trendspotting.

apparently, the year has not only been shit for me, but also for all of singapore. possibly the world. amusing, but devastatingly embarrassing things have made both annoyed and ashamed of my nationality, because of such idiocies that my fellow countrymen have claimed ownership of. this post is solely dedicated to airing my views because such is the burden of being a brilliant blogger, and this opportunity to rant is too good to miss. and so, without further ado, a rundown of all that has been going on in this circus.

the hosehbo experience:
the what would be her slapping her mother and the where would be her keeping the universe posted by declaring the life-changing experience on facebook. responses were, at least to us normal people, predictable. shockingly, miss hosehbo responded angrily.
to all that have been flaming that little shit, leave her alone. bitching and getting all riled up isn't going to change anything really. and to HSB, like hello? what do YOU have anything to be angry about. you slapped your mother and posted it on a public forum. blame your absence of a brain, oxygen thief.

the aaron tan hooplah:
boy meets girl, boy loves girl, girl leaves boy, girl loves another boy. sadly, these are everyday occurrences. now, posting a video on youtube about it, is not. 18 year old aaron tan seems to have something to prove and nobody is quite sure what it is. understandable, BECAUSE HIS ENGLISH IS MOTHER- INCOMPREHENSIBLE. unfortunately, of all people to watch this video and post a video response, a foreigner does. nothing against foreigners, of course, but this one just happened to be so rude, everyone was on aaron's side all of a sudden.
first off, why was this clip on aaron's personal rant going viral in in the first place? perhaps it is my impatience that made me cut off the video a minute or so into it, but i really didn't see anything worth my time. second, why is this holysoldierguy or whatever replying to aaron. do you KNOW him? also, why the racism man, where's the love? plus, it really is none of your bloody beeswax.
what i do not understand is what this phenomenon of singaporeans picking sides is caused by: national pride, or just plain hypocrisy. just a thought.

the SMRT debacle:
yes the trains stopped twice in two days, yes a piece of the fucking ceiling broke off and hit someone, yes people could have died. also, there are millions of people dying of starvation. planes are crashing. men, women and children alike are fighting wars in order to stay alive. serial killers are aplenty and people vanish everyday.
my point is folks, shit happens. as i was explaining to TIMMYIZKING yesterday, with an operation on a scale that large, accidents are inevitable.

there you have it. is it any wonder that i'd rather be somewhere far, far away? some advice from a shady character:

SINGAPOREANS,
YOU GUYS NEED TO
CHILL
THE
FUCK
OUT.

seriously.

hands and hearts.

apologies for my previous outburst. have calmed down significantly and am actually happy now.

spent a few hours with NATTIE and ALMO, and gods, have i missed them or? at times like these, i remember how true friends are far and few between. this outing just made me appreciate the both of you all the more, even though almo was a last minute inclusion. HAHAA.

in short, thanks boys, loved every second of it, from your jibes, to the heart-to-heart. now i can say from the bottom of my heart, merry christmas everyone. may your holiday be as fulfilling as mine in terms of rediscovering love and friendship. <3

the best form of mercy.

"do you really want to know?" he smirked. without stopping, he went on, his voice as clear and chilling as the night that i imagined swallowed us whole. "her body will decay after they put her in the ground. she will house maggots and mold, and she will smell of the dirt she lies within. the coffin will cave, and what is left of her by then, along with the chips and splinters will be lost to oblivion. as if she never existed."

i couldn't stop a tear, and then felt ashamed. after all, i hardly knew her. however, now that she was defined by her death, everything about her that i personally experienced was amplified and deafening. of course, that was because i had my part to play in this farce. my emotions and actions are at war with each other, i thought to myself, fighting the urge to gag at the bile i could feel rising at the back of my throat. the bile i could taste. as bad as i felt, nothing could prepare me for feeling worse at the breath that was my own, as it formed the words:

"then she will have nothing more to do with me."

a snippet from the book that is coming along nicely, though i doubt it will be completed any time soon. hope you enjoyed it as much as i loved dreaming it up. comments and criticism, as always, is very welcome.

just general awesomeness.

• to get a JOB.
• to sort out self. (somewhat, anyway.)
  
• clean desk.
• re-colour-code wardrobe.
• get down to putting up corkboards in room.
• install bloody blinds on window looking out into living room.
  
• to slow down on the alcohol intake.
• ditto for the cigarettes.
  
• to finish my book.
• to finish reading everything in my house twice.
• to stop checking emails every 15 minutes.
• quit the facebook addiction.
• quit stalking kim hyun joong (the one and only korean sex god.) online.
• quit stalking ANYONE online.
• watch scarface.
• and all my favourite classics.
• revisit old blog and fish out sexy lines, if any.
  
• getting over tee.

HAA.

and of course, the darling who actually did all the work.

THANKS SAM LOVE YOU VAIR VAIR MUCH. <3

where my heart used to be.

the worst stab wound is the one to the heart.
sure, most people survive it, but the heart is never quite the same.
there's always a scar, which I guess, is meant to remind you that even for a little while, someone made your heart beat faster.
and that's a scar you can live with, proudly.
all the days of your life.

as said by AUGUSTUS HILL in season 4.

if you must know, this is what love is. you know who you are. it astounds me that one can live a lie as big as that. it doesn't change how i feel about you, and i am most definitely not in any place to judge you. but i do want to help you see that by looking out of rapunzel's window and keeping your distance, you're not keeping yourself safe because you're your own worst enemy.

if there's nothing else you can take out of this, just remember everyone's got their own problems, off days, insecurities and skeletons. deal with yours because no one can keep you your happiness without your say so.

there are people who need you here.

like me.

every door i tried, was locked.

so, it's back to work on the 2nd of january. what with it being just a bit before christmas, it seems so far away. unfortunately i know from experience it's gonna close in sooner or later.

quick reflection of 2011, as it has been so far:

on the job front, three different fucked up jobs, three different fucked up employers, enough said.
on relationships, a sad ending, a beautiful beginning, a hasty departure, a bitter heartbreak, leaving a very confused girl. jaded, and unlike the last time the word has been used in this blog, i swear i'm on the verge of giving up.
on other things, a near complete waste of what could have otherwise been a productive year. sadly, what with the afore mentioned that i had to work with, it left too little of me to do much else.

although this has obviously proved to have been a turd of a year, the french is coming along nicely. i have now attained the fluency equivalent to that of a french toddler. which is still something, isn't it.

well, so ONE good thing. something to be thankful for after all i suppose.

sarah, clara and camels.

and insanity strikes again!

tuesday saw me being reminded that sometimes i forget my place. even though good intentions may exist, it doesn't necessarily guarantee the results hoped for. i may very well have pissed off a good friend of mine, but i suppose that when we have been hanging out together this long, a spat here and there is inevitable. of course, this means a cool down period is in the pipelines. le sigh, no chips for awhile then. i suppose i could live with that.

another thing, most of my friends would know by now that i have only just recently sworn off men, and have no intention of revoking that any time soon. however, as always, circumstances just are and ohh well, i may very well be on my way to falling flat on my face again.

l'amore, l'amore. you know, just for once though, i don't want to get together with someone just to have them break my heart again. then again, it's impossible to predict where this will lead me and for all i know.. MAYBE, i'll be happy for longer than a few months.

officially addicted, then.

on to other things, shall be attempting so fix the bloody blinds on my window. i've had it with the stupid translucent panels. it's driving me crazy. also, shall be putting up cork boards in room. desired result is not compulsory, because anything would be better than this hahaa.

apologies for going all over the place with this. i suppose it's a reflection of my current state of mind.

till the next update, x!

happy because.

been working on expanding my media library of late, revisiting a lot of oldies, classics, even show tunes from long ago. unearthed a whole collection that i am ashamed to admit was forgotten along with the carefree days of youth.

some of you who keep up with my shenanigans via facebook updates should have heard of my new resolution. if you haven't yet been informed, i intend to learn how to converse in basic french by the end of this year. call it what you will, but i personally believe this is a half baked, last ditch attempt to accomplish SOMETHING this year.

everyone has been going on and on about how it is december and my facebook notification inbox has been flooded by asinine comments with regards to such. to be honest, i already know what month it is, thanks very much. all it has done so far is rub in my face how abysmal this year has been and that's just bloody depressing.

enough of this pointless moping. why french you ask? well because when i think about the french and their beautiful language, i think of things like:

• romance
• culture
• fashion
• love
• freedom
• food
• art
• music
• love
• love

if these ten reasons aren't enough to convince you that this it possibly one of the most gorgeous languages in the world, i don't know what will.

on to other things, like the list. ahh yes the dreaded list.

