your sleepless-ness makes you a liar.

dearest chokko,
goodbye my friend and mentor. you'll be sorely missed. and god know however bad it may get, you'll always have memories of us to keep you happyyyyyyyy. :D

best of wishes love,
me.

on another note,

you are, the dark ocean bottom
and i am the fast sinking anchor
should i fall for you?
you are the scar on my tissue
that i show all of my new friends
should i show you me?

all we need is a little bit of momentum
breakdown these walls that we’ve built around ourselves
all we need is a little bit of inertia
breakdown and tell, breakdown and tell

that you are the rain on the fire
deep in the trees when no one was looking
should i, speak of this?
you are a mirage in the distance
that defies the heat of the desert
should i, believe in you?

these rules are made to break and these walls are built to fall
these rules are made to break, us all.

now what?

post-depression kisses, and candle-lit romances.

i wqas yelled at today. i basically starved myself for the entire shift because i simply could not bear to even look at the shit they feed us. i think i'm getting hungry. i forget things like setting teacups and that irritates me. and i haven't had a cigarette in more than an hour.

i am NOT in a good mood.

god. help.

do you know how love feels?

it's like your heart
is being ripped out of your chest,

but also like your lungs
taste breath for the first time.

this circle, i'll probably never escape..
but i really like it here,
your heart i call my home.

PLEASE,
my fantasies, dreams.
don't end.

from every heart you break.

am feeling emo but happy at the same time. is that possible. i just drank a third of a bottle of wine in under 15 mins. maybe that explains it.

i miss you, i really do.

in view of the recent D&D (which i did not attend.), i've been tasked with the topic of meet ups. why there are, in existence, such functions, such gatherings.

i myself was never much of a believer of such congregating. to a blatantly unsentimental individual such as i, going for dinner with a headcount of more than five is a meaningless waste of time. and i mean it literally.

especially for girls (and i know, because i was from an all-girls secondary school.), they would never, i repeat, NEVER, leave the house without checking out what everyone else is wearing, and they take forever to get dressed themselves. end result? everyone arrives late.
(EST. TIME WASTED: 1 HR.)

next, and this applies to both ladies and gents, the destination point is constantly being modified, and everyone gets lost.
(EST. TIME WASTED: 45 MINS.)

and since no one ever thinks about just picking a restaurant first, it is decided that it would be best vested in everyone's interest to meet, then choose where they will be having what would appear to be their last supper. therefore,
(EST. TIME WASTED: 30 MINS.)

when the group is finally IN the restaurant (thank the lord no one died of starvation along the way.), one will have to wait for everyone else to decide and order what they will be having. it is only the most BASIC of manners, is it not?
(EST. TIME WASTED: 30 MINS.)

during dinner, everyone talks about nonsense that's hardly even relevant anymore and bitch about people they used not to like. and that in my opinion, is the point. that there is no justice in the world and there is no longer reason for the birds to sing. when the arguement becomes moot.
( EST. TIME WASTED: 3 HRS.)

me? i love my solitude. the only two types of gatherings i feel obliged to show up for are weddings and funerals.

however, not being at D&D this year has made me feel like i totally missed out. people were coming to me telling me that MIKO was the most gorgeous mer-transvestite in the history of ever, that the games were awesome, and not forgetting DAVID, the first drunk of the day, was up to unforgettable antics. hearing everything, i would have killed to have been there. witnessing all this for myself first hand would have been awesome, but missing drunken fun with the people i've grown to love and respect?

-insert sad face

i would have sent a postcard but you guys would have gotten back before you'd recieved it. still, there will always be next year, and doubtless, it will keep getting better. to all those who made it there and didn't, fret not. just because you didn't go to batam does not mean you are not part of the family. we still love you. :)

till next time,

BOOMZ!

tonight, as i watched her fall.

how do you explain wanting to stay and leave at the same time?

bleeding pros and cons. i need some divine intervention to know where i'm headed. i desperately miss knowing exactly what i want, you know.

enough of this emo shit i say.

changing the topic, i was in the bus today, and i saw this incredibly frail looking woman walking towards the back of the bus. her hands were full, so she couldn't hold on to any support.

no one helped her, no one gave her a hand. the worst part was when she walked to a seat, but this lady was sitting on the isle seat, so all she had to do was move in, or give way. do you know what she did?

SHE
COMPLETELY
IGNORED
THE POOR
OLD
LADY.

i tell you, courtesy campaign my ASS. some people are just beyond fucking redemption.

_l_

just to know, that you are mine.

i just lost twelve dollars at banlat.
(blackjack.)
HAHAA.

ohh this freedom is something i'll miss
the tenderness,
this sweet caress of a cigarette upon my lips
and the sensual curve of yours on my skin.

please, don't stop.

this time could be better spent, really. when i think of all the things i really want to do, i think about how i haven't done any of them yet. unconsciously, i think i've fallen in between the cracks, and much worse, i wish to stay there. suddenly, i'm restless, i'm pacing, fidjeting, and compulsively start fretting about absolutely nothing. why i feel the need to find solace in being busy right here and now, i know not.

it's a mucus-and-cold-showers filled day.

me, my wine and i.

dear faithful readers who have been reading, please ignore my emo posts. i have not been myself recently.

work, as usual is driving me absolutely insane. my relationship and friendships have been as of late, feeling strained, but i am feeling very much better now.

