disappointment's my new thing, i suppose.

having no expectations of a relationship has served me well over the years. for obvious reasons. for those who are to dense, i really am not going to bother.

having no expectations of a relationship, however, has not prepared me to deal with the crushing defeat of disappointment when you realize that someone you love manages to supersede the unthinkable: when they disappoint you beyond belief, and instead of trying to endeavor themselves to you, they go to the other extreme.

i've never understood men. or rather, to be fair, the men i have dated. why journey to the extremes? i've met men too nice, too much of a jackass, too smart, too himbotic, too handsome, too hideous, too snobbish, too much of a pushover and so on. why doesn't anyone settle for normal anymore?

honestly i'm starting to think that maybe i'm the problem. maybe the problem with me is that i don't have a problem with anything. maybe it's because i keep my hopes to myself and the expectations of the shelf. maybe it's because i don't have a checklist.

that's right boys, THE checklist.

you've heard it before i'm sure. the infamous list, the only one apart from schindler's that has got every girl obsessed. considered the woman's greatest essential, and the man's biggest enemy, the list determines, apparently, the happiness of people everywhere.

i, am somewhat an exception, i suspect, as i have but one criterion.

that i be loved for who i am, by someone capable of loving only me.

that and good sex. that's very important. oh and respect-slash-honesty as well. can't forget to throw that in.

okayy so three things. (i still think i make the exception though. most girls i know could publish theirs in volumes.) anyway, is that too much to ask? correct me if i'm wrong, but aren't these the fundamentals of any relationship?

if today is anything to go by, given what i've seen, i may as well have been educated by chimpanzees on the book of love. bahh. i sound pretty calm for someone who feels so humiliated, no?

much as realize the mockery at my expense, i can't help but feel somewhat relieved that i know. there is resentment, yes, but not toward whom you'd expect, and there is disappointment, also not for the reasons you suspect.

fiery words in fluctuating volumes were exchanged this afternoon, as well as arguments of the lesser evils. reasons were given, and excuses bought and swallowed. i guess when all's been said and done, i had to ask myself, how far i was willing to bend back for the sake of someone i'd die for.

lesser evil?

suppose that's where i got my answer.

if you are reading this, forgive me. i swear i will never speak of this again.