• to get a JOB.
• to sort out self. (somewhat, anyway.)
  
• clean desk.
• re-colour-code wardrobe.
• get down to putting up corkboards in room.
• install bloody blinds on window looking out into living room.
  
• to slow down on the alcohol intake.
• ditto for the cigarettes.
  
• to finish my book.
• to finish reading everything in my house twice.
  
• to stop checking emails every 15 minutes.
• quit the facebook addiction.
• quit stalking kim hyun joong (the one and only korean sex god.) online.
• quit stalking ANYONE online.
• watch scarface.
• and all my favourite classics.
• revisit old blog and fish out sexy lines, if any.
  
• getting over tee.

am currently working on the cork boards. all that remains is actually putting them up and buying more thumbtacks and/or pins. also am thinking of putting up favorite photos up in room and therefore am needing some photo frames as well. mon dieu, so much to do and so little time. (as you can see, i am already getting a head start on the french!)

which reminds me, about time to start reorganizing my desk. i have got a calendar that's two years old on it, and for the life of me, i have no idea why.

more later, my darling ardent fans.

whenever i'm alone with you.

it's a strange,
strange situation.
i am alone.

for the first time in awhile, i haven't felt this way.
pray tell,
why, this
PAIN
why, this
caution.
i am not
some dangerous, untamed thing
people have told me
i, i am too wild.

but no, i,
i am tired today.

tonight is for rest.

electrify these boys and girls, if you'd be so kind.

alcohol was the what, le noir the where, and who comprised of everybody who was somebody. yes ladies and gents, i am now divulging the details of my latest binge.

predictably, the night started out slow, but picked up pretty quickly, all things considered. and then i spied with my little eye either a moving da vinci sculpture, or just a very handsome man, during the auction held for the benefit of under privileged children in the spirit of christmas. more on that later.

made a new friend by the name of claudie almost immediately after the charity auction (hosted by a chubby looking venetta lopez) ended, and wound up staying in her company the rest of the night. she's an insane dancer and well, just generally insane.

as the night wore on, the crowd got progressively louder and more rowdy as per the norm. enters, at this point, afore mentioned attractive specimen of the opposite sex. what was puzzling was that he appeared to be dancing (quite poorly) alone. i was as flustered as a secondary schoolgirl and was THIS close to hyperventilating. eventually, we had a dance together and i realized he was quite a prick. remind me again, WHY i insist on checking out "club property"?

but that's okayy. claudie and i were enjoying ourselves plenty and it was nice hanging out with a girl for a change. danced the night away and came home tired and worn out. a night of debauchery has been a long time coming and it's been ages since i have genuinely enjoyed myself like that. t'was a good night!

as a side note, readers of my blog should have realized by now that there are some changes to the layout. tag board's up, and thanks to a friend's suggestion, i am now a nuffie. ive increased the number of posts per page so it'll be easier to keep up with what i've been up to.

as a favor, leave your mark on the tag board, please. it would be nice to know who my readers actually are. i refuse to believe that the numbers consist of 5 friends who check out my page a hundred times a day each. thanks and lots of love.

xx!

didn't know they broke up,

but this should be worth watching!

(click that, kuttus.)

houston, we have a problem.

i love reading aunt agony letters, because i adore pretending to be an expert advice giver. though i never made a profession of revealing the core of their problems and telling them where to put it, many of my friends will tell you i dispense the greatest advice ever in the history of great advice.

here's one that i came across on the net. i felt a need to add on my two cents worth so.

yahoo! news, abigail van buren, tuesday - november 15th 2011

(someone who is harried and has cancer:)
DEAR ABBY:

I have been battling breast cancer and have been blessed to have a lot of support from family, friends and some awesome medical providers. My husband's best friend and his wife socialize with us quite often, and the friendship is important to him. I recently celebrated a birthday and these friends had us over for a belated birthday dinner. They bought me beautiful flowers and a gift. The card attached made a joke about my "aging breasts," which she found quite funny.

Abby, I had a mastectomy, which she knew about! To make matters worse, my hair has just started to grow back from the chemo, so I decided to have some highlights put in, and she told me she didn't like my new hair.

I am hurt and dumbfounded by her insensitive behavior. Unfortunately, this isn't the first time she has said things like this. How do I tell her I'm offended by her rudeness without compromising my husband's friendship with them? -- HARRIED FRIEND

(what abby said in response:)
DEAR HARRIED FRIEND:

You nailed it. The woman is insensitive -- but you said she has also made tasteless comments in the past. For the sake of the friendship between your husbands, tune her out and spend less time with her one-on-one. It's OK to tell her that her joke about your "aging breasts" hurt your feelings in light of your mastectomy, and that as your hair is growing back you thought you'd like to try something "different." However, if you use the word "offended" she'll probably become defensive, so avoid that word.

A final thought: Most people are terrified of cancer. People sometimes try to make jokes about things that make them uncomfortable in an effort to diffuse those feelings. This may be the reason the woman tried to joke about it, so don't let it cause you to carry a grudge.

(what i would have said:)
DEAR HARRIED PERSON:

this may come off as harsh, but woman, grow a pair. or a spine. bitch gotta recognize, man!

first off, she must think she's hilarious, so use humor as your weapon. for example, in retaliation to her knee-slapping aging breasts joke, you could say "well i had a mastectomy, what's your excuse?". in my opinion, such a response is not only witty, but also warranted. about what she said with regards to your 'do, your hair is your business and she shouldn't be in it. tell her so and don't be afraid of offending her. she certainly didn't care whether or not she did you. should her husband, or yours for that matter, have anything to say about it, you may feel free to smack them around a little then throw their sorry, soggy asses out on the street.

my dear lady, you had breast cancer. you're defo better than this woman and there is no reason for letting her push you around. you have a loving network of friends and family who have watched you survive chemo, so how would they feel if they saw you cheat death only so you could be this bitch's doormat? the way i see it, giving her a taste of her own bloody medicine is not just standing up for yourself. it is also giving credit to the people who care about you, and ultimately, for her own good as well.

abby thinks that most people are terrified of cancer. i'd say that's horseshit. EVERYONE, is terrified of cancer, and rightfully so. you have a lot of inner strength overcoming that hurdle love, and if this friend of yours can't respect that, she can jolly well FUCK OFF.

AND THERE'S PROOF.

hot lips back in town.

what with all this mama hoo-ha going on, just thought id share some insight on the topic myself.

saw scandal's status on facebook today and she was going on about how she didn't know what was going on. normally, i would be none the wiser either, but thanks to this invention they call the television, i DO know.

also, this is a direct result of my celebrity-crush on the korean sex-god, kim hyun joong (which i am proud to say, i've stopped stalking). which brings me to the next comment i observed from my high throne.