500 days of summer. oh the memories i thought i'd forgotten about that the movie made me remember.

rather than stereotypical love stories, it's a story about love.
incredible how the two can be so very different.

WHY IS REALITY SO CRUEL.

strange that sometimes i feel like such a baby when people comment me on being so mature. i really am not.

D:

离歌


一开始我只相信伟大的是感情
最后我无力的看清强悍的是命运

你还是选择回去
他刺痛你的心但你不肯觉醒
你说爱本就是梦境
跟你借的幸福我只能还你
想留不能留才最寂寞
没说完温柔只剩离歌
心碎前一秒用力的相拥著沈默
用心跳送你辛酸离歌

原来爱是种任性不该太多考虑
爱没有聪不聪明只有愿不愿意

看不见永久听见离歌

hold your head high, heavy heart.

WHY.
DO.
YOU.
KEEP.
DOING.
THIS.

dreams, dreams, of when we had just started things.

spent the bulk of last night fidgeting and wriggling under the sheets. had a strange dream when i finally drifted into much desired sleep. however, rest was unbearably fitful. i had a strange dream, unlike any of the others i've had.

i'm wearing black, and i seem lost in a sea of white. the scene some how shifts, and i look across, and i see myself in WHITE, looking perfectly comfortable in a sea of black.

it was like looking in a mirror, but not quite. perturbed enough in the dream itself, i somehow manage to find a spot in a field of sunflowers, and i realized that i'm dressed in YELLOW.

i wake up, and it's 4pm in the fricking afternoon.

we won't.

"Compared to Sarah n me, she preferred me. And both she and Pu felt that me and Max are more compatible. But i told them I'm not ready for a relationship which Max want. So it's like flirtatious nite."

for someone who's apparently incapable of proper english, i have to say i'm impressed.

cos, i'll regret,
everything that i've said
to ever make her feel like she was something special.

sometimes, i have to remind myself.

apart from the hatred i have towards zee, i have to say, i can't blame her alone. have i not been assertive enough about my stand? boyfr, you need to take me more seriously when i say no.

on a different note, i find myself falling more in both love and hate with my job. customers remembering my name makes my entire shitty day better, while my memory when it comes to the specials consistently fail me.

why,
oh why GOD.

today wasted the bulk of my day chasing what i thought was a cash check. flew down to bedok to collect my IC so i could take my paycheck in cash. got to bedok interchange to find the bank closed. went to the POSB branch in kovan, queued for forever and the teller told me with this shit-eating grin that it was a CROSS CHEQUE.

i was ready to murder.

filled in my particulars and dropped the cheque like a normal person, while on the inside i was seething with the madness of a fugitive from the institute of mental heath.

like,
KANINABEHCHAOCHEEBYE
NINABUAYNEHBU.

i have no idea what i just said.

note to self:

paychecks are a minor issue, i know. but today when i looked at the cheque in my hands, i knew this was getting dangerous and i should do something about it. but rather than get up and do something to stop myself from wasting into oblivion.. i wonder why sometimes i continue sitting there and thinking of ways to stop myself from rotting.

ra, actions to words please.

alright, alright, slow down.

so i was wondering how people can be so blind to each others' faults. how A can trust another being with his darkest secrets, fully aware of B's inability to keep his mouth shut. how C can take A's word for it, whatever the subject matter, knowing that A's dishonest as hell and couldn't tell the truth if it was pointing a gun at A. how B can take C seriously, knowing that C isn't.. well, a serious person.

i had a revelation, folks. that people are all the fucking same.

we're analog players in a digital world.

we've all been programmed. while to know, think, reason, and react, are all well within our grasp, to actually do what we should is, at times completely out of the question. how do you beat a system you were born to?

and THAT, my friends, is the fault the mighty power, emotions.

why the rant?

i'm just saying, people should really start taking me more seriously. i laugh and joke when i have to, because i have to. it is essential when it comes to my survival in certain circumstances, in this instance, work. i may be careless and overlook certain things, i may be forgetful.

but i am,
CERTAINLY. NOT. STUPID.

we should start our own, from the first block.

it's been a long time since i've last blogged, and this is the last of my four off-days and MCs i'll be having for this week. why the delay?

the lack of motherfucking inspiration.

but tonight, i watched a movie. one of many in the last few days i might add (there's really not much to do when you're being confined at home due to a throat infection and you can hardly communicate anyway.).

joy luck club. watched it once when i was just a kid. had to do a twice over because the movie was so goddamned profound i didn't know what the hell they were talking about half the time. in CHINESE no less.

