for to be wise, and love, exceeds a man's might.

last night, i couldn't sleep. thoughts filled my mind and it was just too overwhelming. i watched the sun come up as i had a puffed my way through the pack of cigarettes i just bought, pondering the great mysteries of life.

i say the words "great mysteries of life" out loud to no one, and then wonder if they are just great mysteries to me. i think about other people in the world who wonder about the same things i do and think about what could have happened in their lives to make them think the way they do. i wonder if they are as tired as i am, and if they have as many sleepless nights.

i wonder what they are doing with their lives.. if they have partners, and if they do, do they feel complete? i think of my existence and i think about how i have affected those around me. i imagine how i could have impacted their lives on varying levels, good and bad, and how many of them will still remember me in 20 years.

as i listen to the sounds of moog and erin renee, i wonder what went through their minds as they wrote their songs. i decide to google their lives when i have the time. i tell myself to think about things that make me happy. my mind goes blank for awhile, then i think of crayons and color pencils, silly putty, bacon, tree houses (always wanted one of those), a baby grand piano, a beach that goes on forever, and love. i stop. i decided i've done enough smoking for one night and head for bed. only i can't, so i decide to meditate, and let my soul have some rest.

today has me wondering if my heart is just not ready. it also has me fearing the possibility that it may never be. what i need is to find assurance that inner strength is more than what i have to offer people, and that i am already whole.

i suppose, for too long, i've let the world define me and my place in it. getting lost once in awhile is all very fine and well, but i'm tired of being a wanderer. this exhaustion is all consuming, and while satisfying at times, i can go no further. now, if only i had the discipline to live the way i want, and let the lure of unattainable destinations tempt me no more.

maybe, then, i could sleep.

for laughs.

okayy, so you know how every time i find a new obsession i go on and on about how i adore so and so but maintain that i am not abandoning so and so?

quick update: i am currently in love with g dragon, top, taeyang, park jung min and of course, kim hyun joong. i don't need to decide because let's face it, it's never going to happen anyway, also, i need to compensate for the lack of a real, existing man in my life. what better cure than 5 imaginary boyfriends?

for clarification's sake, the imaginary boyfriends are also known as "ze fantasies", so rest assured i'm not doing any imaginary cheating when i use either term.

ohh god, if it actually happens with any one of them (fat chance i know, but a girl can dream.) this blog post would be so, so embarrassing. whatevs though. it's obvious that i'm in good spirits today, (mostly because i had incredible imaginary sex last night) and i will not apologize.

thanks boys, wherever your real selves are. you put an average jane in a really.. really good mood.

goodbyes this way.

trust.. faith? i know not what would be appropriate to say to myself tonight. i am blessed to have friends like pat around me, for the warmth only good company can offer. at the same time, i suppose i'm looking for something more.. maybe just more. realistic or no?

and suddenly there's nothing left to say, but that i cared too much too long. i am 23 years of age now, but i feel a lot, a lot older.

it's been a so-so birthday, but thank you to all for the love. xxx

fine on my own.

i had a really good day yesterday, and was in good spirits when i got up this morning. however as every cynic (or realist) will tell you, good things don't last, and i have found myself once again doubting the integrity of the average person.

getting emotionally invested is something that some of my friends know i have a habit of not doing, especially when a person and i are still in the dating phase. i have always thought that this was in the interest of self preservation, but men have told me that i should let my guard down more, as the ability to trust in another human being is an attractive thing.

so either i have horrible timing, or i've been doing the right thing all along. i do not understand why people choose to wait till i am vulnerable enough to hurt when they decide to leave. just for clarification, this is not bitterness, but anger at being lied to, which i think is perfectly justified. though, in some small way, i am only consoled by the fact that the person you just settled for isn't me.

regardless, nothing gives you the right to go around telling people how much they mean to you when your words obviously mean fuck all. and because you deserve nothing less (you know who you are), here's the finger for treating my heart like a plaything. have a nice life, asshole.

following your joy.

so a few days ago i gave a random stranger in a cafe a note that said hakuna matata (well, put it on his table as i was walking out) because he looked sad, and today, the story has already come full circle. if you ask me now why i did what i did, it really was because this song was playing and it made me happy. i suppose i wanted to try and get someone else happy too.

while it's good to hear that something so simple could have made someone's day better, it just makes me wonder how scarce acts of kindness have to be for it to spread as quickly as this. it's not that people don't have it in them, surely. it really doesn't take much effort or time.. and even if it did, it really is worth it you know.

people really should be nicer to one another, methinks.

happy, together.

just being friends and hanging out.

today was one of the better ones this week. spent the first half of the day working and being nine kinds of productive then went to watch the croods with K. i had a nice time.

K, in case any of you are wondering, is someone i've known pretty much since birth, our families being long time friends. we used to go to church together and we never got along. his sister happened to spot me at a club last year and K was with her. just like that, we reconnected through a chance encounter. now a year later, we're getting progressively closer and it's really incredible when you realize how so much can change and how so much stays the same.

it's times like these that i can't help but be amazed at how people can stay with you even when they leave. it's just makes their reappearance in your life all the more impactful. so to friends like K and Su (whose prettiness prefaced this post.), who were pretty much MIA for awhile (okay, a long while.), i'm glad you're back and i'm thankful to have you in my world. you guys know who you are.

also, croods was pretty fucking awesome.

chin up.

if you need a helping of hope, here is a short film to perk your spirits by disney, in the way only disney can.

things are tough because living was never meant to be easy. don't give up because life never throws you more than you can handle. the solutions to your various issues, of course, is something you'll figure out with time.

happy mid week everyone!

time.

face it. there's nothing worse than regret.

somewhere to begin.

for too long, it seems that i've had front row seats to my own life. always close enough to smell the sweat, but still merely a spectator to the things that are happening.

sure, i get sad, but nearly everything gets me down these days. emotional, yes. it's a wonder how i still feel so utterly detached from the reality of everything. as i'm typing this, i wonder is any one has ever felt the same way i do. probably.

someone said that one of my previous posts seemed pretentious. i don't think i was really offended. i don't think i knew how to react.  i can't even remember what i said. i wonder what that person really thinks of me. does he see vulnerability, hypocrisy, anger, bitterness, loneliness or fear.. what? i don't know if i care.

after days of mulling it over, i still don't know what i was thinking what i wrote what i did down in that particular post. i don't know why i have this sick compulsion to care what people think, and try to change their perception of me for the better. i don't know what it really means when i say that because i can't be sure that i give a rat's ass in the first place.

i know i'm confused. i'm probably not as messed up as i think i am. but who'd know, seriously.