"Kim Hyun Joong? He didn't went under the knife? He's my idol! ^.^"

don't like that one bit. first things first, your punctuation sucks donkey balls. second, you wouldn't know grammar if it were brought to you in a bucket. and third, if he were your idol, you'd know that he did go under the knife, but only to fix his nose which got hurt in an accident. i also know that he went skinny dipping in bali, that he's pretty much insane, that he's 181 cm tall, and looks like he'd have some mad skillz in bed, but that's besides the point.

anyway, what im trying to say is this, tying in with what i've said on the previous post but now to members of both genders, don't say something stupid on a public forum.. please. there will always be people like me who are lurking and laughing at your grammatical errors, lousy vocabulary and general stupidity.

on another note, tagboard's up. if you have nothing nice to say, by all means say it anyway and i'll try not to reply you. old friends, new and the people i've never met in my life, feel free to leave your mark. comments and criticisms are welcome and you can expect that i'll take them the best way you probably never intended.

love to all!

things that get to me and why.

before i actually go to bed, i just have to bloody rant about girls these days who are giving those like yours truly a bad name.

first off there was that whole shebang about that hosehbo girl or whatever, and now there's this 12 year old chica who's stepping up to say that she too, has given her mother the old one-two.

here's a friendly suggestion. instead of typing about your truly childish misadventures, putting it on facebook, then getting all upset about people telling you off (and rightfully so, i might add.),

HOW ABOUT YOU GROW THE FUCK UP AND LEARN HOW TO READ AND SPELL.

on 14 year olds who dress like bloody prostitutes, expect people to treat you the way present yourself. what's with you tarting yourself up, sneaking into clubs, then going home to blog in broken english about a man flirting with you? and you have the GALL to be incensed? i'm sorry, but sell some of that ass in the shop window and get yourself a mirror.

finally, about young un's (and some who are not so young.) who claim they blog, learn what's appropriate and what's not. there are writers who put up things that are hard to digest, but are discerning about the words and tone they use. don't be surprised to get flamed if you're posting naked photos of yourself, going around making general derogatory remarks about a majority OR minority group, or just putting up childish nonsense. (like slapping your mom.)

newsflash: YOU'RE NOT COOL.

i know this is probably all old news to local readers here, but i haven't yet had the time to blog about this. just putting it our there to let people know that while ignorance or feigning it is a goddamn cult in singapore, i really don't want to just let it go like that. as a person who takes pride in being capable of good english, just let me say this:

ladies of all ages, listen up. if you don't understand the gravity of your words, don't use them. if you don't want to get told off for being inconsiderate, be careful with what you say. in this current age of technology, everything and everyone is accessible so i hope you get that some things are better left unsaid. hurting someone may be unintentional, but it could happen. you may choose your actions but not your consequences, because no one is exception to the law of cause and effect. if you're gonna say shit, expect to feel fucked up about it later and don't you dare get angry about it. these are good people who give a shit about the dump our society is turning into because of people like you. unless your rantings/musings/inane bullshit is meant to garner negative attention to begin with, then a congratulations in advance is due. you'll probably get what you wished for.

thank you.

from TMR.

blogging from work now. just to announce that im officially exhausted to the point of passing away. and i'm not even doing anything. whoever knew teaching kids to sing would be so tiring?

still, much as it sucks the energy out of me, i'm reminded how rewarding it is as well. i have missed this :D

shoutout to all my new colleagues! FIG, MIGGER, and all the rest. <3 thanks to you guys, i am having the time of my life.

sing a song with you.

it's been about a week since i last blogged. have you loyal readers missed my nonsensical rantings?

just a quick update for now. i have since gotten a job, so that can be scratched off the to do list. the wardrobe remains untouched, but as consolation, the last item on that particular list can be taken off now!

also, have been going out fairly regularly, but i noticed my consumption of alcohol and cigarettes have been cut down dramatically. strange, since i expected the stats to rise in conjunction with the increasing number of outings. ohh well. presenting THE LIST!

• to get a JOB.
• to sort out self. (somewhat, anyway.)
  
• clean desk.
• re-colour-code wardrobe.
• get down to putting up corkboards in room.
• install bloody blinds on window looking out into living room.
  
• to slow down on the alcohol intake.
• ditto for the cigarettes.
  
• to finish my book.
• to finish reading everything in my house twice.
• to stop checking emails every 15 minutes.
• quit the facebook addiction.
• quit stalking kim hyun joong (the one and only korean sex god.) online.
• quit stalking ANYONE online.
• watch scarface.
• and all my favourite classics.
• revisit old blog and fish out sexy lines, if any.
  
• getting over tee.
  

aren't you guys proud of me? :D

beer now, more later! xx

never enough time.

met with BAK and started the yesterday out with him at PS Cafe at harding road. some bites and three glasses later, bak went home and i proceeded to PS Cafe at palais (yes it was a day for visiting.) to down a glass of champers. huang was there and she comped me the alcoholic beverage, but when i went to thank her and say hi, she was just as always, outrageously rude. ohh well.

hung out with RUSSLY and JBS at the dodge bar in the basement of ming arcade for a bit and when 10 rolled around, i was pretty smashed up. decided to head home, but surprise surprise, got a call from tee and we decided to meet up. told him exactly what i thought about him and i suppose all in all, it went well. shall not elaborate, but will say it ended amicably and all is not lost.

got home around 12 30 and contemplated the true meaning of love. i used to be pretty sure of the definition but it now all seems so abstract. be it with someone who is convinced he loves me, or someone i have feelings for, the innocence of playful courtship have gone together with my secondary school days. like everybody else i know, i end up second guessing the next person's intentions. which brings me to the next question of what happiness is, or rather, if i will ever get to experience it, and if i do, would i know?

my life has been sectioned off, categorically defined by who i spent that time with. i wonder if any of those men remember me and how. if we were still together, would we have been happy?

and random thoughts like that filled my head, it was only when i remembered what it is always like in the beginning that i stopped feeling sorry for myself. i suppose everyone has their days and whatnot, but i absolutely refuse to continue moping. besides, i have had my moments of extreme happiness. problem is, at this point it's just hard to keep them close. reminiscing is more than recreation, it can also be a tool for comfort. now that i have come across this revelation, i'm spreading the love. happiness, however fleeting, is meant to be held close and dear. i wont waste time being sad anymore, i promise.

live long and prosper!

for all the boys i've helped mother.

things.

im getting quite sick of your constant pulling and pushing. you show moments of sincerity, then complete indifference the next second. you ask me out, then spend time telling me about someone else you're seeing. you say you understand what i went through with you but you behave as if i should be the one apologizing. it's not funny anymore tee.

so what if i still have feelings leftover from what would be our pathetic little romance? i'm only normal and have emotions, but it doesn't give you the right to treat me like crap. i've accepted that i'll just end up being number 39 to you, but there's limit to what i would allow someone to do to me and being your bloody plaything is defo not what i authorized.

like i said, regardless of how i feel about you at the present moment, i have made the decision to move on and in this, i will, doubtless, succeed.

get THAT into your head, you pompous, stubborn, egoistical, genius, millionaire, playboy jerk.

the right to be wrong.

after 2 years of absenteeism, someone i met completely randomly made a huge comeback. surprise, surprise, we got on famously.

a customer at ps cafe, and me being their humble waitress, SONG and his two friends used to come regularly and chill where i used to work. after serving them once or twice, we somehow established a connection. not the oh-my-god-i'm-in-love kind, just that the mutual admiration for each other's wit made us fast friends.

the last i saw them was back when i was piling plates at dempsey, and when i left for palais, i thought i'd never meet them again. and then last night happened!

was stranded last night, all by my lonesome and with no where to go. was texting song and he suggested we meet. said yes, and we agreed to meet at punch. HAHAA, at the string of events that followed.

