act three.

what's new, really. when you think you've finally settled down, another whirlwind comes and leave you to pick up the pieces again. cest' la vie they say, the show must go on and all that crap. you know what, for once in my life, i'd like to fucking wallow.

ha. lean on someone. the novelty of it all was so refreshing. the fact that someone was WILLING to let me lean on them for a change. should have seen it coming. again, as they say: if it's too good to be true, it probably is.

as to what i think about this whole shebang, you should already know, unless you didn't bother getting to know me at all. and fyi, one of the reasons i hated you talking about your exes so much is because i knew for a fact that i was just going to be another statistic. number 39 as it were. you've never given a thought for anyone but yourself and just so you know, it hurts. a little respect for someone else really wouldn't kill you, i promise.

continuing my journey to chips tonight was a mistake, so what if i were already on the way. proving to myself that restraint was possible ended up in total disaster anyway so i'm not going to try anymore, swear it.

really what possessed me to think that you were better than this i cannot imagine. excuse me, but i'm done being apologetic, now am just mostly angry. in conclusion, thanks for the memories tee. i just wish you'd stop making the new ones increasingly painful.

trouble sleeping.

jaded, not to say i'm giving up.

andrew was right, i don't know what it is that i want. i've always thought i did, but in light of recent events, the truth has become so obvious, even i can't ignore it.

too young, he says. i refuse to believe that's the cause for my confusion. if this were so, i'd still be farting around doing nothing with my life and living off my parents no? i'd like to think it's not due to youth, but more a personal choice that i've made to blind myself to some of my faults and my immaturity has told me that people adapting to my personality is the way it should be.

tee and i were having the first real conversation in a week on friday. i'm ashamed to say that this is exactly what i've accused him of. not contributing emotionally to this relationship (or whatever the hell it's supposed to be.), he thinks that accommodation on my part is all the love we need. in turn, it's turned me resentful toward the fact that i'm the only one giving in, and he's doing fuck all. no wait, behaving like the cats he hates. taking and not giving anything back.

so the question really is, what now? while it's become pretty much obvious that tee and i can't continue the way we are because it threatens both out professional and personal relationship, i really hate thinking about what it would be like without him around at all.

ahh decisions, decisions. it really gets to me, how they're usually not mine to be made.

if you wanna know how to make me smile.

"a thousand miles seem pretty far but they're got planes and train and cars. i'd walk to you if i had no other way."

ahh, what i would give to have someone feel that way about me. at the moment all i've got is someone that would walk over only cause he worries about the fare. defo think i should be doing better but for some reason, this unwillingness to let go is all consuming. i must be a masochist.

games.

ahh the week saw a whirlwind of activity. to be honest, i didn't expect to many things to happen, as i've assumed i've settled into what i've thought to be a mundane and somewhat comfortable existence. apparently, life has other plans, no?

new friends, lost and found friends, best friends, and people i'm really not too eager to talk about at the moment, came and went amidst bouts of alcoholic inebriation. of course there's the good "omg i'm loving this let's party hard" kind, and the not so good "ahh fuck what am i doing here, i want to leave now" kind. thankfully, i had more of the former for the week. i'm grateful.

well now that i know that there's another fan of my blog, (hello andrew!), there's another reason to blog-n-entertain again. honestly i've missed this. haven't been coming here not because i've run out of things to talk about, but i simply haven't had the time to spare.

but of course, i have a gem to share. a personal revelation of sorts when i was talking to a certain someone. well, as someone very famous once said, time enjoyed is never time wasted. i've only just remembered this, shockingly. whatever happened to doing stuff just because i can?

fact of the matter is, i'm changing. decisions i've made recently are very different from the kind i'd have made two years ago. between the two, i'm very much aware of who i'm turning into. sacrifices aside, i actually like it.

so there, i'm not angsty, i'm just growing up. occasional grievances are normal, aren't they? (at least i think so, hahaa.) doubts and other nonsense that fester in my mind sometimes get the best of me, but if you can't deal with the worst of me, you really don't deserve the best (yes, marilyn monroe!).

in short, a big thank you to all my lover-ly friends, for understanding that i've not had the best of months, and listening. words are not enough, but i love you all. <3

baby you, have become my addiction.

i'm overwhelmed by the sudden impulse to throw myself out of the window. so many things to do, so many leads to follow up on, so much to map out. it's driving me crazy. but then i can never let tee know. much as he won't admit it, he needs someone else to be strong every once in awhile and i'm really more than happy to oblige. least i could do ainnit?

means a lot to me when he says the things he does sometimes. they can be so insightful and sensitive, like he really knows when i feel down and need some assurance. (the rest of the time i feel like strangling him.)

the last month has seen so much drama, and i quite honestly, none of that was called for. a lot of the time, i may seem detached and cold, but that's only because i don't want to get myself knotted in someone else's web of self destruction. not because i think they're problems should stay their own, but because sometime i feel terrible enough myself and i don't feel like i can take on the extra load. listening and nodding along is all very fine and well, but of late i realized that it's, more often than not, not enough.

either way, it's really starting to take a toll on me, this farce. so what else is there to do but shake it off?

rest assured,
i'll not neglect or forget,
even if i'm not there.