it's official.

i'm in love.

if you don't know me by now.

i am a woman, far from feminine though. i enjoy long periods of devil-may-care-ing, but have been haunted by my own thoughts many a time. i've been told that i have flashes of brilliance, but am also the victim of incredible stupidity.

with regards to my talents, there are none i can think of, but there are many things on which friends and foes alike compliment. i have a strange way of accepting criticism and praise, not to say i don't take any of it to heart. easily distracted, but hell-bent and relentless when i am hooked on something.

i'm a lover, and do not discount the fact that i am also a fighter. i'm tough as hell, and i hate any sign of weakness (which includes crying.), but also have a tendency to break down at the slightest thing when i can take it no longer.

capable of eating like there's no tomorrow, it's strange that i have never (as far as i can recall anyway.) had a single craving for anything sweet. i have never been on a diet, but would probably rather choose death over cellulite. still, i'd sooner consume a double cheese burger than a cup of low-fat yogurt. i love exercising, the more strenuous the better, but would rather die than wake up five minutes earlier than i have to.

i don't shop, unless it's for shoes. and even then, i'm usually out in half an hour. i drink like a fish, and have blessedly never had a hangover in my life. i love music and still want to pursue it as a career, but have long since given up that fantasy of becoming the next culture icon.

i find myself wishing i could change my past sometimes, but have no desire to have any knowledge of my future. i believe in fate, but also in a man making his own destiny. i have this thing where i want to know everyone, but want to remain in complete anonymity. still, i want the people around me to know and love me for me. the irony is that the only thing standing between that and the way things are now is myself.

i am incredibly open about the way i feel about things, regardless of how politically correct they are, and wouldn't stop my tongue even if i could. but then again there are things i would never expose about myself, even to me. hesitancy is not in my nature, and i act as if i choose the consequences of my actions. everyone has regrets and i am no exception, but for the fact that life is about going forward and not back, i would probably have crawled back into my mother's womb and stayed there.

the entirety of it is this: i have acknowledged that i am here now, and know i won't be in five years. i have been, am and will be changing. you may know me now, but friendship fades fast when you're out of touch. all it comes down to is that you don't need to know everything. if you love me i will reciprocate, simple as that.

blast from the past.

reminiscing of late had reminded me of a forum long forgotten, by me at least. and yes, my deviantart lives! unearthed two of my favorites, probably written in the time spanning from 06 to 08, enjoy them, loyal readers! :]

CAKES AND COFFEE

while the world seems to turn it's back on you
i'll be here baby, i'll remain true
in my hands cakes and coffee
i'll be right here, armed with a story

about when you ask the how, the when, and the who
i'll be right beside you if you want me to
in my hands cakes and coffee
i want you to know you're all you need to be

if you ever have a horrible day
sweetheart, i'm only a phone call away
in my hands cakes and coffee
hoping with everything you'll turn to me

and when you decide that you've had enough
when you finally realise no one's that tough
in my hands cake and coffee
cos nothing is sweeter than an old fashioned love story

could i BE any cheesier. hahaa!

and another:

DIRECTION

so much for the street lights,
they've never led me home.
never led me to you
and i've never felt more alone in this,
this empty room.

what have you done?
so divine in it's sin
the taste of you lingers on my lips
and you,
you're the beat to my heart
torn apart and severed
it's in a box,
on it's way to you.

nothing feels the same now that i'm with you.

the weekend hasn't been bad per se, but a difficult one, and not in a way you'd expect.

the bulk of yesterday was spent at home. recieved, at 9pm, an invite to timbre and so away i went. tee's brother was back, and for some reason wanted me to be a part of the welcoming committee. it was nice seeing hedger and ti again, soap, his lovely girlfriend, and of course finally meeting tee's brother was a good thing in itself.

beers, champers, jagerbombs and martinis later, came the ghost of christmas past. shocks and surprises aside, it still made a strange discussion. we finished talking at what would be 4 am in the bloody morning and then left more mindfucked then when i went.

all in all, a whole lot of emotional indigestion for just two days. in regards to the events on saturday, i really don't know what to make of all this drama. how does one react in situations as these? on one hand, gain the chance to have everything i've dreamed of with someone, or walk away and preserve what sanity i have left. needless to say, what my darling friends would advise would be predictable and for good reason. but much as i may be out of my ever lovin' mind, i (not-so-secretly) believe that whatever we had can still be salvaged.