had my usual dirty martinis on ice, and decided to go to st james with song after. met his group on insane friends and had the time of my life. apart from the buffet of whiskey, beer and cognac consumed, i honestly haven't laughed that hard in fucking ages. lost my shoes somehow and sweet, sweet song took his off and let me wear them. considering it was raining yesterday, it was an extremely touching gesture.

all in all i have to say that he was totally opposite from what i expected. just goes to show that you can't judge a book by it's cover. this really could be the start of something beautiful, don't you think?

just the right amount of awkward.

just struck me how ironic it was that my ex just said how it was impossible it was for us to be platonic friends, now that i've decided to basically let him go.

who's to stay and go, really. i suppose it's not really ours to decide, is it?

either way, the night saw way much more excitement than that. drinks from 6 30 onwards, i was almost properly drunk before i got to clarke quay. made a proper fool of myself, exactly the way people at clarke quay are supposed to. :D

update on the to-do-list, nothing as been done, as expected. yes am still stalking the korean sex god and quite obviously have not gotten over the ex. le sigh, fml indeed.

oh speak again, bright angel!

mostly, the rest of my day was spent on hey arnold!, i neglected to hand in the to-do-list as promised. but whatever, there is always tomorrow, no?

on the other hand, no time like the present. so!

• to get a JOB.
• to sort out self.
• clean desk.
• re-colour-code wardrobe.
• get down to putting up corkboards in room.
• install bloody blinds on window looking out into living room.
  
• to slow down on the alcohol intake.
• ditto for the cigarettes.
  
• to finish my book.
• to finish reading everything in my house twice.
• to stop checking emails every 15 minutes.
• quit the facebook addiction.
• quit stalking kim hyun joong (the one and only korean sex god.) online.
• quit stalking ANYONE online.
• watch scarface.
• and all my favourite classics.
• revisit old blog and fish out sexy lines, if any.
  
• and finally:

back on the topic of old school cartoons, an excerpt!

mr. hyunh:
oscar, oscar! why do you always have to cheat? why can't you act like a normal man?
oscar:
me? what about you? you are wearing a dress.
mr. hyunh:
that is to help arnold! i am juliet!
oscar:
you are not juliet, you are a sad man wearing a dress.
mr. hyunh:
i am juliet! JULIET!

HAHAHAHAHAA DELUSIONS.

such a heavenly way to die.

perfect for a dreary afternoon with a book. still, there's a slight tinge of melancholic electricity in the air, and how it got there i don't know. perhaps the rain, because like most of the people i know, i've forgotten how to dance in it.

if, like the song suggests, that all i want to do is to be with someone, i'm probably doomed for misery. but on the off chance that i do find someone to love me this way and vice versa, i suppose that would be nice. however, like i wrote last night, not likey to happen anytime soon.

besides, assuming i don't find that someone till a double decker bus crashes into us, i may have more time to bargain with that i thought. it offers little comfort, but today, i'll take what i can get.

the long awaited to-do-list will be up later today, if for no one else's perusal, my own. till then!

comedy at it's best.

russell brand's version of a love letter to serena williams:


serena,

congratulations on being so good at tennis. you really do tennis so well, it's difficult not to develop a crush on you. even with a sore leg, a condition that would have made monica seles buckle (remember all that fuss about her back injury!). i'd like you to come and see me do stand up (wink wink!) while you're in the uk, or even come to tea with me. i know you're busy with all the wimbledon hooplah, but damn it woman! you must have some time to nourish your soul and flirt! it's what jesus would have wanted.

call or email me back. we must fill our days with adventure, in case the after life is as serene as your name and not as exciting as your dancing smile.

a respectful kiss,
russell brand


you've got to admit, the man's got godlike skill.

another brilliant quote from the genius:

"thank you for for being so kind to me about my physical appearance.
but of course beauty is transient and one day you and i will both die, jonathan.
we'll be nought but dust.. not today though!
today's going to be lovely!"

i'll stop the whole world.

was scrolling through my blog last night while hanging out with BAK and ended up looking at posts from long ago. though it's often that i do this, it never ceases to amaze how much time can change a person. or rather, what experience years can bring.

though i wouldn't go as far to say how immature and childish i was, i willingly confess that i hardly know the person i was. not so much juvenile, just largely ignorant and indignant about many things. and now, countless disappointments and lessons later, its no wonder i find myself different.

bak, as well as two random strangers, claim that they were impressed by my writing, going as far to say that i should most definitely publish. unfortunately, i don't think i ever will. i have no desire whatsoever to see my life in print. strange, coming from a blogger, i suppose, but it feels like an entirely different thing altogether. perhaps time will change my mind, but for the moment these words will remain on a computer screen. besides, like anne frank, i cannot for the life of me imagine what thought people around the world will give about the musings of a youngling.

on to other things. a recurring of past events have been plaguing me in the form of men. i have observed that whenever i go through a particularly painful phase, i tend to attract men i would otherwise date if i were in a more positive place. not that i don't enjoy the attention, but it goes without saying that i am in no position to commit to any relationship of such nature, not when i'm in this current state anyway. i have too much on my plate to worry about when the next heartbreak will occur, thank you very much.

to be honest, i have been way too reliant on my other half in the past but this time i need to find my own. i'm pretty sure my friends will agree when i say this, that i'm strong but i'm only human. i can't continue like this and i won't let myself drag someone else down as well. hopefully, my countless suitors will understand where i'm coming from and leave me well alone with regards to being reciprocal to their feelings. in case i do give in, however, it will be on my terms and no one else's.

enough for now. more later.

it's official.

i'm in love.

if you don't know me by now.

i am a woman, far from feminine though. i enjoy long periods of devil-may-care-ing, but have been haunted by my own thoughts many a time. i've been told that i have flashes of brilliance, but am also the victim of incredible stupidity.

with regards to my talents, there are none i can think of, but there are many things on which friends and foes alike compliment. i have a strange way of accepting criticism and praise, not to say i don't take any of it to heart. easily distracted, but hell-bent and relentless when i am hooked on something.

i'm a lover, and do not discount the fact that i am also a fighter. i'm tough as hell, and i hate any sign of weakness (which includes crying.), but also have a tendency to break down at the slightest thing when i can take it no longer.

capable of eating like there's no tomorrow, it's strange that i have never (as far as i can recall anyway.) had a single craving for anything sweet. i have never been on a diet, but would probably rather choose death over cellulite. still, i'd sooner consume a double cheese burger than a cup of low-fat yogurt. i love exercising, the more strenuous the better, but would rather die than wake up five minutes earlier than i have to.

i don't shop, unless it's for shoes. and even then, i'm usually out in half an hour. i drink like a fish, and have blessedly never had a hangover in my life. i love music and still want to pursue it as a career, but have long since given up that fantasy of becoming the next culture icon.

i find myself wishing i could change my past sometimes, but have no desire to have any knowledge of my future. i believe in fate, but also in a man making his own destiny. i have this thing where i want to know everyone, but want to remain in complete anonymity. still, i want the people around me to know and love me for me. the irony is that the only thing standing between that and the way things are now is myself.

i am incredibly open about the way i feel about things, regardless of how politically correct they are, and wouldn't stop my tongue even if i could. but then again there are things i would never expose about myself, even to me. hesitancy is not in my nature, and i act as if i choose the consequences of my actions. everyone has regrets and i am no exception, but for the fact that life is about going forward and not back, i would probably have crawled back into my mother's womb and stayed there.

the entirety of it is this: i have acknowledged that i am here now, and know i won't be in five years. i have been, am and will be changing. you may know me now, but friendship fades fast when you're out of touch. all it comes down to is that you don't need to know everything. if you love me i will reciprocate, simple as that.