in short, it's a story of four families, two generations each and their defining moments in these women's lives that made them what they were. incredible story i tell you.

one man stands up for his wife in the movie to his mother who's being a bloody racist and says,

"i'm sorry mom, but you just made a fucking asshole of yourself in front of the woman i love."

nuff said. go watch.

i think i could have this lovin, for awhile.

i work in a beautiful place with lover-ly people now. maybe it takes getting used to, but being a runner is seriously a bitch, especially after i just got my typhoid shot.. i seriously need to die. DIE. at the end of the night i felt like the soles of my feet were gonna melt into my shoes, and my calves were gonna snap right off at the knees. okayy i'm ranting, bye.

like another dramatic actor, starving for work.

it's times like these i just know we'll miss when they're gone.

last night saw myself suffering a roller coaster of emotions. it honestly felt like i had a whirlpool in the pit of my stomach (NOT the i-need-to-shit kind.).

it's crazy how i miss girlfriend, and i think it'll just get worse as days go by. at least i know we'll spend every off day together in the best of ways, but till then,

i'll be missing you,
and i'll keep falling faster.

on to other things, i really do detest people that selfishly waste MY precious time. i like a majority of things done fast, and waiting for anything more than 10 minutes (apart from orgasms.) is really not in my list of to-do's.

for everyone's information, an average being spends about 45 - 62 minutes a day waiting. that's 274 - 377 hours a friggin year. the average of that would be 326 hours a year, or thereabouts.

THREE
HUNDRED
AND
TWENTY
SIX HOURS
A YEAR

JUST
WAITING.

okayy. whatever if you want to wait. but i, the great ra, have BETTER THINGS TO DO WITH MY TIME.

excuse me if waiting for wallpaper to peel, for flowers to bloom, for juveniles to mature, for money to fall from the sky, is not exactly my favourite past time. do whatever the fuck you want and wait your life away, but please spare a thought for the higher beings.

people like ME.

insert sad face here.

I DON'T WANT MY HONEYMOON TO END PLEASE.

i would stop time,
to stay here with you
i would stop time,
so we don't move
i would stop time,
i would stop time,
i would stop time,
to keep you

by my side
in our summer,
our last summer.

i'm crying so hard,

I CAN'T BREATHE.

consolation prize goes to..

why the fuck do men think that women are complicated?

women think too much about how the guy's using them. about how a guy is treating them. about how a guy SHOULD be treating them. about how a guy is playing with their feelings. about how a guy is just lusting over their bodies.

forget about how those people entertained you, ladies. forget about how they asked you to dinner. forget about those innuendos. the fact is, THESE GUYS LIKE YOU.

i am DONE telling women about how their men should think while dating them, and what men should think about while you are having a date with them.

i'm going to talk about how you should think when you are on a date with them.

i just went for a drink with M and R, so trust me.

men are straight creatures. men want things to be simple. whether they want you out on a date to see how you're really like, or they want you out so how they see what you're like when you're drunk, or whether then want to you to have sex with them, they're honest about it. really. of course they have different methods of approaching:

see what you're like:

• what are you like when you're high?
• what do you do when you're bored?
• what do you like guys to do to you when you're horny?

see what you're like when you're drunk

• what are you thinking of?
• you look really upset, what happened?
• please don't do that.

whether or not you want to have sex with them:

• it's really hot don't you think?
• do you wanna go back to my place?
• lick the lollipop, bitch.

i don't know. but men do have a one track mind. if they like you, they do. ladies, go with you're gut. if you think they are worth it, you're usually right. if they're not, listen to your friends next time.

and i'd give it all away.

china one or ps cafe?

decisions decisions.

fuck work lahh seriously. bianca and i talked about this briefly when we were surprising her with tiramisu cake.

bi:
what happened to maturing and gaining independance?

good question.

on another note, girlfriend is currently mahjong-ing (again.) and i've heard some seriously entertaining table talk that i want to share.

whatshisface that came into the house uninvited just plonked his fat ass at the dining table and ate all the food while the foursome was playing. he just randomly started talking about how he went to the government and applied for welfare cash whenever he was broke. and then the topic trailed to how he hated the government. and then how he thinks the government is stupid. and then how he thought singaporeans were stupid for not speaking up enough. to which came the response from evelyn,

evelyn:
and you're stupid for talking too damned much. i hope they arrest you.

i completely agree.
WHAT THE FUCK RIGHT.

i mean, you're ripping off tax-payers' money all the friggin time. from all the hot air coming out of those chapped lips, the guy's skin is as thick as his skull. even his grandmother had a say.

auntie:
mai ca lahh! kannineh! jia jia jia! jia ka liao! ai ta pao mai!
(*shut the fuck up! fuck your tits! eat eat eat! want to bring the food home or not!)

