as the echoes within, the cat is out.

i don't get why some of my friends ask me how to get someone interested in them. how can you not know. HOW, I ASK YOU. perhaps what i have is a gift, but still, after spending between 18 to 20 years on this planet, you still do not know how to hold a conversation with a member of the opposite sex? that's seriously sad.

so because i am the KINDEST SOUL around (and believe me, i am), i will divulge the secrets of woman hood, and the extensive knowledge i have about men. though all of you who take notice of this particular post should really be thoroughly be ashamed of yourselves. tsk.


INITIATING A CONVERSATION:

for men:

• confidence.
• every man should have a little of it. because regardless of how sexy you are, or the other extreme for that matter, i've met some of you who still have low self esteem even when faced with being bombarded with compliments. point one, sexiness is all about attitude, which encompasses confidence. get some.

• eye contact.
• make eye contact with your target. this might be hard if you're in a club and only found out what she REALLY looks like when you're up close, if she's hideous, turn around to face the person on your other side and pretend you're talking to her instead.
• if you are spared the tragedy, then always, always fucking look her in the eye when you're talking to her. do not, at any cost, allow your eyes to stray to her chest, because if she is worth getting, she WILL slap you.

• pay attention.
• listen to every word she's saying, or pretend you are. if you're in a club or someplace horrendously noisy, ask her to chat with you for a minute in a quieter corner. prepare lines to regurgitate. NOT things like "okay.", "that's really interesting.", "uhm.", etc. girls are not stupid. most of them anyway. if they are smart, they will slap you, because here, they WILL know you're not listening. if she buys it, she's either retarded or cheap, at which point, you may slap yourself, for picking up someone not worth five minutes of your time.

for ladies:

• confidence.

• this does NOT equate to you wearing your sluttiest dress on the rack, or piling on as much make up as you can. smile, laugh, and make conversation with the guy if you decide he's interesting. offer to pay for your drink, but don't. guys dig that.

• humor.
• men apparently love women who have a good sense of humor. joke with him, talk about stupid things you and your friends have done, but don't laugh too much if you snort like miss congeniality. though it's obviously good to be naturally glamorous at all times, don't be plastic. and stop acting like prudes, because then you'll come across as snotty, and that's a huge turn off.

• etiquette.
• chew with your mouth closed. laugh only after you swallow. sit which ever way you want, just not with your legs wide open. most importantly, know you've had enough alcohol for the night. drunk girls are a fucking walking disaster. by this i mean as long as you can get yourself home by the way. abstaining from merlioning at the side of the road does not count.

• being classy.
• like i said. it's not about being a prude. it's a lot of taking good care of yourself, and maintaining an image that oozes sex, as well as keeping that ice queen exterior men are seemingly so fond of. take note of this please. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO USE FORCE TO GET RID OF UNWANTED ATTENTION. if a guy is irritating, slap him. if a guy keeps staring at your cleavage, slap him. if a guy starts rating you with his friends but has no balls to walk over and talk to you, walk over and slap him. losers are asking for it, so don't feel guilty.

PICK UP LINES:

for men:

• pick ups.
• use them. i'm not kidding. girls like it. of course, they will laugh at you, and ridicule you in front of their friends, but they'll think you're cute and brave for trying. their friends will be sitting there wishing someone used one of your lines on them. or you'll serve as entertainment. for the record, by pick up lines, i do not mean shit like

• "you must be tired, cos you've been running through my mind all day."
• "did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
• "if i had a dollar for every time i saw someone as pretty as you, i'd be 9 bucks short of a pack of cigarettes."
• "if you were a booger i'd pick you first."

• i'm talking about the classics. such as

• "there are 206 bones in the human body. do you want another one?"
• "you know what would look good on you? me."
• "people call me john, but you can call me tonight"

• or even better. warning: this only works for the best and the hottest.

• "hi."

for ladies:

• retaliating to pick ups.
• if he says something CHEESY, give him credit for effort, let him buy you a drink.
• if he says something WITTY, reward him with an extended conversation.
  
• if he says something FUNNY, laugh like hell, but tell him he's adorable.
• if he says something STUPID, tell him you don't get it and make him repeat it twenty times before asking him to go away.
• if he says something OFFENSIVE, slap him.

PAYMENT

for men:

• always try to pay. always. if you are broke, you don't deserve to be let out amongst the ladies.

for ladies:

• offer to pay. if he actually lets you without putting up any resistance, or without signs of reluctance, don't turn up for the next date.

SEX

for men:

• foreplay.
• females LOVE foreplay. you have to understand, women enjoy foreplay far more than sex, because most men are impatient, greedy bastards, and they make their mess way too fucking early. so be nice, and make sure she's at very least screaming for you before making your, ahem, grand entrance.
• sex.
• most females (keep in mind i'm not one of them, most of the time) prefer making love, as compared to hardcore sex. so keep your wildest fantasies to yourself, please. if you absolutely have to be a dick, don't ask her to do weird things too often or she'll complain. once a week is quite ENOUGH.
• girls (once again, leave me out of this category) like pillowtalk during lovemaking. they like eye contact, they like your fingers tracing the outline of their cheekbones and other weird things like that. comply every once in awhile, because every girl likes to feel like you CAN slow down for her. of course, if she's telling you to hump faster, don't go out on your way to do the opposite thinking she'll love you for it. she won't.
• post-sex.
• cuddle with her for a bit, however long you're comfortable with. then go shower. i personally think hygiene is sexy, and i like my boys to be clean 5 minutes after sex, tops, thanks.
• if you're going to have a cigarette, just make sure she doesn't mind. personally i love lighting up after a workout, but there are girls who don't like inhaling yours and my contribution pollution, so for their sake, always ask.
• if you're gonna get food, ask us if we want some too.
• if you're going to sleep, act cute and warn us you're drifting off. if you're good at acting cute, we generally won't mind.
  

for women:

• foreplay.
• guys generally don't enjoy this much and mostly just want to get it over and done with. the only reason why they often put up with it, is because they know you like it. if he's hot, good for you. watch him at work, get turned on fast, then tell him you want him, and then you'll have a happy man.
• sex.
• men being men, have weird thoughts. bring their wet dreams on our plane every once in awhile, just to keep things fresh. besides, we like our men happy, don't we?
  
• pillowtalk is not usually a guy thing, but if they think you want to hear it (and they could be reading signals wrong), sometimes they'll cave. if you like it, smile and let them know you like it. if you do not enjoy pillowtalk like me, look him in the eye, and say "screw that. shut up and fuck me.". it works pretty damned well.
• post-sex
• cuddling, once again, is not a guy thing. for however long he cuddles with you, appreciate it, and tell him he's good in bed. if he wasn't, tell him he is anyway and pity the next girl he screws. give him a kiss when he rolls over you to get out of bed, and giggle if they stumble.
• if he smokes, and he wants a stick, speak your mind. if you want to have one to, there's no need to say anything. if you don't mind him smoking, say so. if you do mind, let him know it bothers you. you just slept with him, it's okay.
• if he wants to eat or sleep after sex, let him. it's a guy thing they all do. they call it recuperating. i know. whatever.

so there you have it. basically all the need-to-knows. now hot men and beautiful girls don't have an excuse. if you're ugly i have no idea why you're here in the first place, because i can't help you unless you're intending to go under the knife or something drastic like that. regardless of what everyone else nice says, outer beauty is as important as inner beauty. in fact, outer wins,

because as long as you're hot and smart,
you can get away with murder.

go try it if you don't believe me.