blast from the past.

reminiscing of late had reminded me of a forum long forgotten, by me at least. and yes, my deviantart lives! unearthed two of my favorites, probably written in the time spanning from 06 to 08, enjoy them, loyal readers! :]

CAKES AND COFFEE

while the world seems to turn it's back on you
i'll be here baby, i'll remain true
in my hands cakes and coffee
i'll be right here, armed with a story

about when you ask the how, the when, and the who
i'll be right beside you if you want me to
in my hands cakes and coffee
i want you to know you're all you need to be

if you ever have a horrible day
sweetheart, i'm only a phone call away
in my hands cakes and coffee
hoping with everything you'll turn to me

and when you decide that you've had enough
when you finally realise no one's that tough
in my hands cake and coffee
cos nothing is sweeter than an old fashioned love story

could i BE any cheesier. hahaa!

and another:

DIRECTION

so much for the street lights,
they've never led me home.
never led me to you
and i've never felt more alone in this,
this empty room.

what have you done?
so divine in it's sin
the taste of you lingers on my lips
and you,
you're the beat to my heart
torn apart and severed
it's in a box,
on it's way to you.

nothing feels the same now that i'm with you.

the weekend hasn't been bad per se, but a difficult one, and not in a way you'd expect.

the bulk of yesterday was spent at home. recieved, at 9pm, an invite to timbre and so away i went. tee's brother was back, and for some reason wanted me to be a part of the welcoming committee. it was nice seeing hedger and ti again, soap, his lovely girlfriend, and of course finally meeting tee's brother was a good thing in itself.

beers, champers, jagerbombs and martinis later, came the ghost of christmas past. shocks and surprises aside, it still made a strange discussion. we finished talking at what would be 4 am in the bloody morning and then left more mindfucked then when i went.

all in all, a whole lot of emotional indigestion for just two days. in regards to the events on saturday, i really don't know what to make of all this drama. how does one react in situations as these? on one hand, gain the chance to have everything i've dreamed of with someone, or walk away and preserve what sanity i have left. needless to say, what my darling friends would advise would be predictable and for good reason. but much as i may be out of my ever lovin' mind, i (not-so-secretly) believe that whatever we had can still be salvaged.

can you blame a girl for trying?

le sigh. like i said, mindfucked.

love.

it's never been easy to leave an unanswered question hanging. at least not for me. from the time i was 4 till now, it's been a part of my nature to ask, question, revisit, and dig. lecturers never liked me very much, but mostly because (i presume), they think my queries are too frequent and annoying. didn't matter, since i discovered google.

tonight saw me frolicking amongst strangers, good looking ones i might add. but all in all a most uneventful night.

of course, there was the meeting up with jbs and russly, two founding members of the very first chips gang. but then, as always, we drifted apart, mostly my fault i must say. but i had more than one place to be, as bloody usual.

went to le noir, where i usually make my weekly appearance, saw some old and new friends and was completely at home. then decided to go to bloody golden mile to meet seanie, whom i love with all heart and soul but not enough for me to go to GM.. only i realized that too fucking late.

the girls were on stage, seanie insisted on buying drinks for this particular girl that was fucking hideous and with not a very nice personality either. le sighh. we love each other too much to let go darling, why immigrate?!

anyway, moving on. left me to wander off myself, which eventually made me get into my own cab to send me home. for some reason, it left me thinking of how fragile relationships can be. not just between boyfriend and girlfriend, mind you, but even friendships, kinship, and a day to day acquaintance. how they can make a difference.

seanie is leaving singapore for good and that makes me wonder how much i'll bloody miss him. i've lost a lot of friends the last few years, but none compares to the the bleeding bond seanie and i share.

ANYWAY, beer, flowers, girls, kisses and hugs aside bb, i want you to know that you're one of a kind, and i'll never be able to find a replacement for you. i will always love you, regardless of where you are, xxx. for you:

moving past this, giving notice.

with regards to my absence, nothing much to say, just that i've been extremely busy. what with? for starters, there's OZ season one through six. then marathons of movies, scrabble matches and of course, alcohol binges. (so much for the AA, i know.)

moving on, some of you know that i was out on a blind date on friday night, set up my my baby sister no less. have been getting PMed as of the last few days and nights asking how it bloody went. verdict: not well at bleeding all.

short of actually attacking me, the boy (not man, for a good reason.) had no tact whatsoever. apart from possibly being raised by apes, i see no plausible explanation as to how someone could be so fucking rude.

at the time it seemed so harmless. he was supposedly good-looking, charming, smart and witty. reality checked in with nothing more than a well coiffed dickwad. rid myself of the insensitive, leg-humping bastard as soon as i could and went on my merry way to, as you've probably guessed, alcohol and defo much better company.

yesterday, saw me meeting up with tee. although the level of comfort is far from ideal, i suppose it's what i've signed up for with my eyes wide open. a fresh wave of heartache washes over, but surprisingly, i find myself coming up for air as i should. proof that i am indeed getting over the novelty of being alone.

the past few weeks have proven me capable of vulnerability and while i do like feeling like i can lean on someone, it seriously sucks when there is no one there. however folks, there is a lesson to be learned buried under this multitude of crap, and it's never to set yourself for more hurt than you can handle. while all relationships require trust, blind faith is not something to be reckoned with.

well. as aforementioned, moving on.

and in the quiet.

Along to the strains of peaches, people are gyrating on the dance floor. What they call “fire dancers” (baton twirlers with light sticks or in some extreme cases, actual flaming batons.) are showing off their skills on the tiny stage. I am in a club, as is almost second nature to others my age, but tonight, I am somewhere I don't belong. It somewhat reminds me of a documentary on animal planet. Everyone here tonight is a wild thing.

I catch snippets of conversations and it seems everyone here speaks normal english, without any ridiculous slang or jargon. I look around for the first time and take the room and it's occupants in. Black paper roses, black balloons, and black ribbons with gold trimmings, the interior seems to be decorated by the same committee that organized the event. Almost everyone here is dressed in black. And not just cocktail black, but elaborate, victorian lace black. More costumes than clothes, these characters who will not remember me tomorrow drift near and drift past, as if sensing an outsider. Almost if they can smell it.

The girl next to me appears as friendly as it gets and I pick my balls off the floor and talk to her. A series of question and curt answers later, I know her name Is Vanique, she is as old as the club is, and she cared not to be bored by my abysmal chattering any longer.

I finally get my coke and drink it as soon as humanly possible, the only thing in mind being the way to the exit.

maybe, is a viscious little word that could slay me.

so last night was a mix of confusing events. plans never turn out the way they're supposed to, no? growing pains were never meant to be this exaggerated. feeling like shit at the moment, but really that doesn't help anything.

alcoholics anon meeting tonight. we'll see if any of this was worth anything at all. prediction: i come home from the meeting tonight feeling more like hell than i already do.

on addictions and the pains they cause, i realized that it can all be summarized in three little words: JUST. CAN'T. STOP.

and not just to alcohol, also to the addictions of the heart. but then again, i won't say im sorry.

out of cigarettes.

am currently obsessed with the likes of julie london.



afternoons with a cold coffee and the dame just don't get any better than this, i have to say. unless we're talking about a warm body next to mine hahaa.

ron, or ron. i curse the seas that separate us :(

the story behind 701151

we'll go to greece
see the statue of leonaides
and pick the soil of where the 300 fell
then i'd say
'pfft. you wouldnt remember to take some if i werent here to remind you'
:]
the sand was DIRTYYYY
tsk
and they didn't let me bring the mud through immigration
so it's not my fault
then we;d go to puerto rico
have wine as the guy paddles the boat under bridges
it sounds lovely
i'd propose to you on the Garita on a lovely evening
and we'd go to las vegas to get married
then we'd gamble at reno



i'd give almost anything to feel this way again.