HAHAHAHAHAHAA who knew old people could be so vulgar and comical?

and he just continued talking.

it just strikes me how people only hear what they want to. how could they possibly be so oblivious to insults in their pimply faces from their GRANDPARENTS?

the human race is infuckingcredible i tell you.

littlest things.

a quick update of my life and what's been going on, as i owe it to my avid fans.

i have been bumming, which means mahjong, drinking, smoking, singing, watching movies, catching up with friends over coffee and sexxing (hahaa.), for the last 4 months.

i want MONEY.

so back to black i go. the blackness of dance, music and magic in a smoky room. the reality of either starving or working is once again making itself very hard to ignore.

I WANT LAMB CHOPS
AND ALCOHOL
AND AND HAPPINESS EVERYDAY.
:(

it's such a shame, you can't do that without the magic of greenery.
-pout.

sway.

you've changed. i hope to god it's temporary.

regardless of whether or not you wanna talk to us, or take our advice seriously, we're here. i hope y0u know that, yes?

AIYAH SORRY LAHHHHHHH.

nabei.

edit:

coincidentally, i watched nick and norah's infinite playlist just last night. where's fluffy! :(

an apology.

you know, i really think i'm a good girlfriend, even a mother sometimes. much less a better friend than most.

but the fact that i didn't show up when you needed me there doesn't change. i'm sorry mervyn. will you forgive me?

please please please?

mark your place in time with another question why.

haven't been blogging, but then again what's there to talk about these days? i'm turning dispassionate again, and it's annoying me, really. the fact that i've been procrastinating about finding work and be once more self sustaining is honestly not helping. and to top the list, i've become a somewhat motherly figure to a couple, which is wayy disturbing.

the whole world's gone mexican, i tell you. and it's another one of those LAST SUMMER days.

you don't know,
when all you want is to find home.

tell tale babes.

curious, isn't it, how some people prefer the bliss of ignorance?

i am one of them.

i am, struggling.

so here this guy i just met at amk hub. he comes up to me when i'm on my headphones and literally is begging me to listen. figuring since i'm here waiting for scandal, i have the time, and he's prolly had a rough day, i took out the little buds blasting breaking benjamin. big mistake.

as if mummy hasn't stressed me enough about my non-existant life plan, this guy comes and tells me how stupid it was not to have a financial plan. of course, he was actually nicer than i made him sound, but it really WAS just hard-fucking-selling.

he didn't mean to, but he emphasized how big an ass i already felt i was at the moment. i should have a plan, i should have a schedule, i should have a time line, i should have a career strategy, i should be able to see the future like lee kwan friggin yew. i don't know why, i bought it.

now i'm sitting at some random coffee bean 20 mins later, still waiting for scandal, still having mummy's and the dude's words ringing in my ears. it's rather irritating, really. but i don't know what i want, i don't know what i'm aiming for, and i quite readily admit it. so i'm not as mature as many thought i was, with my making this "big" decision in my life to move out and start out paying my own bills earlier than usual in chinese families.

B.F.D.

why should i know, and why should i care? honestly, all this serious talk makes me feel indignant, but at the same time sends me on a guilt trip around the world. somehow i still am here, back at square friggin one, and i feel my life is so stagnant it makes me sick to the stomach. wait, i have moved on in my life. rather, other people don't see things the same way.. they don't see my changes, or they deem it to insignificant to be recognized.

i do love and respect my parents, i really do, but mummy and daddy i want to live by my own standards. i want to figure out what i want on my own, and on my own terms. i care what other people think, despite my inability to admit it at times. forgive me for that, if i've hurt you along the way(and i know i have.). regardless, this is my life and i live it the way i want to. really, no regrets so far, and i intend to keep it that way.

in essence, what i'm really trying to say is please bear with me. when the shit hits the fan, i want to be able to take it. just give me more time, i'll grow up.

eventually.

the number one joke i hear today.

SHERI I DON'T HAVE AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD OKAY. SON AND DAUGHTER ARE ACTUALLY MAX'S NEPHEW AND NIECE RESPECTIVELY. STOP ASKING MUMMY FUNNY QUESTIONS. TSK.

goodness.

HAHHAAA.

this chaos, this calamity.

so much to do, and so little time.

got piss drunk yesterday, though i don't know why. maybe it was the bad mood, but the alcohol seemed much more potent than it usually is. could have been because nige didn't come, mervy left early, and a particular someone was a no-show. (nabei.)

to fill in the awkward silence, we played a game. at first it was 7 up, then it was up/down with cards. as you can see it was inevitable that boredom would eventually consume us all, so started the survey. or actually answers that i forced out of unwilling candidates. HAHAA WHAT I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN.

ladies and gents, TEN THINGS YOU'D FIND ATTRACTIVE IN A GIRL.

in fact i'm gonna start a fucking series. check this out.


MERVYN says:

• be honest

for some reason, i don't know why this is one of his requirements. but i have to say i completely agree. be honest with the person you're sleeping with (or taking seriously, whatever.) because the repercussions could kill. 1, they snowball like loansharks' interest rates. 2, it's a waste of time. 3, you could be doing something more productive with your time. like having mind-blowing sex. 4, lies spoil everything you could have, so don't fuck it up when you have a chance.

