poor slob without a name.

to all who don't already know, i, sarah t, has been trying to quit drinking. granted, the total abstinence has not won, but it cannot be denied that my intake has been cut down.. DRASTICALLY. trying to quit an addiction seems more painful than anything else in the world, does it not?

i for one, should know about this particular kind of pain. i've had more than my fair share of going cold turkey, more than most i know anyway. drugs, for one. smoking (at one point), and now drinking. not to mention the addiction to relationships that i don't think i'll ever be able to give up.

today i had a conversation with tee. it lasted just over a minute, i should think. but to me it seemed the most enjoyable minute of my life. bear with me folks, i know by now you guys should be sick and tired of me revisiting this particular relationship, but at this point i really can't help it.

first, anticipation of his reaction, disappointment that he already so soon has forgotten my name, happiness that he was at very least civil, bitterness that our brief conversation was over, and nauseatingly, love, reminiscing about all that we've had and lost.

question:

is it entirely possible that physical addictions are easier to give up because your body is relying on them, and not your heart?

technically, moods and emotions are caused by chemical changes in one's body, and therefore makes heartaches a physical reaction. why is it though, that we can't simply direct our passions to another source? although heartaches are called just that, this particular organ has nothing to do with it, no?

le sigh.
am very,
very confused.

to be honest, i don't really care about the answers to all these questions. though curious by nature, i have never been one to ask these things because i do believe in love. or did. i don't know anymore. it's just.. talking to him today made me miss being in a relationship with him. is that even true? maybe it's just the companionship i want, but who's to know?

all in all, it's been a horrible year, and i've been trying my hardest to turn it around. it's just, seeing how i've got nothing to be happy about, only makes it more obvious my efforts have not been paying off. looking optimistic has suddenly become very hard and it sometimes feels like this is my only outlet.

so thanks to blogger, i guess, for listening and being one of the remaining faithful friends i'm proud to have. god knows there aren't too many of you left.