poor slob without a name.

to all who don't already know, i, sarah t, has been trying to quit drinking. granted, the total abstinence has not won, but it cannot be denied that my intake has been cut down.. DRASTICALLY. trying to quit an addiction seems more painful than anything else in the world, does it not?

i for one, should know about this particular kind of pain. i've had more than my fair share of going cold turkey, more than most i know anyway. drugs, for one. smoking (at one point), and now drinking. not to mention the addiction to relationships that i don't think i'll ever be able to give up.

today i had a conversation with tee. it lasted just over a minute, i should think. but to me it seemed the most enjoyable minute of my life. bear with me folks, i know by now you guys should be sick and tired of me revisiting this particular relationship, but at this point i really can't help it.

first, anticipation of his reaction, disappointment that he already so soon has forgotten my name, happiness that he was at very least civil, bitterness that our brief conversation was over, and nauseatingly, love, reminiscing about all that we've had and lost.

question:

is it entirely possible that physical addictions are easier to give up because your body is relying on them, and not your heart?

technically, moods and emotions are caused by chemical changes in one's body, and therefore makes heartaches a physical reaction. why is it though, that we can't simply direct our passions to another source? although heartaches are called just that, this particular organ has nothing to do with it, no?

le sigh.
am very,
very confused.

to be honest, i don't really care about the answers to all these questions. though curious by nature, i have never been one to ask these things because i do believe in love. or did. i don't know anymore. it's just.. talking to him today made me miss being in a relationship with him. is that even true? maybe it's just the companionship i want, but who's to know?

all in all, it's been a horrible year, and i've been trying my hardest to turn it around. it's just, seeing how i've got nothing to be happy about, only makes it more obvious my efforts have not been paying off. looking optimistic has suddenly become very hard and it sometimes feels like this is my only outlet.

so thanks to blogger, i guess, for listening and being one of the remaining faithful friends i'm proud to have. god knows there aren't too many of you left.

hell, if you want something done right, you just do it yourself.

the road to recovery is never really as easy as people make it sound aye. nonetheless it's a road we all must take at one point in our lives or another, so why wait?

revelations that stem from advice is never new, but the difference between the two somehow always seems to be the one giving it. thus far, i have failed to see that i don't deserve to be treated like some hand-me-down. here, is where i've ended up.

confidence has always been once of my strongest traits, and often the cause of my downfall. whatever happens in between.. well that's another story. two months ago when my parents learned of what was transpiring between tee and i, they uged me to quit. i was so cock-sure that the place i was was where i was meant to be that i told them there was no need to worry. sooner or later, the work and stress would pay off. obviously i couldn't be more wrong. also, it was the confidence that i would never again be stuck in this awkward predicament that i stubbornly refused to plan an escape route. well.

so boys and girls, today (at this ungodly hour) i am pleased to inform you that i have identified the problem and come up with a screening process for all the decisions i am making and will have to make in the future. topic: end goal.

we all know what the secret to success is. believe in yourself, and others will believe in you. of course, a wide network, good attitude, the right aptitude, charisma, and talent are also crucial ingredients. plus being naturally good looking never hurt anyone.

the most important of all, though, is direction. everything should have a time, place and purpose. i've forgotten that.

chasing paper and getting by is the concept that most singaporeans are familiar with. but i am sick and tired of this routine. most of all, i am sick of this blind confidence in people, including myself, that has gotten me absofuckingly nowhere.

i'm breaking out of this mold. from now on, everything i do will be deliberate. i will not be swayed and i will not subject myself to whim any longer. or god help me, my name isn't sarah.

act three.

what's new, really. when you think you've finally settled down, another whirlwind comes and leave you to pick up the pieces again. cest' la vie they say, the show must go on and all that crap. you know what, for once in my life, i'd like to fucking wallow.

ha. lean on someone. the novelty of it all was so refreshing. the fact that someone was WILLING to let me lean on them for a change. should have seen it coming. again, as they say: if it's too good to be true, it probably is.

as to what i think about this whole shebang, you should already know, unless you didn't bother getting to know me at all. and fyi, one of the reasons i hated you talking about your exes so much is because i knew for a fact that i was just going to be another statistic. number 39 as it were. you've never given a thought for anyone but yourself and just so you know, it hurts. a little respect for someone else really wouldn't kill you, i promise.

continuing my journey to chips tonight was a mistake, so what if i were already on the way. proving to myself that restraint was possible ended up in total disaster anyway so i'm not going to try anymore, swear it.

really what possessed me to think that you were better than this i cannot imagine. excuse me, but i'm done being apologetic, now am just mostly angry. in conclusion, thanks for the memories tee. i just wish you'd stop making the new ones increasingly painful.

trouble sleeping.

jaded, not to say i'm giving up.

andrew was right, i don't know what it is that i want. i've always thought i did, but in light of recent events, the truth has become so obvious, even i can't ignore it.

too young, he says. i refuse to believe that's the cause for my confusion. if this were so, i'd still be farting around doing nothing with my life and living off my parents no? i'd like to think it's not due to youth, but more a personal choice that i've made to blind myself to some of my faults and my immaturity has told me that people adapting to my personality is the way it should be.

tee and i were having the first real conversation in a week on friday. i'm ashamed to say that this is exactly what i've accused him of. not contributing emotionally to this relationship (or whatever the hell it's supposed to be.), he thinks that accommodation on my part is all the love we need. in turn, it's turned me resentful toward the fact that i'm the only one giving in, and he's doing fuck all. no wait, behaving like the cats he hates. taking and not giving anything back.

so the question really is, what now? while it's become pretty much obvious that tee and i can't continue the way we are because it threatens both out professional and personal relationship, i really hate thinking about what it would be like without him around at all.

ahh decisions, decisions. it really gets to me, how they're usually not mine to be made.

if you wanna know how to make me smile.

"a thousand miles seem pretty far but they're got planes and train and cars. i'd walk to you if i had no other way."

ahh, what i would give to have someone feel that way about me. at the moment all i've got is someone that would walk over only cause he worries about the fare. defo think i should be doing better but for some reason, this unwillingness to let go is all consuming. i must be a masochist.

games.

ahh the week saw a whirlwind of activity. to be honest, i didn't expect to many things to happen, as i've assumed i've settled into what i've thought to be a mundane and somewhat comfortable existence. apparently, life has other plans, no?

new friends, lost and found friends, best friends, and people i'm really not too eager to talk about at the moment, came and went amidst bouts of alcoholic inebriation. of course there's the good "omg i'm loving this let's party hard" kind, and the not so good "ahh fuck what am i doing here, i want to leave now" kind. thankfully, i had more of the former for the week. i'm grateful.

well now that i know that there's another fan of my blog, (hello andrew!), there's another reason to blog-n-entertain again. honestly i've missed this. haven't been coming here not because i've run out of things to talk about, but i simply haven't had the time to spare.

but of course, i have a gem to share. a personal revelation of sorts when i was talking to a certain someone. well, as someone very famous once said, time enjoyed is never time wasted. i've only just remembered this, shockingly. whatever happened to doing stuff just because i can?

fact of the matter is, i'm changing. decisions i've made recently are very different from the kind i'd have made two years ago. between the two, i'm very much aware of who i'm turning into. sacrifices aside, i actually like it.

so there, i'm not angsty, i'm just growing up. occasional grievances are normal, aren't they? (at least i think so, hahaa.) doubts and other nonsense that fester in my mind sometimes get the best of me, but if you can't deal with the worst of me, you really don't deserve the best (yes, marilyn monroe!).

in short, a big thank you to all my lover-ly friends, for understanding that i've not had the best of months, and listening. words are not enough, but i love you all. <3

baby you, have become my addiction.

i'm overwhelmed by the sudden impulse to throw myself out of the window. so many things to do, so many leads to follow up on, so much to map out. it's driving me crazy. but then i can never let tee know. much as he won't admit it, he needs someone else to be strong every once in awhile and i'm really more than happy to oblige. least i could do ainnit?

means a lot to me when he says the things he does sometimes. they can be so insightful and sensitive, like he really knows when i feel down and need some assurance. (the rest of the time i feel like strangling him.)

the last month has seen so much drama, and i quite honestly, none of that was called for. a lot of the time, i may seem detached and cold, but that's only because i don't want to get myself knotted in someone else's web of self destruction. not because i think they're problems should stay their own, but because sometime i feel terrible enough myself and i don't feel like i can take on the extra load. listening and nodding along is all very fine and well, but of late i realized that it's, more often than not, not enough.

either way, it's really starting to take a toll on me, this farce. so what else is there to do but shake it off?

rest assured,
i'll not neglect or forget,
even if i'm not there.

coyote.

so there's been a lapse in judgment. no big deal, right?