• don't be desperate

lots of women these days seem completely contented with opening their hearts and vulvas up to every tom dick and harry, as if they were gonna miss the last train home. not good. brings me to my next point.

• have some class

hunni, having sex for pleasure is one thing, but adding some restraint can actually be good for whatever relationship the 'two' (subjective.) of you are having. stop calling every five minutes, and see where that takes you.

• don't be a prude

imagine you're a guy out on a date with a chick you've known for awhile but tonight is the first time you're actually going out and not at home on msn or whatever. you take her to dinner, have some wine, then sends her home. you lean over in the car for an innocent goodnight kiss and then she violently pulls back as if you were going to vomit over her three-hundred-dollar-dress, smacks you in the face and yells "what the hell are you trying to do! we've only just met lor!" what the FUCK? seriously.

• put in effort to look good

it doesn't matter if you look like patricia mok or friggin jessica alba. the fact is that nice clothes and some make up won't kill you and it always helps. plus it's a major turnoff if the opposite party is vain, which a lot of people are now. don't overdo it, but try wearing something other than a t-shirt, shorts, and havaianas. your date would greatly appreciate it.

• personal hygiene

if you don't shave/wax, please do. if you've got oily hair, go for treatment. if you're sick, go see a doctor. if you've got dirty nails, go for a mani. if you have fucking B.O. please stay at home. it's true, for some reason. give almost any average jane or joe a nice tan, whiter teeth, nicer hair, and some clean cuticles, they are well on their way to being gorgeous.

• don't expect the guys to pay all the time

money, everybody has some, so why not share? offer to pay sometimes, just because it's nice. you don't want to be people calling you a free loader anyway.

• have a sense of humor

picture going on a date with your pet goldfish. it's just there looking at you with it's huge ass eyes, but it doesn't talk, or do anything apart from nodding or it's mouth opening and closing soundlessly all the time. of course, men generally don't mind the mouth opening and closing, but a little interesting conversation would definitely keep them more interested. trust me.

• be somewhat demure

girl x. chews with her mouth closed, sits with her legs crossed, doesn't laugh like a hyena, drinks her soup, not slurp it, can carry a decent conversation, and can hold as much alcohol as she drinks. what's not to like, really. it's cool to let your hair down and be uncouth and all the when you're having casual fun, but if you're having dinner at equinox, i really wouldn't recommend having your right leg bent up and propping your chin.

• take initiative

it's funny how some girls i know expect the guys to think of where to go and what to eat and what time to meet, then complain about their day with sweetheart to their friends. having ideas and opinions are always a plus for me, so i have to concur with mervy on this one.


this took a lot longer than i thought it would. anyways, i have skid, lian and now, ash on the list as well, so yayy me, love me, and await my next post with bated breath because i am tired and will rest now. :]

life in the next.

today i went to the shurch i used to attend. 20 year anniversary. incredible, i tell you. the kids younger than me are almost fucking twice my height.

foreign pastor doodley was talking about the past, present and future. effective messae, on someone who is now a non-believer, but honestly.

"my future is not yet written,
but it will be.
therefore, my future is my history.
it is my LEGEND."

of course, he was talking about me and my as the church as a unit. me being ra, took it personally.

"my future is not yet written,
but it will be.
therefore my future is my history.
i am a legend."

i actually intend to make it happen.

stay tuned.

B.O.F.

blondie is so friggin handsome i could just eat him.

words, hands, hearts.

you're a fucking nazi. and you're telling people that you think that people believing the beliefs of people long dead is bullshit.

you're so fucking full of it. no wonder your mom thinks she deserves a better son. better person my ass.

on a different note, i sincerely hope MERVY feels better about life and other such things. because i don't like seeing my friends sad. hunni cheer up, we all love you luhh. i hope you know you can always talk to me. :]

recently got in contact with tiffy, ruffles, saito, mark, and other long lost people that i used to hold dear. what is it about people that pulls us apart, i wonder. regardless, i'm glad i did, and you won't believe me if i told you how very nice it is to know i was missed.

<3

wall-e.

the most romantic cartoon ever. where the only words spoken between lovers are directive, eva, and wall-e.

gifts and curses.

it's hard to find good help now nowadays. like it is to find sidekicks, and people who you can trust. even harder, is finding people who trust YOU.

humanity in people were supposed to be a gift. but somehow, intelligence has changed us, greed has us choked. we are no longer as innocent as we were created to be.

i have become so selfish, so wanting. why am i always thirsty? this hunger for attention, time and the other usual suspects never fails to put me in a ridiculous position where i have to choose between what is really important and what i want. usually i give in to my desires, rather than make the sensible decision. fully aware that the appetite is an insatiable one, WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT?

