blackmail doesn't always work.

almost settled, really. i'm moving out. although i have next to no regard for defending myself, i do want everyone to know that this is not as pointless as it sounds.

reasons to run

• fucked up rules
• fucked up life
• i don't want to go to a girls' home
• i don't want to be opressed
• i don't want to be as my ex loves to say "a voice crying out in the woods"
• i'm bored
• i'm filled with resentment
• and anger
• and brutality at the moment

reasons not to run

• sheri
• fucking guilt trip

quite honestly, much as the second one pretty much counts for shit here, i do own one. yes, i've made contact with my long lost conscience. haha. whatever.

sheri is my sister. someone i care a lot for. someone i'd die for. probably the only one in the family i can have anything close to a decent conversation with. i see the desire in her to alleviate my pain. it is really more than enough to hurt, really. is she reason enough to stay?

don't try to psychoanalyze me. it's really not going to work. i've beaten myself up too many times over the same thing. i keep hearing "patience. time will work things out." from people who thinks it passes as advice.

too many things require that particular virtue, if you ask me. i don't have it.

at times like these, i ask myself this question which never fails to scare me.

sarah,
how will you DIE?

and i choose the most careful of words that weigh the most, i hope you will understand.
i love you too. i just wish they were there the way you were.