"notice we've been arguing too much
and talking too little?"

cest' la vie, but i really don't want to settle for less than i'm worth, and that much, i decide.



i don't feel so good.

disappointment's my new thing, i suppose.

having no expectations of a relationship has served me well over the years. for obvious reasons. for those who are to dense, i really am not going to bother.

having no expectations of a relationship, however, has not prepared me to deal with the crushing defeat of disappointment when you realize that someone you love manages to supersede the unthinkable: when they disappoint you beyond belief, and instead of trying to endeavor themselves to you, they go to the other extreme.

i've never understood men. or rather, to be fair, the men i have dated. why journey to the extremes? i've met men too nice, too much of a jackass, too smart, too himbotic, too handsome, too hideous, too snobbish, too much of a pushover and so on. why doesn't anyone settle for normal anymore?

honestly i'm starting to think that maybe i'm the problem. maybe the problem with me is that i don't have a problem with anything. maybe it's because i keep my hopes to myself and the expectations of the shelf. maybe it's because i don't have a checklist.

that's right boys, THE checklist.

you've heard it before i'm sure. the infamous list, the only one apart from schindler's that has got every girl obsessed. considered the woman's greatest essential, and the man's biggest enemy, the list determines, apparently, the happiness of people everywhere.

i, am somewhat an exception, i suspect, as i have but one criterion.

that i be loved for who i am, by someone capable of loving only me.

that and good sex. that's very important. oh and respect-slash-honesty as well. can't forget to throw that in.

okayy so three things. (i still think i make the exception though. most girls i know could publish theirs in volumes.) anyway, is that too much to ask? correct me if i'm wrong, but aren't these the fundamentals of any relationship?

if today is anything to go by, given what i've seen, i may as well have been educated by chimpanzees on the book of love. bahh. i sound pretty calm for someone who feels so humiliated, no?

much as realize the mockery at my expense, i can't help but feel somewhat relieved that i know. there is resentment, yes, but not toward whom you'd expect, and there is disappointment, also not for the reasons you suspect.

fiery words in fluctuating volumes were exchanged this afternoon, as well as arguments of the lesser evils. reasons were given, and excuses bought and swallowed. i guess when all's been said and done, i had to ask myself, how far i was willing to bend back for the sake of someone i'd die for.

lesser evil?

suppose that's where i got my answer.

if you are reading this, forgive me. i swear i will never speak of this again.

pills for the pain.

if you've ever been in that place, that really dark abyss where you feel like no one's gonna save you, remember that you're not alone in this predicament. revelation: everyone's got a private pit of hell that's reserved for them alone. in this, they are buried under everything from passing regret to a raging hatred.

so if it's any comfort, no one's really happy anymore. and you're not all that different.

so sometimes i don't.

it's almost like feeling insignificant has become a new way of life for me.

and i don't like it.

youth is wasted on the young.

on road to recovery at the moment and im feeling slightly more bouyant of late.

tee and i had a nice chat last night and we talked some of our insecurities through. it struck me for the very first time that not everyone looks at some things the way i do.

"do you ever feel like you don't know what i'm thinking?"

of course i do. for example, i don't know what the hell was running through your mind when you told me about what happened with the big jay expected me not to be upset. even more so, i don't know what possessed you to tell me that i wasn't helping the situation and let you handle it. i don't suppose you figured how you could possibly have hurt my feelings.

so when you asked this question yesterday, and this ran through my mind before i answered, it somehow clicked that it really doesn't matter. like you didn't know you'd hurt me, i didn't know what you were thinking of when you said what you did.

i've decided it doesn't really matter if you don't know what gets processed under this skull of mine all the time and vice versa. what i really care about it how we work out after that. after all what is most important is that we are where we are, isn't it?

and that, my dear, is what i meant by what i said. :]

what is.

is seeing perfection in every flaw.

scratch that.

it's seeing someone without having to look.

on love and other things.

hello all it's been awhile.

so stopped working at humerstons, and am currently with pactum. business development manager. imagine that!

anyways, work has been hectic, so excuze moi. really, i've been having trouble finding time for anything else of late. everyone here is a dear though, which makes up for a lot.

on to other things, randall and i are no more, for those who've not been keeping up. but remorse and regret is the least of my worries right now and quite honestly the last thing on my mind. of course, i'm not belittling or discounting any part of the brief relationship we shared, but it will do no good, i realised, to border on the same subject day in and day out.

troubles other than the failed attempt at a relationship between two very different people have surfaced and these are very tangible and real. in all honesty, i can say for the first time in awhile, i'm afraid. shockingly, not of what the future may hold, but the present which threatens everything i have worked for.

(scandal if you are reading this, you know what i'm talking about.)

advice and chastising can wait for now. all i want is to work my balls off for the rewards i know are just around the bend. not to waste my time on the tragedy of my past, but to focus on what's beyond the horizon. i deserve this, i know.

either way, forgive me for however cold i may seem, but i need this. to cleanse my life of the debris clogging up my mind and emotions. i need this break, and i have since decided i will not let anyone stand in my way, including myself.

suddenly i need a beer. hahaa, apparently, my liver is the one part of me that's beyond repair anyway.

love to all, i'm about to catch my wave.

dare you to move.

sweet. so im no longer with the eighth note, and am now working with others who like me are mostly ex-employees of ps cafe. lol. hummerstons!

ohh, and another change, i've moved back in with my parents. so far so good.

however, i am currently missing my boyfriend something terrible. all i have is cookie (a sweet stuffed toy from one of ran's trips.) to comfort me of a new bed instead of the one i'm so used to sharing.

sighhhhhhhh.

you're the best thing that i've had,

the best thing i've ever, ever had.

don't leave me high, don't leave me dry.

maybe, tomorrow.

"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always preserves."

once again, god, you have let me down.

whenever am i going to realize that life isn't a fairytale, i don't know. what with all the destructiveness around me, i'm surprised that i haven't wised up yet. whatever happened to my supposedly high intellect, i'd like to know. (mummy, don't tell me you lied to me too.)

i personally think, of all times i've needed a friend to bleed my minuscule problems to (yes i am aware of dying people, animals, and agriculture.), today tops the list.

this is not insecurity.

is everyone only special on their birthday? (aj shaddup.)

seriously though.

the title of this post is true, really. it's just a random thought i suddenly just had.

btw thanks sheri, cho, qi tai for the crazy shots, and everyone in general for the laughter. you guys are the ones that really matter.