can you blame a girl for trying?

le sigh. like i said, mindfucked.

love.

it's never been easy to leave an unanswered question hanging. at least not for me. from the time i was 4 till now, it's been a part of my nature to ask, question, revisit, and dig. lecturers never liked me very much, but mostly because (i presume), they think my queries are too frequent and annoying. didn't matter, since i discovered google.

tonight saw me frolicking amongst strangers, good looking ones i might add. but all in all a most uneventful night.

of course, there was the meeting up with jbs and russly, two founding members of the very first chips gang. but then, as always, we drifted apart, mostly my fault i must say. but i had more than one place to be, as bloody usual.

went to le noir, where i usually make my weekly appearance, saw some old and new friends and was completely at home. then decided to go to bloody golden mile to meet seanie, whom i love with all heart and soul but not enough for me to go to GM.. only i realized that too fucking late.

the girls were on stage, seanie insisted on buying drinks for this particular girl that was fucking hideous and with not a very nice personality either. le sighh. we love each other too much to let go darling, why immigrate?!

anyway, moving on. left me to wander off myself, which eventually made me get into my own cab to send me home. for some reason, it left me thinking of how fragile relationships can be. not just between boyfriend and girlfriend, mind you, but even friendships, kinship, and a day to day acquaintance. how they can make a difference.

seanie is leaving singapore for good and that makes me wonder how much i'll bloody miss him. i've lost a lot of friends the last few years, but none compares to the the bleeding bond seanie and i share.

ANYWAY, beer, flowers, girls, kisses and hugs aside bb, i want you to know that you're one of a kind, and i'll never be able to find a replacement for you. i will always love you, regardless of where you are, xxx. for you:

moving past this, giving notice.

with regards to my absence, nothing much to say, just that i've been extremely busy. what with? for starters, there's OZ season one through six. then marathons of movies, scrabble matches and of course, alcohol binges. (so much for the AA, i know.)

moving on, some of you know that i was out on a blind date on friday night, set up my my baby sister no less. have been getting PMed as of the last few days and nights asking how it bloody went. verdict: not well at bleeding all.

short of actually attacking me, the boy (not man, for a good reason.) had no tact whatsoever. apart from possibly being raised by apes, i see no plausible explanation as to how someone could be so fucking rude.

at the time it seemed so harmless. he was supposedly good-looking, charming, smart and witty. reality checked in with nothing more than a well coiffed dickwad. rid myself of the insensitive, leg-humping bastard as soon as i could and went on my merry way to, as you've probably guessed, alcohol and defo much better company.

yesterday, saw me meeting up with tee. although the level of comfort is far from ideal, i suppose it's what i've signed up for with my eyes wide open. a fresh wave of heartache washes over, but surprisingly, i find myself coming up for air as i should. proof that i am indeed getting over the novelty of being alone.

the past few weeks have proven me capable of vulnerability and while i do like feeling like i can lean on someone, it seriously sucks when there is no one there. however folks, there is a lesson to be learned buried under this multitude of crap, and it's never to set yourself for more hurt than you can handle. while all relationships require trust, blind faith is not something to be reckoned with.

well. as aforementioned, moving on.

and in the quiet.

Along to the strains of peaches, people are gyrating on the dance floor. What they call “fire dancers” (baton twirlers with light sticks or in some extreme cases, actual flaming batons.) are showing off their skills on the tiny stage. I am in a club, as is almost second nature to others my age, but tonight, I am somewhere I don't belong. It somewhat reminds me of a documentary on animal planet. Everyone here tonight is a wild thing.

I catch snippets of conversations and it seems everyone here speaks normal english, without any ridiculous slang or jargon. I look around for the first time and take the room and it's occupants in. Black paper roses, black balloons, and black ribbons with gold trimmings, the interior seems to be decorated by the same committee that organized the event. Almost everyone here is dressed in black. And not just cocktail black, but elaborate, victorian lace black. More costumes than clothes, these characters who will not remember me tomorrow drift near and drift past, as if sensing an outsider. Almost if they can smell it.

The girl next to me appears as friendly as it gets and I pick my balls off the floor and talk to her. A series of question and curt answers later, I know her name Is Vanique, she is as old as the club is, and she cared not to be bored by my abysmal chattering any longer.

I finally get my coke and drink it as soon as humanly possible, the only thing in mind being the way to the exit.