"to err is human,
to forgive, divine."

so the question is this.

is human nature what we were,
or what we've BECOME?

if you didn't know my lines.

absence of posts here have gone unnoticed, as usual, however - apologies, nonetheless. days of late, or rather, nights, have been filled with alcohol, mahjong, movies, chatter and uhm, flexibility(teehee.).

catching up with old friends has always been a pleasure, but rediscovering them never fails to make my day. thursday night was a blast. had dinner with half the the jukies/ momo's. CW's auntie-ness, i realised, i will never get sick of laughing at, no matter what my age.

i mean,
who the HELL
takes out
a fucking CALCULATOR
when the bill comes?

forgot what happened over the weekend, so i'll skip to tuesday.

chips with the clique with a fresh wave of old tension was as unpleasant as always. it's been a long time since i've seen mervy's face so black. nige and i were bitching as per norm, of course, but it really didn't feel the same. numbers dwindled as the night dragged, and mervyn went back to being his usual slutty self after "the thing that the wind blew in" left. finally came bestest and rosy, hours behind schedule but it was still awesome.

eventually, everyone died somewhere, and the three musketeers (nikki, rosy and i.) cabbed back to my place, where we continued to get high on limited edition black label. rosy and i had a heart-to-heart, while bestest had a nap. they left soon after, and i was fucking DEAD to the world.

girlfr didn't even notice,
she was having a 12-hour date with her MJ TILES.

(humph.)

slept almost all the way through yesterday, and woke up at 11 fucking pm. felt like a cheebye because i couldn't move without pain. called rosy to apologise.

yes, rosanne lee my newly turned bisexual best friend is probably in australia by now, checking out her new home. an "I'M SORRY LUHH. :(" goes out to her today, because i was not there to send her off last night. :[

woke up this morning to find that girlfr has won $450 from her mahjong session last night, and i'm impressed but still sick. god i hope my fever goes down soon. i really want to go out and watch "OBSESSED" with her. :]

the times we'll probably forget we had.

we'll start with PICTURE OF THE DAY.
(hahaa hippo/ monkey face.)

carrisa, mother-in-law, jordan.

yayy the lovebirds. :]

"how can he possibly stay so white?"
"who? michael jackson?

we hated the service.

i look so freakin skinny.

baby and babe.

we heart animals.

when he cries, his mouth is bigger though.

being quiet, for a change.

outing with the in-laws was fun as hell. apart from the screaming and way-too-hyper 2 year old that we brought along, it was near perfect. we saw the elephants, caught the shows, walked 2938759238475298347 kilometers, got sun-kissed, became lunch for the mosquitoes, and other exciting things like that.

<3.

missed scandal and the rest of fucking JEFS and the ponning days at RP during year one.

WHAT
HAPPENED
TO
OUR
YOUTH?

scandal if you see this, i want to meet up and make out with you. HAHAHAHAHAA. ehh whatever.

heard this one before?

"the eyes are the nipples of the face."

let's go into the frenzy of the season.

to my credit, i DID try to post earlier, but blogger wouldn't let me. so here's compensation. forgive me, loyal all.

these were taken during the period i was working at the ice-cream shop and the place was empty. and all during the space of 2 hours. i am QWEEN.

ohh yes.
(for stacy.)

we rule.
(for leslie.)

the flat-lipped one.
(for SMALL BEAR. HAHAA.)

i was really bored.
(for sheri.)

puss-in-boots look.
(for b. :])

but i waaaaaant :[
(also for b.)

kissy face.
(for yin).

the ventriloquist smile.
(for david.)

this is funny.
(for she will will not be named.)

-pout.
(this makes three for b.)

classic pose.
(for nicole kidman. she should really try to be sweet to the press.)

HAHAA AH LIAN.
(for bear.)

fish face.
(for nikki.)


and for fun and fashion's sake,

hats, mustaches and distorted features.

baseball fan wear.

winter wear.

hippy wear.

baguette people wear.

shades for suntanning.

shades for x-ray vision.

hitler.

drunk.

italian dude.

confucius.

cheena pok.

-gasp. "noooooooooo. he didn't!"

haa.

i'm in the A.A.

cos pretty shoes will get you to beautiful places.

uneventful, but -

at very least, b finally finished watching titanic with me, after 7 sittings.

without falling asleep again.

yayy us. :]

case study 665.

it's strange, after so long, that i still react to your posts. maybe i pity you. maybe i cannot stand your kind. the kind that self destructs, the kind that embellishes the inactivity of your life. and maybe it's the fact that i'm HUMAN, i cannot resist responding.

i don't ever think i've ever seen you HAPPY
with anything you ever had.

you're just angry because you lost what you could have enjoyed.

too bad you're just one short of being something truly remarkable.

P.S.: no offense about the short pun.

this is murder.

this doesn't make sense anymore. i have always been a walking paradox, but the irony is finally getting the best of me. what am i? WHAT am i?

i'm on a rampage,
there is nothing i can accomplish.

but i am everything i can destroy.

in motion.

last few days and weeks have been hectic, hence my houdini act recurring. i apologize to my avid fans.

the staff has officially been fucked my the management of volar. after months of suspicion, doubt and for a select few, unwavering loyalty, the cheena bar at club street has finally been forced to close down.

