discussing a variety of things, none too cheerful a topic. couldn't sleep after so i just lay awake thinking how difficult it is to be completely honest with yourself, let alone another person. i'm sick of being sad, there is just too much going on that i'm missing.

instead of offering meaningless apologies, why can't people just stop doing things that hurt the ones they claim they care about? been wondering for some time why i always fall for the same fucking trick, and i suppose that it's because i've always believed that i'd never know unless i suppressed my fear and went for it. i now understand that blind faith in people is just setting myself up for disappointment. after all these years, i realize i still don't know you. i thought you were my friend.

i thought i was done with this feeling after a never ending torrent of disappointment. then you come along and add one more notch to the scoreboard. i suppose in some way, the effect was amplified because i was never afraid of being scarred, not by you. i trusted you.

clearly, that was a mistake. as house would say, everybody lies.

lift off.

i think that after all this time, i'm finally capable of moving on. i don't like grudges, so believe me when i say that after the anger and weariness fades, there is no hatred, simply because i have neither the time nor energy for it.

friends of mine know only all to well what a hopeless romantic i am. though i try to deny myself the pleasure of being completely indulgent in a relationship (or the beginning of what could be), it never quite works out. i understand what you did, but it doesn't mean that it was right. i just hope for the sake of your conscience that the next girl's heart you break, you realize that the very least she deserves is the truth.

BR, i wish you nothing but happiness and joy. your letter was sad and touching, it made me cry and it made me miss you, but it doesn't change the fact that we've missed that window. you're with someone else now, and for what it's worth, i hope you find peace with someone you love as opposed to settle for; if not with her, than someone else out there who's just for you.

don't be sad anymore.. you deserve better.

the wreck of 86'.

haven't been blogging of late (just a mild exaggeration!), but not sure if anyone's has missed me anyway. as usual, while a major emotional slump was the trigger for this sabbatical, the catalysts still have not been addressed, though identified. though i suppose in someways, that's half the battle already won.

thankfully, i have not been drowning in depression all this time. thanks to SCANDAL, my writing, music and a certain someone i've met and since (somewhat) let go of, the days have been getting a little better and i'm taking things one week at a time. while the agony that hits hardest in the morning slowly gets a little more bearable with each sunrise, i find now that what i've been though in the last 6 months of my life has not been in vain. i am stronger, better and less vulnerable, because i now choose to be.

in other news, another reason why i won't go into detail with regards to what i've been doing the past half year is because a lot of it is in the book i've been working on. this project that has been set in motion since may is well on it's way to completion, and i have to say that i am quite pleased with the product. however, i do need more feedback and am looking for a few readers to which i will release just the first mini chapter. if anyone i know out there is interested and is willing to spare a few minutes, please let me know!

p.s.: i went to youtube to get the embed for the video and realized glee did a cover of this song. it was bloody terrible. why are people still watching this crap?