<3

girl from ipanema.

so im sitting at starbucks, fresh out of work, again. (please don't tell my parents. hahaa.)

the trip to malaysia turned out great, though the ride there was ball busting. (thanks a lot roy.) lots of foozeball, lots of alcohol, lots of dipping and sandy balls.

unfortunately, no pictures. :(

but enough about me, what has everyone been up to? the usual work and alcoholism?

i suppose with turning 21, i should now feel the need to lead the eexpected harried, hurried and haggard life of the average singaporean. but i really don't. so much for reaponsibility that comes with age.

the truth is that i really don't feel all that different. if anything, i miss the devil-may-care attitude youth inspired more than ever. how awesome would it be to be paid to do nothing?

which reminds me..

need to get another job. need to get another job. need to get another job.

age like wine (or cheese).

i'm tired of pretending. i don't need to be liked to feel loved, and i've forgotten that.

i miss the care free existance of my 16 year old self. who knew four or five years could make such a difference?

mellowed is one word for it, and losing your soul another. words have power, and again, something else i've forgotten.

i miss typing about my nonsensical escapades, the existance of an audience regardless. sure, the aftermath of drunken adventures, breathless hellos and sullen goodbyes left much to be desired. but at that point in my life, i can at very least be sure that i was alive.

amidst all the chaos, i found security in myself. the irony is that order in my life just made me lose control of every thing i thought i knew.

taste life.

yesterday morning at the schools was living hell. the demons could have eaten me alive!

kids. and why i'll never have them.

after the total nightmare, went to have lunch with ivan, then homed to sleep. woke up when the boyfr got back from work and made EGG MAYO!

oh, the joys of FOOD.

ingredients falling in nicely into the bowl is always a comfort. yesterday, i rediscovered the magic of food and why i fell in love with it in the first place.

even the simplest things, cheese and crackers (a la wallance and gromit!), hummus and pita bread, potato salad (only my version will do, of course.), sauteed mushrooms, baked potatoes with every filling you can imagine is sometimes enough to make me cry. the simplicity, combined with the startling complimenting flavours really can bring one down to earth.

theraputic, i call it. i missed this. homemade bites and snacks that i've neglected, i'm apologizing for how i've forgotten the way you make me feel.

romantisizing has never been in my character, but with food, it's a love affair. how could anyone not succumb to the majesty of foie gras, or be humbled by a peasent dish of ratatouille?

in short,

ohh egg mayo, the stuff of gods.

WHO THE FUCK IS REBECCA BLACK?

that's what i'd like to know. everyone on facebook is bombarding the girl and i have no clue who they're talking about. god i hope that's not a sign of old age.

anyway, i googled the name, and came up with a song with the word friday in it. or maybe that was the song. apparently it's so bad, people want to kill her. but that's it. (sheri said she sounds worse than beiber, and that's really saying something.)

whatever happened to the superstars, i'd like to know? the other day, i was playing michael jackson and enjoying it, these two kids in the reception area started sniggering. and what are THEY listening to?

lady gaga, bruno mars, selena gomez, BEIBER?

i'm not hating, i swear. these people may be talented in their own right, but they're chicken nuggets of performers when compared to the real pros of the previous era. look at the eagles, iron maiden, mj, queen, michael learns to rock, boys II men. how many of the current artists can boast of being legends when they die?

i have to inject here, that the last straw was when i heard katy perry on the radio in the van.

"i wanna see your peacock, cock, cock

your peacock, cock

your peacock, cock, cock

your peacock."

was with ivan and sherman, all three of us brust out in simultaneous laughter, and through out sputtering managed the words,

"WANT TO SEE THEN SAY LAHH!"

i'm rather glad to say that i'm not alone in this. the mother of one of our students was discussing the music blaring into the ears of kids nowadays and SHE thought this particular song was ridiculously retarded.

just goes to show how the standards have dropped, innit.

sure, it has it's entertainment value. but why in hell isn't it's shelf-life taken into consideration? for example, pretty soon, no one will remember this song i'm sure, unless it's used as a joke.

i don't know about you, but bad music kind of makes me feel embarrassed to be a part of this generation. all this fusion music gives me a headache and reminds me of how sometimes, less is more.

kudos to musicians like RED HOT CHILLI PEPPERS, JOHN LEGEND, IMOGEN HEAP, INCUBUS, THE ACADEMY IS, LOST PROPHETS, JASON MRAZ and the like, for sticking to their roots. ily so much you don't even know. whatever would i listen to without you around, i shudder thinking of.

some bad, for satisfaction.

came into the office at 12 only to wait for 2 hours for boss to come open the door. fml.

fortunately for me, i've got colleagues who love me enough pamper me. apparently, everyone's had a shitty enough day to sympathise for once.

can't wait for the sub at home, meatball freak!

am so tired i could die.

if only.

vent vent vent.

hence marks my official entrance into the ranks of music instructors. and guess what i'm teaching!

(oh stacy help me, i wish i were you.) the ukulele!

unfuckingbelievable. why this, why me? two schools to teach on my off day is not good for me, to say the least. first classes start the ungodly hour of 9 10. how in the world i'm going to survive a class full of demons when i'm only half conscious is beyond me.

on to other things. facebook is being a total bitch and my ability post random comments and other jizz like that is somewhat impared because of the missing 'enter comment' button. am so bored it isn't even funny. i miss being annoying on facebook.

sigh.

what a way to start the day. on top of 50 hour weeks, i come into the office and am told that my single off day is reduced to half it's span cos i have to teach in the morning. to top it all off, poor boyfriend is sick and i've been depriving him of sleep the last few nights because of my horrendous teeth-grinding. (sorry b!)

as they keep saying to me: welcome to the eighth note, sarah.

D:

show me the money!

whoever knew being a recep was so hard? fun work but challenging as hell. i swear to god the parents really drive me nuts though.

today marks day 7. next off day is wednesday and i'm so tired i can almost taste the break already. :(

birds.

there's no right or wrong answer. it's like an open-ended question and i hate it.

it's not fair because i don't know where to go from here, literally. what else is everyone looking for?

how can i please the people most important to me? go home? and where would i be then?

they're right. there's no way to fit the bill anymore because the expectations keep changing. of course, not just from my parents, but from my friends, my boyfriend and myself. fair isn't what i really need.

it's stability that i need at this point to keep me going.

a place to call home.

chariot chaser.

so i've been bumming around for the last month or so. i quite miss having a job. i miss ps cafe. and it's at times like these that i curse the day a certain shade of yellow was born.

moving on, i have also begun to see that i'm getting very, very lazy. i'm sure boy would be appalled, but i am in fact hesitant about getting a job. not that i'm NOT in need of a paying time-chaser, but i am using the fact that school begins only a month away as an excuse to further deliberate and procrastinate deciding my next course of action.

some who know me know already by my constant bitching that my parents have not been very forgiving toward this lack of income, though they have not exactly voiced their concerns per se. it's come to a point that i'm even beginning to suspect that i'm delighting in this secret rebellious streak that tells me not to get a job, JUST SO i can piss them off more.

surely, many would say this isn't very wise, and i honestly couldn't agree more. however, i do believe that unlike a majority of twenty year olds, i HAVE paid my dues over the last three years and i deserve the flexibility of deciding to cut myself some fucking slack. at this point though i realise i might be losing some of the charm some of you might have falsely associated me with, but i don't really care.

ever the walking oxymoron, even i don't really know if i want a bleeding job. a chore it might be, but it supports my habits, which in turn, keeps me going. still, the responsibility a little bit of money comes with is quite astonishing and i'm not really sure i want to contend with that right now. even as the boredom is killing me (softly, slowly and surely.), i really don't want to put myself in a position where i go back to school and i have to quit because of my aunt worries it might interfere with my studying.

so world, how now brown cow? i do terribly hate being a total worry wart, but days like these really do stretch too long at times and allows you too much thinking.