JM is heading back to china after her long and slow torture. YBM is going to try out being a mamasan. and b is taking a holiday.

:(

nowhere to go and waste my time anymore. -pout.

the landlord of the place actually came down to threaten the cease of operations the next morning in the event that the bosses of volar did not contact him by the end of the night. as it turned out, the management did not only owe the staff money, but also the public utility board, several suppliers, the aircon maintenance company, and now freshly included in this ever-expanding list of surprises, the landlord.

several employees decided, after much thought and consideration, that we would go to one of the bosses, SL's apartment, seeing that LZ, the other boss might have already fled the country. there was no competition of the chances. they were both being strange, both not answering calls, both not replying messages, both motherfucking liars.

so nine people packed into two cars, and after a short stint in the rain, seven made it up to the apartment, while the ones with a more prominent streak of impatience gave up halfway and went home.

the place was a mess. with the exception of the one room which belonged to JM, two other rooms were completely empty, and the third room, locked belonged to SL.

JF, SL's loyal "brudder" was there. he took down names, contacts, and the amount of money the company still owed every employee, as if he was going to do somebody some justice. as fate would have it, YBM, our resident hungry ghost managed to find a four packs of instant noodles, a few eggs, some tou fu, and other items she could brew. since the gas had been cut off, which was no surprise, she decided to use the bloody rice cooker. to everyone's surprise, it fucking worked.

after the impromptu supper, the number of people in the apartment to five. since JF looked like he had no intention of leaving, and JM lived there, the last of us,YBM, b and i decided to take our leave.

halfway back, it dawned on all of us. and we took a u-turn back to club street. our operation began.

nothing was spared. we figured that if we didn't turn to such conduct, there was virtually no chance the previous bosses o f volar would return the money they owed. to avoid working there for basically nothing the last two months, this attempt was to, in essence, lessen the dull ache of pain in the heart that reminded YBM and b that they have been cheated.

b and i managed to come home in one peice, though barely conscious.

it was 3 fucking pm.

blind man.

what is genius? a fleeting gift? a destination? a standard?

but then again, what good is a definition when there is no beauty in it.

i say, find me the passion, i'll give you the title. he did.

i just failed to see it.



art is a vice. you don't marry it legitimately, you rape it.
-edgar degas



how is this so? the concept put before my eyes, and yet.. who are you?

what would your biggest torture in your final hours be?

your deepest, darkest secrets in the closet shown to you on a silver screen,
or the happiest moments you could have had?

this green rain.

i don't see why things had to change.
was it your mind or your heart?
maybe i should learn that things like that don't matter anymore.
not to you.

forgive me, i am becoming uncharacteristically sentimental.

thank you, bastard. (not girlfr.)

consistently inconsistent.

how do you see them? those celebrities. are they really that happy all the time?

its curious, but they've become the better sterotype. the better fraction of god's creations. more blessed, more gifted, more beautiful. how do we match up? how do we compare our fantasies to ourselves?

it's become this endless race. this meaningless pursuit of glamour that no one really does have. like i always question all too frequently: who defines? who gives this a name?

we don't have it. celebs don't have it. doctors, lawyers, highflying businessmen don't have it.

why are we always chasing? the senselessness of this hell hole has become too overwhelming to bear. yes, if you're wondering, it does feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. it feels as if the eyes of everyone i meet, or even walk pass bore into the corridors of my soul and mind. only i alone, do not see what they do.

what they expect of me, and what they base it on, will it ever be possible to find out? i have a theory that no one on the face of this planet is capable of being completely honest with another being. what keeps us from baring all? what separates us? puts us in different classes?

this darkness is stifling, even to the blind.

aren't we only human? do we not all deserve to be treated the same way? smell the desperation, folks. embrace it.

maybe we're just not simple enough to see the fact that we're all the fucking same.

cry me a river - diana krall

you don't know me, so act like you do.

in my world, there is no place for mistakes, no room for indecision. it's not that i cannot, but because i do not. because i do not want to.

i will not.

i will not apologize for something that i was not responsible for. i will not bow to your so-called fame and whatever else. it's really too unimportant.

besides, who's to say what's right and what not, in or out?

these standards are created by man. an opinion of one man, a decree issued by another. just because you think i am immoral does not mean i am.

i cried a river for you.

but then i stopped, realizing how futile it was, trying living in your world.

coma black.

it's strange, how things work out sometimes. maybe i will be a child for the rest of my life, the way i wanted it, but not because i want to, but because i have no choice.

naive thoughts of the darkest persons and their actions, being too nice, too forgiving, too agreeable. these things that mold me, shape and define me, things that frame me, am i supposed to be picture perfect? because i'm really not. i am. maybe.

this isn't the way people told me my life would turn out to be. yet that strange semse of satisfaction that i harbour in the deepest corridors of my soul, lights me. it's what i begin my day with, you know. hope. (cheesy as it is.)

oh the beautiful randomness of life.

"dude, be a poster girl!"

dr neil and mr style.

i just finished reading possibly the most diabolical book printed in this century. it is the most insulting, immature creation i have ever seen to be put in print.

every fucking person on this planet should own a copy.

but then the material would be so regurgitated that it would eventually turn every living specimen of the male population in to a total dickweed and the effect would be devastatingly shit eating.

so i will NOT post the title and name of the author. you can all go on your individual treasure hunt because it's so much more fun.

the book, i will say, has sadly had not much effect on me. however, it would be truthful to admit it has, more than anything else, rekindled my love for the game.

THE game.
seduction.

cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek, push-and-pull. oh the countless tactics women, and in my experiences of execution, men, have fallen prey to.

yes. in fact, the very reason i started this blog in the very first place.

outwit, outsmart and outlive. it amazes me that the author (who is still anon.) manages to managed to break this art down into a bite-sized gold nugget of precise science.

i miss it. i miss practicing it. sure, i still get to sharpen my claws every once in a while now, but it's different, due to obvious reasons. the extent to which i can go. thrills, as i hate them, only come to me now, short lived.

although i do not entirely regret giving up the game (or to whatever extent i have, and also subject to context of the words giving up.), i do, or rather did, enjoy it.

ahh life. the beauty of it all. and the inevitable self-destruction that comes in the end.

isn't it all just so bittersweet?

which is precisely what make it
so dangerous
so lethal
and so devilfuckingly spectacular,
no?

trivial things.

SHIT.

my boots were stolen yesterday outside MIL's house by banglahs who were doing construction.

i hate this place.

nb.

why the FUCK can't people just keep their hands off my property. WHY. steal someone else's luhh!

i'm sorry, that was mean. i mean, i know they earn peanuts and they can't afford such vain things, but who asked them to come to singapore where everything is expensive? that came out wrong. i mean, why do they not spare a thought for other people's feelings? i paid for the damned shoes! i am sick and tired of people stealing my shoes.

see that's why i moved from the condo so reluctantly. because i HATE HDB SHOE BANDITS.

HELLO GOVERNMENT.
TIME TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS.

tsk.



(we've decided to name the baby jerlyn instead :])

ohh, sweet child of mine.

Sarah. says:
hahaa
island creamery is not bad
i still like potong ice cream better tho
the red bean one

stacecake! says:
sheessh i know what potong ice cream is!

Sarah. says:
got different flavour what
stupid

stacecake! says:
is it. i thought potong meant red bean

Sarah. says:
got red bean got the corn one got the durian one
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
kuttu

stacecake! says:
haha
whoops.

hahaa wtf luhh.

yesterday, once more?

it never hurt more than this.

stability or the whirlwind?

or perhaps, the straight and narrow, with detours along the way.

decisions, decisions.

anyways, yesterday night was a tornado of events. saw scandal and fel when i least expected it, and they left halfway to go play poker with justin. HATE YOU.

got around and met a few interesting people. pao-ed mervyn (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.). bestest and rosanne finally came. got an awesome present and an awesome birthday card. went in, pao-ed mervyn again. met a few more strangers. went to macs. ate disgusting fries and a sausage mcmuffin with egg. went home to sweet sweet girlfr.

i missed her.

sometimes, fear is too crucial to miss. fear that you'll make a mistake. fear that you'll make a mistake along your mistake. fear that you may lose that special someone.

takes some people some goddamn bumpy lessons to learn sometimes.

that not-so-silent-night.

yesternight was AMAZING.

met josh, rus and savage at far east first, after i got my hair cut, then was joined by bun bun, nigel and mervyn. bunny got me a silver shiny sparkly top which i affectionately dubbed the space top. I LOVE IT.

(i promise i'll wear it luhh bun bun!)

proceeded to chips after our wabbit had her burger at kfc, then cut the CAKE. oh god that beautiful, beautiful cake. everyone got either a chocolate flower or a blade of grass. it was imba i swear to the heavens. i got a necklace from savage, so

I LOVE YOU ALL YOU'RE THE BESTEST FRIENDS EVERRRRRRR.

girlfr came a bit later, then went to the thai disco upstairs with ah pu and tiger. poor baby, i snapped at her when we at cascaden, while the beautiful night was drawing to an end. but the darling still found it in her to forgive me.

thanks b. <3

all in all, i had an incredible night. i'm awesomely glad i spent my night with you.

KISSES FOR ALL.

ehh can't wait for friday. BESTIE GO AS A PINK PRINCESS LAHH. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.

by the way, went to the hospital to see girlfr's sister-in-law and the newborn baby, and she's fucking gorgeous. if i get to name her, her name will be jeannie.

jeannie

jeannie

jeannieeeeeeeeeeee!

oh gods, too adorable for words.